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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

667 replies

NimbleBee · 30/04/2025 09:30

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

OP posts:
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5
Hdjdb42 · 30/04/2025 15:25

Yes your family members are wrong for not helping out, but you should help your poor mum and grandad.

Abbycarry2211 · 30/04/2025 15:26

OneQuirkyPanda · 30/04/2025 15:23

Unfortunately, men get away with not pulling their weight because all the anger is directed at other women instead of them, it’s just accepted they are useless while other female relatives are guilted into stepping in. This just enables men to carry on doing nothing and it go unchallenged because there’s always a woman on hand to do their part.

I remember being heavily berated for not offering to cook, clean, do the shopping etc for my brother, dad and mum after she had surgery. This was despite me not living with them and my brother and dad being able bodied and working less hours than me. They’d even drafted my brother’s girlfriend who didn’t live there into doing chores, which was used against me.

I was baffled at the time that I apparently should have known between the two of them they apparently couldn’t manage to cover the basic life admin and tasks my mum usually did and would need my assistance. When I pointed this out I was told I was selfish and I wouldnt be helping them I would be helping my mum.

Of course when I had surgery twice and my wife had surgery there were no offers of help from anyone because as women it’s assumed we can cope on our own (we can but it shows the hypocrisy here).

Yes this always happens!

Anytime that my mum has been sick or had surgery, ive been expected (by other women in my family) to look after her.

They never ask my brother to do anything

Hazyjinty · 30/04/2025 15:26

When my mum was end of life care all the family pitched in, I’m a nurse but retired as disabled but my sister, her husband and various relatives all pitched in. Her brother didn’t help with personal care as my mum would have hated that. Looking back two years later I’m glad we all helped. Even when the home care team took over we still pitched in and I don’t doubt anyone found it a pleasant experience dealing with incontience

maybe you could buy bed pads, ask to speak with your district nurses for advice to incontience aids

SockFluffInTheBath · 30/04/2025 15:27

Lots of people here who clearly have zero experience of caring for a double incontinent old man. OP your mum should not be doing this on her own, but her choice- because it is a choice- to do this does not obligate the whole family. Contact your local adult social services and request an urgent care assessment. There are several services that can be involved in his care.

WearyAuldWumman · 30/04/2025 15:28

Re availability of care.

When I had a shoulder op, I tried to organise respite for Mum and extra help around the house.

Mum’s respite was cancelled. Care company had no extra capacity to help at home.

I just had to suck it up.

ButterCrackers · 30/04/2025 15:30

SockFluffInTheBath · 30/04/2025 15:27

Lots of people here who clearly have zero experience of caring for a double incontinent old man. OP your mum should not be doing this on her own, but her choice- because it is a choice- to do this does not obligate the whole family. Contact your local adult social services and request an urgent care assessment. There are several services that can be involved in his care.

This.

mathanxiety · 30/04/2025 15:31

Everyone, including you, is being unreasonable here.

Your grandad needs experienced, professional carers.

You and your step-dad need to either help your mum or make the necessary arrangements to get carers in to lift this burden off your mum. She's dealing with the decline of her father and probably feeling a huge amount of grief and guilt and obligation to provide care. It's heartless to leave her to do what she's doing.

The rest of you need to step up and support her.

placemats · 30/04/2025 15:32

SockFluffInTheBath · 30/04/2025 15:27

Lots of people here who clearly have zero experience of caring for a double incontinent old man. OP your mum should not be doing this on her own, but her choice- because it is a choice- to do this does not obligate the whole family. Contact your local adult social services and request an urgent care assessment. There are several services that can be involved in his care.

Step dad should be doing that. He chooses to sun bathe instead. Why should grand children be involved?

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 15:33

Hdjdb42 · 30/04/2025 15:25

Yes your family members are wrong for not helping out, but you should help your poor mum and grandad.

Yes why bother the other family members? Let the OP and her mum drive themselves into the ground while others get off scot free,

Iceandfire92 · 30/04/2025 15:33

When does a woman's caring responsibility ever end? Doing the lion's share of childcare/rearing and cleaning your parents up when you are in your 70's? Funny how the men almost always just opt out of this and leave it with the women. Regardless of this, the OP's grandad needs 2x carers while he is EOL. It is awful for a woman in her 70's to be burdened with cleaning up after her own father; her father would probably feel more dignified having carers that are strangers changing his pads and not his own daughter. This kind of pressure at that age can send people into an early grave, I know of older people who have became ill themselves whilst caring for others and the person they are caring for outliving them. OP's mum needs some respite at the very least.

ButterCrackers · 30/04/2025 15:34

BIossomtoes · 30/04/2025 15:22

They all have and now OP’s joined in.

Show quote history

I suppose you have no real experience of caring for others.

lifeonmars100 · 30/04/2025 15:35

He is dying, it is not as if you are going to face endless years of this. Yes. I understand that is not pleasant but think about your mum, step up and help her.

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 15:35

mathanxiety · 30/04/2025 15:31

Everyone, including you, is being unreasonable here.

Your grandad needs experienced, professional carers.

You and your step-dad need to either help your mum or make the necessary arrangements to get carers in to lift this burden off your mum. She's dealing with the decline of her father and probably feeling a huge amount of grief and guilt and obligation to provide care. It's heartless to leave her to do what she's doing.

The rest of you need to step up and support her.

She is not being unreasonable to not want to keep helping.

The stepdad is not supporting his wife. He is busy sunbathing.

The answer is not the women keep doing everything. Sometimes a crisis is needed for change to happen,

WearyAuldWumman · 30/04/2025 15:35

WearyAuldWumman · 30/04/2025 15:28

Re availability of care.

When I had a shoulder op, I tried to organise respite for Mum and extra help around the house.

Mum’s respite was cancelled. Care company had no extra capacity to help at home.

I just had to suck it up.

Forgot to explain that I was also caring for DH, a stroke victim.

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 15:36

lifeonmars100 · 30/04/2025 15:35

He is dying, it is not as if you are going to face endless years of this. Yes. I understand that is not pleasant but think about your mum, step up and help her.

This is how women are kept in caring roles while men get off scot free.

Epidote · 30/04/2025 15:37

As you had said your grandad is terminally ill and incontinent your mum needs help to change the bed.
I would help her. This is not about what others doesn't do. It is about what you can do about it. Unless you live like 20 miles away or have a something that doesn't allow you to move bedding around I think you are making the wrong decision.

Ohnobackagain · 30/04/2025 15:40

EmeraldDreams73 · 30/04/2025 09:49

Wtf? Your poor mum needs HELP from anyone and everyone. Your stepfather should help, sure, but so should you. Now is not the time for squabbling. Just help your mother ffs. There's no mention of genuine reasons why you can't in your OP, so yes, YABU, as is your stepfather.

It's also feasible that your grandad would prefer your stepdad not to help, not sure if that's relevant in these circumstances or not but in my family I know my dad would rather die than have another unrelated man help. Either way, help your mother then when it's all over deal with any unfairness then.

I was going to say this @LegoTherapy @NimbleBee - it isn’t women’s work, but many men would not want an unrelated man helping with intimate care. But obviously OP, your Mum needs help!

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 15:42

Epidote · 30/04/2025 15:37

As you had said your grandad is terminally ill and incontinent your mum needs help to change the bed.
I would help her. This is not about what others doesn't do. It is about what you can do about it. Unless you live like 20 miles away or have a something that doesn't allow you to move bedding around I think you are making the wrong decision.

The OP's mum seems to think this is women's work too. She is asking OP for the third time this week and not her sunbathing husband. He is clearly making the wrong decision not to help.

ButterCrackers · 30/04/2025 15:42

lifeonmars100 · 30/04/2025 15:35

He is dying, it is not as if you are going to face endless years of this. Yes. I understand that is not pleasant but think about your mum, step up and help her.

Do you think that the op hasn’t helped at all? How sad that you can’t acknowledge that she’s been helping. That’s women kicking other women down and helping men stay away from getting involved.

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 15:42

Ohnobackagain · 30/04/2025 15:40

I was going to say this @LegoTherapy @NimbleBee - it isn’t women’s work, but many men would not want an unrelated man helping with intimate care. But obviously OP, your Mum needs help!

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The Mum can get help from her sunbathing husband. He can easily put a wash on and help with other non intimate care tasks.

He can help his wife!

BernardButlersBra · 30/04/2025 15:46

2JFDIYOLO · 30/04/2025 13:20

Your poor, poor mum.

Having to cope with this while the pair of you squirm out of helping her.

Words fail me.

OP isn't squirming out of helping -she's already done it twice this week and she only posted this morning

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 15:50

Women in the UK put in thousands more hours looking after elderly relatives than men do

www.healthmatters.org.uk/BLOG/rndblog/blog1-a.php?pid=674

Pastit12 · 30/04/2025 15:54

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 13:29

This is what keeps women as carers. Men are cut so much slack they get off scot free.

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It’s not a question of “keeping women of carers or cutting men slack” l said in my post I could understand her being angry with her stepfather sitting on his lazy arse.
She wants to know if I think she is being unreasonable not giving her mum some help when she is obviously at one of the lowest points in her life and I think she is.
Not everything is about comparing wether men get it easier than women and scoring points it’s about doing what you think is right whatever sex you are I also think it would be better for her, her mum and her dying grandfather to see if any there is some professional help they could obtain.
At the end of the day you either support someone who needs it or you don’t and the fact that she has posed the question on here says to me that she may think she is being unreasonable.

Iceandfire92 · 30/04/2025 16:00

I personally think most people would prefer it if unrelated professionals oversaw dealing with bodily fluids and soiled pads if they became elderly and doubly incontinent. It is far more dignified for most people to have carers take care of these things, their family doesn't have to see them in that state and they are free to spend quality time with them. I see no reason why the OP's grandad is being solely cared for by his daughter, was a plan of care not put in place? Unless of course carers have been refused?

chattyness · 30/04/2025 16:05

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 13:53

The MEN CAN HELP.

It will be them who could be dying one day,

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I didn't dispute that