To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

The men get to be useless so the women have to step up hence the majority of unpaid care is done by women.

Exactly this.

The OPs mother asked her for help with her dying father /grandfather.

Irrelevant what other resources or people are around. No misogyny, sexist behaviour - one human to another, male or female, anyone with an ounce of compassion or human decency would not refuse.

No it's not how my family functions and no I do not think it's a women's work. Quite the assumption you've made.
What I do think is that Op should step up and held her mum because nobody else is and why take the same attitude as the rest of her lazy family.
My answer would be exactly the same if Op was male.

Yes. He did. As did my mother.

So maybe you could also take your own advice and not assume your experience is universal.

It’s true that as a rule men don’t pull their weight regarding care tasks (amongst many other things). But when a relative is dying and potentially uncomfortable it is not the right moment to make a stand against this.

Or.....or....as a family, decide on an acceptable and sustainable plan such as a package of care.

OP should not have to do this for her grandfather or her mother.

I did not have children so that they could do this for me. Nor would I expect it. I would much rather have a stranger do personal care than subject my family to it or dramatically alter our relationship

Yes I would have helped. Your poor mother looking after her dying father & being refused support.

I'd start by asking yourself what are you hoping to do? Get others to step up? Have everyone share these tasks?

The thing is, you can't control what others do/don't do, only your own reactions. In a situation like this, I'd suggest thinking about how your mum feels. She's taken on a mammoth task of caring for someone in their final days/weeks/months which includes what is a very physically and emotionally tough job, often thankless and deeply related to duty, kindness and service.

Your Mum is telling you she needs you. She's 70 and this whole experience probably reminds her of her own mortality too. This is a chance to be with her and help her through the coming weeks. This is not about tit for tat of who did what, but being there with your family during a hard time. I'd take a deep breath, talk to your Mum about what types of supports are most important/needed and then look at how you can help with these. Maybe then you could also encourage others to help with things your Mum needs. Their responses shouldn't make you do less in protest. That protest only hurts your Mum.

This is a chance to step up @NimbleBee. That doesn't mean you are available 24/7 but it does mean you help someone whose doing so much, have a lighter load. One day most of us will be in the same boat.

Good luck!

It's obviously been her mum's decision to care for her father herself. As this is end of life care, he could be in a hospice or a nursing home but her mum is choosing to do all the personal care herself. However, she can't expect her daughter to do this, very unpleasant, personal care if she doesn't want to. OP has already helped her twice this week so it's not like she is doing nothing, unlike her mum's husband.

The last thing that I would want if I was doubly incontinent is for any of my children or grandchildren to be dealing with this.

So you think ok that other family opt out but that the OP can’t say I’ve done this too much and others should pull their weight?

Personally I think YABU. I would 1000% help. Your grandad might not want your stepdad changing his bedding, I’m not convinced my grandad would want my stepdad doing this. Regardless though, I wouldn’t sit back and watch my mum struggle as she watched her dad die.

So the solution is to let the poor woman doing it struggle on alone???
This is her mother we are talking about, not a paid carer or something (not sure that would make it any better, but....).
She should help her mother - and see if another solution can be found in parallel.

Nor me. It astonishes me that anyone would refuse to help their mum in this situation.

Perhaps there are loads of other relatives around to help but DM won’t ask them, why doesn’t she ask StepF -typical women landed with it.

She has helped but says that there are other family that haven’t helped. Don’t you think that those who haven’t help should step up?

I see 34% think YANBU

Yes her mother's own husband is refusing support.

Yes, they should step up as much as they can but n the meantime, granddad's bed has to be changed regularly; he can't be left in soiled bedding.

So keeping women in the caring role while men get off scot free?

It astonishes me that caring is still seen as very much a womans role. Men are not being castigated like the OP is,.

Your reason for not being helpful in this awful situation is that other people are less helpful. That makes you as bad as them.

@Wonderingwhyyy come up for breath love ..you made your point numerous times. Over invested much?

This!

of course step dad should help also

You and your step-dad are both acting like dickheads, but since you're the one asking if you are being unreasonable, just think about how many shitty nappies of yours your mother had to change. Then go and help her change the bedding.