Getting riled up at DH

[Hilltongum]

Hi all😃 I’ll try to make it this as brief as possible but forgive me if I don’t manage it. A while ago my wedding ring started to get damaged and I was worried that it would fall off my hand/go missing so my husband decided to keep it somewhere safe until we would decide to get it fixed. During this time I carried on as normal and didn’t think too much into it, of course I care about my wedding ring but it just completely left my mind and we also have other things going on in our lives also financially we weren’t able to afford an exact replacement or replica without it affecting our other expenses. Now and then my husband would bring it up and one time he even said he was thinking of buying me a completely new one. Then sometime ago he told me he couldn’t find the ring anymore, I was surprised as he had supposedly kept it safe for me and I was really shocked that he’d lost it. But I didn’t let it bother me and once again carried on as normal. Then very recently, I was at the shops and thought of buying my husband some alcohol as he likes to sometimes drink it chilled. I got to the till and the cashier basically refuses to sell it to me as I apparently look underage. obviously I was low-key flattered but a bit miffed as I am certainly not underage but I didn’t have any ID on me so didn’t end up getting it in the end. When I told my husband what happened he started overreacting and went back to the shop to try and confront the cashier (who thankfully must have left or something - so there was no drama that occurred) but DH then proceeded to say that it was my fault that it happened because I didn’t have my wedding ring on and that’s why he “disrespected me”. He then started to bang on about how I haven’t had my ring on for ages (okay, granted I just totally forgot to look into getting it fixed) but I would have made arrangements but I’ve just a lot going on and it’s genuinely not been in my mind at all. So out of spite he then took his ring off so that he could “feel what I was feeling” or whatever it was he said. I got really upset and started shouting at him saying “why did you take it off out of spite?” That’s what really upset me, because at the end of the day, rings can go missing or get stolen etc so it’s not what makes a marriage, but obviously it’s still an important symbol. Was his reaction fair? Was my shouting uncalled for? I’m not a shouty person at all but he just got me so riled up!

Your posts suggest you do

Sorry if the initial post is hard to understand, basically, he’d kept my ring somewhere, and the plan was to get it fixed or replaced - we never discussed who would have this responsibility of replacing/fixing but that was the plan. Obviously we just forgot about it and now and then (and I mean, very sporadically) DH would bring it up. On one occasion he said he couldn’t find it then started saying I never gave it to him.

Can you highlight which posts suggest this.

I think you’re both BU and this relationship sounds ridiculous.

The rings aren’t the issue here though.

The main issue is that he went to the shop to confront the worker for asking for ID (literally their job).
It’s absolutely pathetic.

I get asked for ID all of the time.

My vagina would slam shut forever if my DP acted like that.
And it certainly would be the end of the relationship.

No, it was fine.

He sounds unhinged, stupid, or some combination of those.

Shop assistants are required to ID if there is any doubt as to the customer's age, and it has nothing to do with 'respect'. What does this even mean?

Wearing a ring doesn't prevent ID checks.

Only unhinged or very unpleasant people 'confront' retail staff who are just doing their job and complying with the law.

My assumption is your DH felt the checkout guy was hitting on you - flattering you with how young you look, etc. And you not wearing your wedding ring fed into his insecurity. So the going back to confront the guy was nothing to do with you being ID’d when you aren’t, I assume, under 25 but more to do with your DH feeling his wife was hit on and that was an insult to DH.

I think the not getting your ring fixed could be hurtful to some spouses. Forgetting about it isn’t really that far from not caring enough to do anything about it for most people. It still shows a lack of concern about an outward symbol of your union. I also find the whole giving it to him to keep safe a bit weird.

But he lost it! How much worse is that than just not getting it fixed!

And the temper tantrum over it, whether he felt you were hit on or is hurt over your lack of concern is immature and not conducive to a good relationship.

A calm sit down and chat, hopefully with you both apologising and your DH recognizing his insecurity and you recognizing his hurt is probably all this needs if it’s a one off. If similar happens more than once in a blu moon, a more serious look at your relationship is warranted.

Ah so he's lying to you and blaming you instead of himself. Honestly he sounds like a dick.

Do you really think him going to confront a cashier over asking you for ID is

(a) is not normal
(b) a complete proportionate response
(c) indicative of someone who can't regulate their emotions/has a hot temper
(d) someone who has really paranoid issues - wtf would the cashier even know existed?
(e) all of the above

His behaviour is insane and toxic even of you say it isn't.

Yep

@Hilltongum forget the cashier drama, I don’t understand how your DH manages to lose your ring while looking after it and then it becomes your fault. Ok you should have done something sooner BUT he took over ‘for safekeeping’ and FAILED didn’t he? He is being ridiculous and deflecting from the real issue. Get angry and tell him to find it!

'my wedding ring started to get damaged and I was worried that it would fall off my hand/go missing '

how ? what do you actually mean

what metal is it made off

why would it fall off your finger ?

Thank you for this. Yes I accept that perhaps I minimised his concerns with me forgetting about me wearing the ring again. I’m unsure what went on his head but yes a serious talk is needed.

It had a cut going lengthways so it basically looked like the ring was about to tear into two if that makes sense? And the tear was getting bigger so it technically could have slipped off if I really wasn’t paying attention or doing some strenuous activity.

Is the ring metal?

Yes

How long have you not worn it for?

I'm still not following how you're supposed to wear a ring that he's lost.

I can’t even remember, I genuinely don’t recall.

I think he was more annoyed that I didn’t get it fixed or buy a new one. So he’s basically annoyed that I left it so long.

Weeks? Months? Years?

But he said he was going to get it repaired and put it ‘somewhere safe’

I’m finding it a bit difficult to work out what you’re talking about , but how can ANY of this be your fault! You weren’t wearing it because he took it, and then managed to lose it ! He can’t have concerns about you not wearing the ring because again, he has it !
He acting like an actual nutter

Well, I think it might be well over a year because it corresponded with me also having swollen fingers during pregnancy so I think that’s also why I didn’t mind having it off. The ring was very special to me that’s why I didn’t want anything to happen to it as I’d be so upset if I was the cause of it going missing. I guess I was more comfortable with the idea of not having it on/kept somewhere safe than potentially losing it.

I’m not sure it’s too hard.

op removed her ring. Husband said something along the lines of “I’ll keep it safe until you fix it and wear it again”. A long period of time passed during which the husband asked a few times what she was going to do, if she was going to fix it or wear it again. Eventually he said it had been so long it had now been lost.

husband probably thinks op isn’t that bothered about it and maybe that feels like she’s not bothered about the marriage.