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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Getting riled up at DH

91 replies

Hilltongum · 29/04/2025 17:54

Hi all😃 I’ll try to make it this as brief as possible but forgive me if I don’t manage it. A while ago my wedding ring started to get damaged and I was worried that it would fall off my hand/go missing so my husband decided to keep it somewhere safe until we would decide to get it fixed. During this time I carried on as normal and didn’t think too much into it, of course I care about my wedding ring but it just completely left my mind and we also have other things going on in our lives also financially we weren’t able to afford an exact replacement or replica without it affecting our other expenses. Now and then my husband would bring it up and one time he even said he was thinking of buying me a completely new one. Then sometime ago he told me he couldn’t find the ring anymore, I was surprised as he had supposedly kept it safe for me and I was really shocked that he’d lost it. But I didn’t let it bother me and once again carried on as normal. Then very recently, I was at the shops and thought of buying my husband some alcohol as he likes to sometimes drink it chilled. I got to the till and the cashier basically refuses to sell it to me as I apparently look underage. obviously I was low-key flattered but a bit miffed as I am certainly not underage but I didn’t have any ID on me so didn’t end up getting it in the end. When I told my husband what happened he started overreacting and went back to the shop to try and confront the cashier (who thankfully must have left or something - so there was no drama that occurred) but DH then proceeded to say that it was my fault that it happened because I didn’t have my wedding ring on and that’s why he “disrespected me”. He then started to bang on about how I haven’t had my ring on for ages (okay, granted I just totally forgot to look into getting it fixed) but I would have made arrangements but I’ve just a lot going on and it’s genuinely not been in my mind at all. So out of spite he then took his ring off so that he could “feel what I was feeling” or whatever it was he said. I got really upset and started shouting at him saying “why did you take it off out of spite?” That’s what really upset me, because at the end of the day, rings can go missing or get stolen etc so it’s not what makes a marriage, but obviously it’s still an important symbol. Was his reaction fair? Was my shouting uncalled for? I’m not a shouty person at all but he just got me so riled up!

OP posts:
HuffleMyPuffle · 29/04/2025 17:58

Is this really a subtly brag about getting IDed?

And why couldn't you look after your own ring?

He'd made it clear before it was important to him that you had your ring

He was ridiculous in his reaction

Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready · 29/04/2025 17:58

Imo it's not a ring that needs replaced...
He sounds like a bully...

nickelbabe · 29/04/2025 18:01

He lost your ring but it's your fault you're not wearing it?

AutumnLeaves91 · 29/04/2025 18:02

Sorry I’m confused, did he lose it and then you got shouted at for not having it on or did he lose it and then it was found again before the shop incident?

Hilltongum · 29/04/2025 18:03

AutumnLeaves91 · 29/04/2025 18:02

Sorry I’m confused, did he lose it and then you got shouted at for not having it on or did he lose it and then it was found again before the shop incident?

after he put it somewhere he then said he couldn’t find it anymore.

OP posts:
Notknots · 29/04/2025 18:05

You were reacting to his complete nonsense and nastiness, no wonder you shouted.

He sounds very controlling. This can't be a one off. Are there other examples of him being controlling and vindictive?

ZoggyStirdust · 29/04/2025 18:06

I think I’d be a bit miffed if my spouse removed their ring and made no effort to repair or replace it for what sounds like a very long period of time. It does sound like you were not bothered about wearing it.

Notknots · 29/04/2025 18:08

Hilltongum · 29/04/2025 18:03

after he put it somewhere he then said he couldn’t find it anymore.

So he's lost ir.
How are you meant to do something about it if he's lost it?

Also, what a load of rubbish, even if you had your wedding ring the shop assistant would have needed ID.
The law doesn't work like that!

Malagase · 29/04/2025 18:09

He sounds awful and you have bigger problems than a lost ring.

Hes a toxic bully.

Hilltongum · 29/04/2025 18:09

ZoggyStirdust · 29/04/2025 18:06

I think I’d be a bit miffed if my spouse removed their ring and made no effort to repair or replace it for what sounds like a very long period of time. It does sound like you were not bothered about wearing it.

It’s not that I wasn’t bothered, I just completely forgot about it. I think there’s a difference. If he had said to me “look babe, I got your ring fixed” I would have put it back on straight away.

OP posts:
Hilltongum · 29/04/2025 18:10

Malagase · 29/04/2025 18:09

He sounds awful and you have bigger problems than a lost ring.

Hes a toxic bully.

He’s not a toxic bully, but I understand where you’re coming from

OP posts:
MostlyHappyMummy · 29/04/2025 18:11

Does your husband wear a wedding ring?

gamerchick · 29/04/2025 18:12

Eh? He lost your ring. Why is he having a go that you're not wearing it?

gamerchick · 29/04/2025 18:12

And seriously. Paragraphs dude.

Hilltongum · 29/04/2025 18:12

gamerchick · 29/04/2025 18:12

And seriously. Paragraphs dude.

Sorry

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 29/04/2025 18:17

Sounds like some kind of bad drama on telly.

suburberphobe · 29/04/2025 18:18

And seriously. Paragraphs dude.

Yep!

DoYouReally · 29/04/2025 18:19

Hilltongum · 29/04/2025 18:10

He’s not a toxic bully, but I understand where you’re coming from

The evidence suggests otherwise!

His behaviour is not normal. Even if he was annoyed you weren't wearing the ring or considered it disrespectful (it's not), I would be afraid of someone who's temper is so explosive that they decide to confront a retail employee over doing their job (if in doubt, they ID - it's more than their ob is worth not to) and he's yelling at you over a lost ring, basically losing the plot and sheeting over something that could be resolved in multiple better ways.

His behaviour is the indicator of how good your marraige is. Wearing a wedding wouldn't make this relationship any better.

HuffleMyPuffle · 29/04/2025 18:20

gamerchick · 29/04/2025 18:12

And seriously. Paragraphs dude.

There's been a few of these rambly, paragraphs paragraphless posts recently

VexedofVirginiaWater · 29/04/2025 18:22

Hilltongum · 29/04/2025 18:03

after he put it somewhere he then said he couldn’t find it anymore.

Then it's completely his fault you weren't wearing it - can't you see how unreasonable he is being? How could you wear it if he's lost it? I think he must be barmy!

Hilltongum · 29/04/2025 18:23

DoYouReally · 29/04/2025 18:19

The evidence suggests otherwise!

His behaviour is not normal. Even if he was annoyed you weren't wearing the ring or considered it disrespectful (it's not), I would be afraid of someone who's temper is so explosive that they decide to confront a retail employee over doing their job (if in doubt, they ID - it's more than their ob is worth not to) and he's yelling at you over a lost ring, basically losing the plot and sheeting over something that could be resolved in multiple better ways.

His behaviour is the indicator of how good your marraige is. Wearing a wedding wouldn't make this relationship any better.

Well, I don’t really know how to respond to this - I agree that it could have been resolved in better ways, but I just don’t understand how my ring/getting ID’d got into the mix?

OP posts:
Hilltongum · 29/04/2025 18:24

VexedofVirginiaWater · 29/04/2025 18:22

Then it's completely his fault you weren't wearing it - can't you see how unreasonable he is being? How could you wear it if he's lost it? I think he must be barmy!

i don’t understand how it went missing as he’d kept it in one place and suddenly it wasn’t there anymore .

OP posts:
VexedofVirginiaWater · 29/04/2025 18:25

Hilltongum · 29/04/2025 18:24

i don’t understand how it went missing as he’d kept it in one place and suddenly it wasn’t there anymore .

Still not your fault though.

NotSafeInTaxis · 29/04/2025 18:26

ZoggyStirdust · 29/04/2025 18:06

I think I’d be a bit miffed if my spouse removed their ring and made no effort to repair or replace it for what sounds like a very long period of time. It does sound like you were not bothered about wearing it.

Why? It's just a bit of metal. Many married people don't wear rings.

I do not get the big deal. If it's somehow meant to signal ownership to other people I find that really distasteful

Foofedifiknow · 29/04/2025 18:30

Hilltongum · 29/04/2025 18:24

i don’t understand how it went missing as he’d kept it in one place and suddenly it wasn’t there anymore .

Gaslighting that’s how