Page 12 | To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

NimbleBee · 2025-04-30T08:30:29+00:00

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months. I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness. My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more. Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not. My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM. I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time. Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

ButterCrackers · 30/04/2025 13:06

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The male family members will be well rested - you missed that part out.

PineappleChicken · 30/04/2025 13:07

Sometimes a point has to be made to change things otherwise women keep being burdened and guilted.

There is a time and place for that. It is a societal issue that should be addressed at a societal level with campaigns, information, etc, not making a point which means leaving two vulnerable people in your family with no help or care.

When the time comes to do this for my dad I will not be refusing to help change his bedding just because my brother isn’t. At the same time, I will be telling my brother he needs to step up in other ways, whether that’s helping his dad pee in a bottle, going food shopping and prepping meals or simply taking our mum out for lunch to give her a break. You can address the issue at an individual level without punishing two vulnerable people.

ginasevern · 30/04/2025 13:09

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 13:06

There is no need to be so nasty.

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It's not nasty, it's the truth.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/04/2025 13:09

OnlyLittleOldMe · 30/04/2025 12:41

The fact she hasn't responded to the question why is strange. Also it's not women's work there are lots of male carers in the profession. Especially in residential homes. The SD should help change the sheets especially if he is living in th same house.

You mean where they get paid, well yes of course men do caring roles if they're incapable of finding other more desirable employment so long as they get paid.

rubicustellitall · 30/04/2025 13:10

With all due respect OP what the fuck is wrong with you? All I can say is it takes a very special kind of person to walk away from a struggling elderly lady who is no doubt killing herself to do the best for a dying person. I am glad I am not special like you are cos I couldnt walk away like that. And before anyone moans about men and women's expectations it won't wash here not in this situation. It was a mum plainly asking her daughter for 5 mins of her time to help her.

DaniO2 · 30/04/2025 13:12

ButterCrackers · 30/04/2025 13:00

So when the OP’s stepdad needs help she and her dm should say no because you’re not related?

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That is quite a bizarre thing to say. The mother is married to him so I'd say they are related...

But in most cases and most families people prefer their close family to help. The stepfather is also likely in his 70s, and the OP is very likely much younger and fitter. I'm sure he can step up in other ways but IMO it is more OPs responsibility to help her grandad than her stepfather's responsibility.

It doesn't mean he shouldn't help, but if he's retired and getting on a bit just like OPs mother then seems unfair OP is expecting them to do it all between them.

ButterCrackers · 30/04/2025 13:12

DaniO2 · 30/04/2025 13:12

That is quite a bizarre thing to say. The mother is married to him so I'd say they are related...

But in most cases and most families people prefer their close family to help. The stepfather is also likely in his 70s, and the OP is very likely much younger and fitter. I'm sure he can step up in other ways but IMO it is more OPs responsibility to help her grandad than her stepfather's responsibility.

It doesn't mean he shouldn't help, but if he's retired and getting on a bit just like OPs mother then seems unfair OP is expecting them to do it all between them.

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I’m replying to the poster in the quote who says that the stepdad isn’t related.

MyDeftDuck · 30/04/2025 13:13

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Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 30/04/2025 13:13

If it known he is in his final months, and he is doubly incontinent, and his carer is in her 70's, you are entitled to help.

If he is terminally ill this may be through continuing health care. If not, and he has more than £22,000 or so, then he might need to self fund.

But carers, NH placement and even hospice, if relevant, all exist and can be of use if you understand how to access these things. Call the council to ask for an adult social care assessment, or find a private care provider online, or get a formal estimate of life expectancy from the GP.

Neither he, nor your mother should suffer through this.

No judgement from me about you not wanting to do physical care yourself.

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 13:13

PineappleChicken · 30/04/2025 13:07

Sometimes a point has to be made to change things otherwise women keep being burdened and guilted.

There is a time and place for that. It is a societal issue that should be addressed at a societal level with campaigns, information, etc, not making a point which means leaving two vulnerable people in your family with no help or care.

When the time comes to do this for my dad I will not be refusing to help change his bedding just because my brother isn’t. At the same time, I will be telling my brother he needs to step up in other ways, whether that’s helping his dad pee in a bottle, going food shopping and prepping meals or simply taking our mum out for lunch to give her a break. You can address the issue at an individual level without punishing two vulnerable people.

By the women continuing to rally round and doing it out of guilt, keeps the men free of judgment and free of caring duties

CaraVann · 30/04/2025 13:14

I genuinely believe that most comments on this thread are purposely out to antagonise. I doubt many of those posting have been in this position (and certainly not as a grandchild).

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 13:14

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Shame on you for being so judgmental. Shame on you

TwinklyFawn · 30/04/2025 13:15

There are some disgusting posts on this thread. Don't feel guilty op.

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 13:15

rubicustellitall · 30/04/2025 13:10

With all due respect OP what the fuck is wrong with you? All I can say is it takes a very special kind of person to walk away from a struggling elderly lady who is no doubt killing herself to do the best for a dying person. I am glad I am not special like you are cos I couldnt walk away like that. And before anyone moans about men and women's expectations it won't wash here not in this situation. It was a mum plainly asking her daughter for 5 mins of her time to help her.

Edited

What is wrong with you? She has already helped twice this week. You are not guilting the man in this situation.

Misogyny.

WearyAuldWumman · 30/04/2025 13:16

Re: social services, etc.

My experience is that they’ll see a
mobile - if not necessarily fit - family member living in the same house and just leave everything up to them. Ditto other family members - though they might show an interest in ensuring that they’re mentioned in the funeral service.

rubicustellitall · 30/04/2025 13:17

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 13:15

What is wrong with you? She has already helped twice this week. You are not guilting the man in this situation.

Misogyny.

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No ..its about love and respect and loyalty to an elderly lady who is doing her best to help her father have some dignity.

AlmostSummer25 · 30/04/2025 13:18

AlwaysFreezing · 30/04/2025 09:37

But why? Looking after someone who is dying is hard. Really hard. If your mum needs help and you can give it, why wouldn't you?

This is about your grandad having a clean bed and you mum having help. Its not to do with your step dad and how much help he is giving or not.

If you're not able to help that's different. But you've not said that.

Kindness in dark times goes a long way.

Exactly that.

is it your mum or your grandad you don't want to help?

FinallyHere · 30/04/2025 13:18

Please don’t listen to the people telling you to step up when no one else in your family is helping your DM and they are ‘letting the women’ sort of out for them.

having said that, double incontinence is the point at when a care home with round the clock care by two able bodied and trained people can really come into it’s own.

People praise providing care at home but a care home would allow your mother to go back to providing company for her father and not make her his servant. It’s really not good to have the caring relationship only with parents as they near the end of their life.

all the best.

Cadenza12 · 30/04/2025 13:19

He needs a care assessment. From the sound of it it could be 4 times per day at his stage. Contact the GP and adult social services.

PsychoHotSauce · 30/04/2025 13:19

What exactly do you hope to achieve by being petty and whining it's not fair about your step dad? Because I'm telling you now, if you think you're going to successfully guilt trip your step dad into helping, you're very wrong. All you've done is make your mum feel shit and alone during an already awful time.

Wingingitbestican · 30/04/2025 13:19

idolikealiein · 30/04/2025 09:39

Her dad is dying. The last thing she needs is you lot squabbling over petty issues. Step up.

This

2JFDIYOLO · 30/04/2025 13:20

Your poor, poor mum.

Having to cope with this while the pair of you squirm out of helping her.

Words fail me.

WearyAuldWumman · 30/04/2025 13:21

A thought - a good GP might be able to organise Hospital at Home if it’s available for the OP’s area.

RisingSunn · 30/04/2025 13:21

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Surely - this is her point.

telestrations · 30/04/2025 13:22

As much as I loathe a man who won't share the load with his wife, and he should be though not necessarily with changes. The man dying is your grandfather and your DMs father, not your step-dads, and should be given the dignity of being changed by his family who love him, or a professional.

If your DM can't do it by herself, her DH won't or is not wanted to, and you can't or won't then you atleast need to step up and get the care in or the hospice place that is clearly needed.