To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

YANBU - OP you have already done it twice this week.

And I’m assuming you have work and a family?

I don’t think you mean to make things worse for your mum. You just sound as if you would like extra support.

Perhaps time to call in external carers to share the load?

Yet again...she IS helping. She has just set some limits around the help she can provide. That is her right; and tbh she is doing a lot more than I would do, or most posters would probably be prepared to do.

The aggressive judginess towards the OP is off the scale on this thread. I once posted on here exactly what my DS personal care involved, and MN put a trigger warning on the thread. Presumably someone complained about my post....it upsets some people's delicate sensibilities to know what is entailed, but they are happy to berate others like the OP for not doing it.

Shame the man does not feel the same in this situation

In her OP she states she’s done it twice this week already..

He isn't related to the dying man, though. OP is.

IMO, it is OP who should help her mum with her grandad. Nothing to do with being "women's work".

Your step father is not related to your grandad and so may feel awkward helping. However he could step up and help your mum in other ways, cook a meal etc. Are there other family members who could lend a hand? Is the family claiming any benefits they are entitled to such as carers allowance and attendance allowance. Any local authority care available? Perhaps your mum could contact a charity such as Aid Concern which might be able to offer advice on help and benefits available? I do think you are a bit mean not to help your Mum, although it depends on what you other commitments are and I know such care is going to be quite difficult, maybe strenuous and quite distressing. I do feel sorry for you all.

I’ve not been aggressive at all, how strange.
Yes it’s up to her but I couldn’t leave my mum to
do it all particularly if her SD isn’t helping. Each to their own though.

As OP has already helped her mum change his bedding twice this week, I think that her step-dad could step up and help his wife, as he obviously isn't busy.

Not everyone is cut out for doing this kind of personal care for a doubly incontinent elderly relative. OP's mum has obviously chosen to do this rather than employ carers or put him in a nursing home or hospice for end of life care. However, OP doesn't have to sign up for this.

The man (if you mean the stepfather) is unrelated to the dying man in this case. Perhaps he feels OP should step up to help her grandad rather than leave it to two people in their 70s?

She said she's not doing it any more.
That's not a limit

There are other likely male family members who are not helping. They should step up but they are not being guilted.

It doesn't matter. Carers aren't related to their clients either.

SD is related (married) to OP's mother, and as such, should be helping his wife.

Maybe he should think other family members who are not stepping up should do so instead of the nearest women?

I actually would do this if I lived nearby. I did it for our elderly next door neighbour. I would always lend a helping hand to anyone if asked. End of life care is extremely hard, especially if you are elderly yourself. It takes a huge physical and emotional toll on the one doing most of the care. I would never allow my mum to struggle with this, but I would also be calling out the stepfather at the same time and making him do something too. I wouldn’t just refuse to help because he isn’t, simply to make a point though. That shows a huge lack of compassion.

You just reach the end of your tether when faced with tough tasks all the time and others sitting around doing nothing. It’s natural. The others should help. If not this can lead to carer burn out.

We don't even know what kind of relationship OP has with her mum and her grandfather. It's OP's mum's decision to provide this hands-on personal care to her dad, but not everyone can do this. OP has already helped twice this week, so why shouldn't her retired step-dad step up and help his own wife?

It doesn't matter. Carers aren't related to their clients either.

SD is related (married) to OP's mother, and as such, should be helping his wife.

And a man who lives a carefree life with no responsibilities should help not force a young woman (most likely wife and mother herself) who would work and has child responsibilities.

And, in addition, I'm sure the granddad would feel more comfortable with a male doing than a female.

It is a bigger issue than just compassion. Men are not judged this way like women are.

Sometimes a point has to be made to change things otherwise women keep being burdened and guilted.

So when the OP’s stepdad needs help she and her dm should say no because you’re not related?

Just because it's seen as women's work it shouldn't be that way no more than looking after babies and toddlers should be women's work. That's another shabby lie the successive Governments keeps getting away with. There are male carers. Anyone that allows anyone to keep saying it's womens work should be ashamed of themselves. In any case at this stage in the care concerns he should be in a hospice or entitled to some help in the home.

In these situations these jobs are always seen as womens work. Damn right why doesn’t he help? Where are the rest of the close family to help? This is extremely unfair on a 70 year old woman having to do this alone. Has she looked into carers?

I think there is also a huge emotional impact on the person who is dying and this is often overlooked. They can feel embarrassment and perhaps not want everyone to know about their incontinence, having to clean them up. Even in the last stages of life people often only want close family and medical professionals to help. That obviously put pressure on the people they rely on.

It is an incredibly difficult situation for the dying man and his daughter. I can't help feeling so sorry for someone dying and their relatives not wanting to help.

Attitudes have definitely changed. I know with my dad he preferred my brothers to help, whereas I took care of my mother. It is just such a desperately sad situation for everyone but I know I'd step up. I wouldn't expect a stepparent to step up instead of me if they are no relation and the same age as my mother (70s).

There is no need to be so nasty.

Op, if your mum is struggling and your gf is soiling the bed regularly it really is time to call SS and get an assessment done.

No one should be feeling guilty for not wanting to do this. If caring was such an enjoyable pastime then the care homes and care companies wouldn't be crying out for staff.