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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

667 replies

NimbleBee · 30/04/2025 09:30

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

OP posts:
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5
PineappleChicken · 30/04/2025 13:22

Some don’t do it ‘out of guilt’. They do it because they actually care about people. I guess that’s the difference between people. Some care; some don’t and would rather let someone vulnerable suffer to make a feminist point. I’m not one of those people. It appears you and maybe the OP are. I’m out of this thread now. I don’t want to keep reading this selfish bullshit.

AlmostSummer25 · 30/04/2025 13:22

OneQuirkyPanda · 30/04/2025 09:53

Maybe OP works full time and has other commitments? She’s already changed the bedding twice this week and it’s Wednesday morning, so presumably her mum expects her to come round every day and change the sheets while her husband sunbathes. If that’s the case I can see why she has refused.

The stepdad doesn't sound great, that's for sure, and he probably expect his wife to help if it was his dad.

However, it isn't his dad and it is the OP's grandad... & her mum that needs help.

Welshwhales · 30/04/2025 13:22

YABU your mum needed help just as much your grandad . We don't stay young forever, maybe one day you may need help as well.

ruethewhirl · 30/04/2025 13:23

PsychoHotSauce · 30/04/2025 13:19

What exactly do you hope to achieve by being petty and whining it's not fair about your step dad? Because I'm telling you now, if you think you're going to successfully guilt trip your step dad into helping, you're very wrong. All you've done is make your mum feel shit and alone during an already awful time.

So stepdad gets off scot free while OP, who actually has helped, is vilified? Get a grip.

henbethma · 30/04/2025 13:23

BelfastBard · 30/04/2025 12:21

You’re just realising that women are expected to take on the bulk of caring responsibilities in society? Where have you been?

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I've been an active feminist for about 50 years: just hadn't made the link with Dalits before - both castes being expected to clear up literal shit so others don't need to.

Would be nice if people would read other people's posts more carefully and not be so quick to condemn !

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/04/2025 13:25

2chocolateoranges · 30/04/2025 09:57

I’d help my mum bury a body if she needed my help! 😂

it’s only changing a bed!

It's probably a bed soaking in wee and poo...

The mum needs to engage carers to help daily.

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 13:25

rubicustellitall · 30/04/2025 13:17

No ..its about love and respect and loyalty to an elderly lady who is doing her best to help her father have some dignity.

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Only directed at the woman not the man.

ruethewhirl · 30/04/2025 13:26

Cadenza12 · 30/04/2025 13:19

He needs a care assessment. From the sound of it it could be 4 times per day at his stage. Contact the GP and adult social services.

Yes, now you’ve come to mention it… my dad got 4x daily carer visits when nearing end of life. @NimbleBeedefinitely look into this or get your mum to.

Pastit12 · 30/04/2025 13:26

Yes YABU your mums 70 years old dealing with your grandad dying emotionally and physically so you need to cut her some slack.
I can understand you being angry that you step dad is sitting on his arse and not pulling his weight but at the end of the day this isn’t about him or you and the last thing your mum needs is the stress of you two going at each other.
step up and help your mum you must think you wasn’t completely in the right or else why would you be posting on here.
Why does your mum not get help ie carers for your grandad that at least would take some of the strain for her.

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 13:26

rubicustellitall · 30/04/2025 13:17

No ..its about love and respect and loyalty to an elderly lady who is doing her best to help her father have some dignity.

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Then the man can step up and other men in the family who get off scot free.

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 13:28

PineappleChicken · 30/04/2025 13:22

Some don’t do it ‘out of guilt’. They do it because they actually care about people. I guess that’s the difference between people. Some care; some don’t and would rather let someone vulnerable suffer to make a feminist point. I’m not one of those people. It appears you and maybe the OP are. I’m out of this thread now. I don’t want to keep reading this selfish bullshit.

It is not about making a feminist point and not caring.

It is about the prevailing attitudes that this is women's work and that women should be guilted and made to feel bad if they don't step up while this is not directed at men.

I have experienced this myself in own family. Elderly men want the women to look after them because their sons have BIG important jobs that must not be interrupted or disturbed.

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 13:29

Pastit12 · 30/04/2025 13:26

Yes YABU your mums 70 years old dealing with your grandad dying emotionally and physically so you need to cut her some slack.
I can understand you being angry that you step dad is sitting on his arse and not pulling his weight but at the end of the day this isn’t about him or you and the last thing your mum needs is the stress of you two going at each other.
step up and help your mum you must think you wasn’t completely in the right or else why would you be posting on here.
Why does your mum not get help ie carers for your grandad that at least would take some of the strain for her.

This is what keeps women as carers. Men are cut so much slack they get off scot free.

ruethewhirl · 30/04/2025 13:34

ButterCrackers · 30/04/2025 12:57

You just reach the end of your tether when faced with tough tasks all the time and others sitting around doing nothing. It’s natural. The others should help. If not this can lead to carer burn out.

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Totally this.

thepariscrimefiles · 30/04/2025 13:34

rubicustellitall · 30/04/2025 13:10

With all due respect OP what the fuck is wrong with you? All I can say is it takes a very special kind of person to walk away from a struggling elderly lady who is no doubt killing herself to do the best for a dying person. I am glad I am not special like you are cos I couldnt walk away like that. And before anyone moans about men and women's expectations it won't wash here not in this situation. It was a mum plainly asking her daughter for 5 mins of her time to help her.

Edited

What the fuck is wrong with you? I presume that OP doesn't live with her mum or her grandfather so it will obviously take much longer than 5 minutes to change his bedding if she has to walk or drive or get a bus there and back. OP has already done this twice this week and it's only Wednesday. Why can't her step-dad help his own wife? Surely, the grandfather would feel more comfortable with another man rather than his grandaughter.

Sarahjb7616 · 30/04/2025 13:37

It’s really up to you. How will you feel when your grandfather is no longer here and you know you could have helped but didnt. Your Mum is doing her very best and probably is more than capable of doing it all & just needs a couple of bits doing to help her. I cared for both my parents (who passed away within weeks of each other). Yes, it’s hard but you do it for the person in need. They can’t help themselves and don’t want to be a burden at all. It’s a kind thing to do to help people in need. What you give out in this world is what you get back.

EilishMcCandlish · 30/04/2025 13:37

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 13:26

Then the man can step up and other men in the family who get off scot free.

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What if the grandfather doesn't want a man doing personal care for him?

Busyquaver1 · 30/04/2025 13:38

driedgrasses · 30/04/2025 09:46

Your mother is 70 years old so presumably you're a fully grown, possibly middle aged adult, and you won't help her out? Shame on you. Regardless of the sexist situation your mother finds herself in, somebody has to do it, the man's dying ffs.

This

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 30/04/2025 13:39

Nope you need to help more than want your step dad does it’s your grandad.

LittleBitofBread · 30/04/2025 13:39

LegoTherapy · 30/04/2025 09:43

I guess it’s classed as women’s work hey? No reason that this should fall on op. Her step dad should be helping out. I’m my mum’s carer and get fuckbsll help from the rest of the very able family and it’s breaking me et times. I’d have helped this time but told my mum that she needs to get help from others too.

Exactly this. The OP says there are other family who could help but do not.
Her stepdad chooses to sleep in the garden instead of stepping up for his wife.
But it's the OP who needs to 'grow up' and who is 'selfish'.

The misogyny, sexism and male/male-style chauvinism here are off the charts.

thepariscrimefiles · 30/04/2025 13:41

EilishMcCandlish · 30/04/2025 13:37

What if the grandfather doesn't want a man doing personal care for him?

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Why wouldn't he? Would you really want your grandaughter to have to deal with this kind of personal care for you? I certainly wouldn't.

diddl · 30/04/2025 13:44

I don't think that anyone should be forced into helping out with the caring that someone else has decided to do.

vitahelp · 30/04/2025 13:44

Just do it. If others don’t want to then they can live with that, but I would be helping if it were me and not declining because someone else wouldn’t.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/04/2025 13:46

Op doesn't have to do a god damn thing and she doesn't have to feel guilty about it either, she is not the one that decided to do this level of care, she's been roped in by her mother who made that choice.

I don't care if she's 70, she can't drag and guilt people in to help change shitty, pissy sheets because SHE decided to do it.
If she can no longer do it herself and her husband refuses to help at all and no other family want to help and OP has come to the end of her helping limit then the family need to get carers in or get the grandfather into a hospice.

No one is owed this level of care by any family members, it is why everyone should have a plan in place so situations like this can be avoided.

The amount of internalised misogyny in the majority of these replies are astounding, shocking even and you should have a look at yourselves and why you've responded so disgustingly to op.

Whoarethoseguys · 30/04/2025 13:46

I think it would be better if you helped your mum rather than her husband who presumably is not related to your grandad.
But in the living mg term it's probably better for your grandad to get some paid carers and it's a horrible situation for him and for your mum

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 13:48

Sarahjb7616 · 30/04/2025 13:37

It’s really up to you. How will you feel when your grandfather is no longer here and you know you could have helped but didnt. Your Mum is doing her very best and probably is more than capable of doing it all & just needs a couple of bits doing to help her. I cared for both my parents (who passed away within weeks of each other). Yes, it’s hard but you do it for the person in need. They can’t help themselves and don’t want to be a burden at all. It’s a kind thing to do to help people in need. What you give out in this world is what you get back.

This approach is never given to men

Surprise surprise.