To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

I sympathise with your position and think other posters have been rather harsh. I wouldn’t want to do it either. However, your mum clearly needs some help . Can you contact health/social services and see if she can get some?

@Iceandfire92 excellent post. Lots of us dealing with very stubborn elderly parents who absolutely refuse external help and eventually the family have zero option but to step up. Horrible situation. Lots of stories over on Elderly Parents thread. All this nonsense about it being a privilege to care for a doubly incontinent person when their are professionals to assist so family can have quality time really annoys me.

Totally agree. There is no way we would want our adult children or grandchildren doing this for us. Carers should be brought in.
Depending on how unwell the grandfather is, it might involve some issues with lifting him or rolling him over. This is best dealt with professionals and hoists.
This is not a situation that can carry on.

Her op says she changed a bed twice this week. It's not too much really is it to help a relative. Maybe it is in your books.

It depends how the far the OP is, whether she works, has young children, whether she is married or single.

It depends on so many factors so it might not be a lot to you but OP could be at breaking point.

Quoted wrong post.

@Wonderingwhyyy I was talking about the intimate care. Of course she can try and get her DH to help with the rest, but that doesn’t seem to have worked so far.

My dad didn't get a choice.

Yes, I’d say going to her grandfather’s twice in one week to help care for him is a lot actually.

Why no criticism of the step-father who has been lying on his arse in the sunny garden and done fuck all to help?

OP only mentioned bedding - we do not know about intimate care.

You're getting a lot of very direct replies here op but honestly I think you probably need to provide a bit more context to this if you want people to judge fairly.

I guess I'm wondering things like if there is a backstory between you and your grandad that means you don't feel comfortable providing him care or if there is a backstory between you and your mum?

If your resistance is due to other people not stepping up in which case could you address it with them directly?

If you are physically able to help or if there is a practical reason as to why you can't?

If you live close by enough to be able to help?

If you are refusing all help or if you provide care in other aspects?

I think if you are fit and able then I would set things aside in order to help your mum. It's not so much you looking after your grandfather as it is you looking after your mum who is in the process of losing her parent. If you have kids, this is a way to teach them accountability, care and empathy as well as the importance of treating elderly people with respect and upholding dignity of others. You resent your step dad for not helping but presumably he's of a similar age to your mum - they are both older and less able.

If you are physically unable then I think you need to think of how you can challenge your mother's siblings or husband to step up.

Grow up. It’s annoying that your step dad is being unhelpful but how awful for your poor mum that you’re not willing to support her long term

Ask some of the people, usually daughters, who've been caring for a 'dying' elderly parent for two years, five years, ten years even, about that. It happens. It's not the tense overnight deathbed scene with tears as the sun rises that Hollywood suggests. It can grind on and on.

Also op just to clarify are you saying you can only provide ongoing care and help twice a week or that you cannot help at all - this isn't clear from your posts. I initially read it as the latter and thought it was a bit harsh but if you're dedicating twice a week ongoing to help while there are others who are doing nothing then I think it's fair to be annoyed and put it on them. The key here is making sure your mum isn't left holding everything with noone.

Anyone posting 'it only takes minutes' is showing their ignorance of what caring for an elderly incontinent person is like.

You have already helped twice this week , I think her husband should help more ,I have done this for my dying mother but I wouldn't want my 20 year old son helping me as my mother would not like it.
The district nurse / GP surgery can perhaps advise your mum on what help is available.
I know how much hard work it is and you have already been helping but if you are unable to continue you have every right to say so.

You're a relative your step dad isn't. He should help his wife, but I can see that might be difficult if the GD doesn't like an unrelated man giving very personal care. You should help, don't you have feelings for your poor GD in his final days, or compassion for your DM having to deal with it all by herself.

Someone will be doing it, not very likely a double incontient elderly person is cleaning themselves. OP that’s another thing- district nursing/carers will do skin checks to make sure he’s not getting sores from the urine/faeces.

Everyone needs to step up, including you, and your stepdad. Make sure that your grandad is using incontinence pads, mattress protectors etc to minimise the work needed. Does he have carers coming in too?

Yes, honestly YABU.

Various care services that were involved in my parent's final months repeatedly said to me that is not your job when they came to his house and found I'd changed and washed bedding, incontinence wear etc. I don't think many unwell people would choose family to provide this care at this stage you really need to involve carers

To the ‘you should be getting stuck in there’ peanut gallery. Ever had to retract your DF’s foreskin to clean out the diarrhoea? No? Then maybe pipe down.

The poor mum can ask her sunbathing husband to help or contact social services. It is not about putting the burden on yet another woman while the men get off scot free.

As for your stepdad, he's possibly an arsehole, but he's not a relative, and your grandad may not want him helping. Look into carers if you can't do it.

I would do this for my grandad and for my mum, because they are in a time of crisis and I wouldn't allow this all to fall on my mum. I wouldn't allow my frustrations with lazy, uncaring family members to get in the way of me doing the right thing.

However, I would be VOCAL in my criticisms of my stepdad and other family members and would call out their lack of care and support at every possible opportunity.