To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

What a great excuse. Her mum’s going to carry on whether or not she gets help. All refusing to help achieves is making it harder for her.

Her mum chose to have a baby, which comes with responsibility for changing shitty nappies. I'm sure that if OP has children, she has changed hundreds of shitty nappies herself. Just because OP's nappies were changed by her mum, it doesn't mean that OP needs to change shitty nappies for elderly relatives. Doing personal care for elderly relatives is a choice. OP's mum made that choice. OP hasn't.

Also, there is absolutely no comparison with changing a baby's shitty nappy and that of an old man. I have changed hundreds of babies' nappies with my own children, my grandchildren and when I worked as a childminder. I couldn't do it for an elderly person.

The OP has been helping while the stepdad has been sunbathing. Try reading the OP.

Sometimes you cannot help someone until they help themselves. Services are there to help.

I couldn’t watch my Mum & Grandad struggle like that and not help. It must be both physically and mentally difficult for your Mum to nurse her father in the last stage of his life. It must also be embarrassing for your grandad not only to be doubly incontinent, but also being incapable to clean himself up. Nobody is the winner in this situation- help them out, I’m sure they’ve offered you kindness when you’ve needed help.

She’s done it twice.

This. All these people carrying on like if you’ve changed a baby’s nappy you should have no problem dealing with what a grown adult produces. Yeah, right. 😂

If it took minutes and was easy then why does a 70 year old not frail or elderly woman need help?

Word to the wise. Looking after frail, elderly end of life requires help from carers.

That is fine if you couldn't help. Not everyone is you.

OP has already been helping, We don't know what is going in her life.

The ideal scenario is to get carers in rather than burdening the women while the men sit back.

That is this week. Nobody knows how many other occasions she has helped,

Services aren’t there to help. They’re virtually non existent. And if you’re lucky enough to get them they’re a maximum of four times a day. Strangely they’re not arranged to be supplied in coordination with clients’ bowel movements.

They are not non existent at all 😂I have several neighbours and family members who have currently having care. I would not call that non existent.

Just because someone is your grandad doesnt mean they are worthy of care. My friend was abused very badly by her grandad.

When he was sick and dying, she never went near him

My own grandad wasnt extremely abusive. But he was very cold and uncaring and distant to me. He died suddenly. But if he was sick for a long time i would not have looked after him. I would have visited him. But i would have got carers to look after him

I expect they’re paying for it. No idea why you think it’s funny.

I can't imagine being married to someone who ignores me and sun bathed in the garden whilst I struggle with my parent. Would never ask grandchildren to help either. No way would I want grandchildren to look after me in a personal care capacity.

Be happy to chat with them and would strive to look my best.

I have had trouble dealing with baby's nappies for my own dgc. I gag over faecal leaks from my aging DH . I would not expect my daughter to help. Decent incontinence pants should help. The step father could help with putting a laundry load on but perhaps he has no history with the father in law?

I agree. This thread is a masterclass in why the stepdad won't help - because he doesn't bloody have to. Society, and other women, will walk past the sunbathing stepdad to make sure OP knows she's a terrible selfish person for not helping.

Sure, they might tut at the stepdad too, but what can you do? Men, eh? Then they'll just get on with the process of doing the work for him, leaving him to nap.

Raise the bar, Ladies.

Some of the posters are more misogynist than men.

OP has done her bit, she probably has children, a husband, a career. While the SD sits on his arse. And the other relatives do nothing. Why don't you shame his other family members who are not lifting a finger to help him have dignity? OP has done her bit!

You have decided you have done enough. Sit with that thought. Your choice.

No, the mum's husband and her father's other living relatives who haven't lifted a finger and assumed the little women would take care of it are the ones who are making her mum feel shit and alone.

They all have and now OP’s joined in.

Unfortunately, men get away with not pulling their weight because all the anger is directed at other women instead of them, it’s just accepted they are useless while other female relatives are guilted into stepping in. This just enables men to carry on doing nothing and it go unchallenged because there’s always a woman on hand to do their part.

I remember being heavily berated for not offering to cook, clean, do the shopping etc for my brother, dad and mum after she had surgery. This was despite me not living with them and my brother and dad being able bodied and working less hours than me. They’d even drafted my brother’s girlfriend who didn’t live there into doing chores, which was used against me.

I was baffled at the time that I apparently should have known between the two of them they apparently couldn’t manage to cover the basic life admin and tasks my mum usually did and would need my assistance. When I pointed this out I was told I was selfish and I wouldnt be helping them I would be helping my mum.

Of course when I had surgery twice and my wife had surgery there were no offers of help from anyone because as women it’s assumed we can cope on our own (we can but it shows the hypocrisy here).

🙄

This is the kind of crap designed to make women feel guilty.

Meanwhile the step dad is sunning himself while the women are struggling.