Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

You walk her down the aisle. That’s what I’ll be doing

No way is the Op new to mumsnet

No. Way!

This is a seasoned mumsnetter

She isn’t a ‘first child’, she’s his only daughter. Of course she wants to feel like she means more to him than someone who isn’t his child.

I think part of the reason this poll is so split is because we don’t really know what the SD’s reasoning is.

Thats because even her DH doesn’t really know. He’s just got his ex and his son’s interpretation of her perspective.

Rather than get pissed at the pub his first act should have been to speak with her directly.

Is this really an all or nothing situation?

Has he considered if he agrees to this then he will be on the back foot about other arrangements such as where he sits in the church? At the top table for the reception etc?

Is it just this one thing that’s important to her or a prerequisite for a tsunami of further demands down the line - not just about the wedding but control over many aspects of his life?

No-one (aside from the SD who appears to have done nothing wrong) is coming out of this well.

The DH needs to be a parent and speak to his child to understand her feelings, try and find a solution (not at the bottom of a pint glass) and make clear that ultimatums will not be tolerated - that adults talk things through and try find common ground.

The OP needs to apologise to her DH for behaving as poorly as her SD in making threats and also speak to her DD (once she knows what the issues actually are) about the best way to proceed without drama and make sure this does not overshadow the wedding day.

This is exactly the problem. Either you want stepparents to treat stepchildren as their own or you don't. Or is it only stepmothers who must do this in the forms if their time, labour and money?

If SD has been raised to believe that she is the centre of the universe a little less we might not have this problem.

Did she ask for her parents to divorce? No. Did she like It? Maybe not. But many many MANY worse things happen in life, teaching some resilience is always a good idea.

This really isn’t worth getting divorced over. You can walk your DD down the aisle and do a speech and anything else that he isn’t ‘allowed’ to do. It’s unfortunate that your SD is such a nasty bitch, but your DH is a nice man who won’t risk losing a relationship with her. I can see why SD’s partner isn’t in a hurry to marry her!

TBH even if the threat of divorce works, all that would show OP is that he’d rather lose his daughter than her. She is still going to be left with the knowledge that he doesn’t actually consider her daughter to be his, and would choose his own over her.

There’s no ‘win’ there.

You’re asking him to choose your daughter over his own. That is abhorrent. Your daughter is not his, as much as you like to think it. You’re clearly a controlling person, tracking him without him knowing and making demands. If you’re making this ultimatum to him then you had better mean it because there is no way he will pick your daughter over his. He will resent you forever if you give him the ultimatum and he decides to stay, but I hope for his sake he chooses his own daughter and leaves.

He needs to get a backbone and call the daughters bluff and say ok if you want to be nasty and cut me off just because I'm a loving step father, go ahead, but that also means no money or inheritance from me as my will will be reflecting your decision to cut me out of your life.

His daughter is being a bit unreasonable, but maybe she has some issues that need discussing.
The idea that you would divorce your husband if he doesn't do what you want is absolutely ridiculous.

What a horrible situation. I haven't voted, as YANBU to be horribly upset by this ultimatum, but YABU to issue one of your own.

Do your DSD and DD have a relationship? Would DD have a chat with DSD and explain why she has asked your DH to walk her down the aisle? It may be that DSD isn't the one who is pushing this agenda, and faced with the reality of her step-sister reminding her that her own DF is dead, feels differently.

Has DSD been invited to the wedding?

I understand why you're so upset, but it appears from your description that your DH is just as upset, so I wouldn't go round threatening to divorce him, it sounds like he's on your side but in an impossible situation.

He is her father and behaved as such according to op until now . Why is biology so important to some 🙄

I wouldn't be held to any ultimatum by anyone. I would definitely remove the go-between mother and speak directly to my daughter, if at all possible

I don’t want or expect that from stepparents at all, regardless of sex. I think those expectations are harmful in the majority of cases.

And again, regardless of whether you think she’s justified or not, what you think she ‘should’ be is not what she is, what you think she ‘should’ feel is not how she feels. The situation is what it is, not what it ‘should’ be, and he’s had to decide between walking his stepdaughter down and aisle and losing his daughter. However bratty or flawed or awful she may or may not be, that’s his daughter, and he’s not prepared to lose her.

No, he isn’t. He assumed that role to a degree, but when put in a position where he has had to choose, he chose his child.

Biology is, and always has been, important for the vast majority of people. Not wanting it to be won’t change this.

Then he is not worthy of his role and the op should send him his way together with his spoiled brat of a daughter .vile behaviour from him and the brat

Exactly!

There are some weak-willed parents and entitled children around- beggars belief.

Why can't you walk her down the aisle? Threatening to divorce your husband for something that has been put unreasonably on him and is easily solvable seems crazy if you love him. Him bending to his biological daughter's seemingly unreasonable demands is probably upsetting for your duaghter, but it doesn't mean he loves her less, he is just being put in an awful position. Please walk her down the aisle and make a wonderful statement for mothers everywhere.

Okay 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is disgusting behaviour and you're justifying it because her parents are divorced. End of. It. Does. Not. Make. You. Special.

Her dad could walk the neighbour's milkman's cousin down the aisle and it would be HIS choice.

If you kick off like this because you don't like your parents' behaviour when you are an adult, that's on you. No one else needs to pander to it.

Firstly there is going to be a back story to this

Secondly the daughter hasn't shared this information the Exwife has ... its abit unfair to call the daughter bratty and selfish when she's not said anything.. no demands from her directly... maybe she confided a feeling to her mum and brother and they have broken her confidence by telling the dad

The dad needs to speak to his daughter as she may have been feeling second best for a while but said nothing until this came to light and her mum has wrongly taken it upon herself to share her daughters 'devastation,

You shouldn't be threatening her dad with divorce just because this wouldn't suit you

I think you need to calm down and think of a solution that fits everyone. how about you and him walk her down the aisle. I ended up with my mum, step dad and brother!! there are no rules you know

Firstly there is going to be a back story to this

no doubt the op is imagining it up now!

No, this is what happens when you become a full time parent to someone else's child and your actual children who you only see at weekends feel like they're been replaced and you love this other child more.

This entire situation is because the daughter doesn't feel special or precious to her father, she's had to share everything with OP's daughter, and wants one thing that's just between them.

I do think if o/p’s dd had her own bio father still alive it would be different.

however the kids father is dead. Surely sd has some empathy?

she can’t find it in herself to allow someone with no father of her own to have her wedding day? It will likely mean a lot to her, and will make bugger all difference if the dd gets married eventually, it’s not like he can only do one.

I’d come down on my kids like a ton of bricks if they behaved like this.