To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

When he has carers, then there is no choice, it is whoever turns up.

If this is the only reason it still does not sit well with me. Should everyone in the family who is able to help be helping? Absolutely!
However, if my 70 year old mother asked me to help even if it was the third time that day, I can’t imagine just telling her no. OP- after you refused, did your stepdad help or was your mum just left to manage it alone?
It’s not about being a woman or not, it’s about being a decent human being and helping your mum who is having to be a carer for her dying father instead of being able to treasure the remaining time she has with him.

Fucking useless men take up way too much headspace!

Forget him OP and get over to the Elderly Parents forum and find out about getting the outside help you and your DM need. You shouldn't have to be coping with this on your own, help is available but you have to go out and access it.

Why - it’s changing sheets

and I reckon I know who the stepfather is gonna expect to clean up hisnpissy sheets

You pop round and just do it.

Didn't think so.

She is 70 years of age and watching her father die whilst doing her best to care for him. Everyone who can should step in and help make it easier. squabbling like this probably makes her feel resented for asking those around her for help, when she should be feeling supported at this time.

I thought the same, would do it without thinking twice but I am in my seventies and aware that one day, I could need help.
................

Regarding your step dad, op, he does need to step up in some ways, there must be things he can do in granddad's house, plus shopping unless it is delivered; also at home while your mum is helping her dad. Maybe he does those things and when he was in the garden, was having a bit of time off. Only you know.

Whatever, it is up to your mum to speak to him about it.

Your mother asked YOU.

It's appalling that you're casting your eyes around for someone else to help. Just do it, it takes minutes and from the sounds of it, he won't be on this earth for much longer.

Her dad is dying and her husband isn’t helping and neither is her adult child.

I hope she makes some massive changes in her life after her dad leaves this earth.

You are awful and so is your step dad.

That simply isn't true. We can all choose who does our personal care. Otherwise women would be forced to accept men, and we all know that isn't acceptable to a lot of women.

This is exactly why women are doing the majority of unpaid care while men are scot free.

HELP her, one day you could be where your mum or granddad are now and you'll need some loving compassionate support too.

Have you had council carers come to your home 4 times a day?

The adult child has already helped twice this week. Try reading the thread. It isn't hard.

It is awful when people can't read the thread.

The MEN CAN HELP.

It will be them who could be dying one day,

I’m confused, I don’t even know who this person is. But my own family then yes of course unless there was a real reason I was unable to.

Depends on your relationship with your mum. You don't owe the help but if you otherwise have a close relationship it might be better to just grit your teeth and do it. Otherwise don't be guilted into it if it makes you uncomfortable. Definitely don't help her husband with anything ever though.

Yes. Just been through this with my own father.

Could you call some sort of family meeting and make a support plan for your Mum that involves everyone?

Plus: look into carers, palliative care team, disposable pads, incontinence underwear etc as appropriate, to help make life easier all round.

Women should do the care for the sake of maintaining relationships while the men get off scot free.

When my grandma was unwell before she died my mum's brothers were useless as were my cousins and my own brother, I helped, my dad who is her EX husband helped, not for my gran who want the nicest person, not because others shouldn't have been helping, but because my mum needed the support.

This has got nothing to do with whether men should help or not, more to do with who has enough common decency to. So step dad seems to be a lazy good for nothing. Doesn’t mean the OP has to stoop as low

He got the choice who did his personal care? I have known several people who had no choice with council carers.

Don't assume that is the case for everybody.

It’s his wife that needs help, if he’s that concerned he could help her himself. We have no idea whether OP works full time or has kids, if she does then I think it’s very unreasonable to expect her to come every day and change bedding while there’s a perfectly able bodied man there who could do so, but is busy sunbathing instead.

Regardless of whether OP has other commitments, she’s already been twice this week so far to help out, speaking as a HCP, who performs intimate care, no one is obligated to do so. It’s nice if people will, and most people will do so if they have no other choice, but OP should not be guilt tripped into doing regular care for someone who is doubly incontinent just because her mum is doing so. If her mum is struggling she needs to get carers in or maybe her husband could help her out.

No I'm saying if she's close with her mum and they have a good relationship she probably wants to help her out because it's assumed that her mum helps her too hence the good relationship. I literally said otherwise not to do it if it makes her uncomfortable. And I said not to help the step dad with anything!