Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

My parents aren’t divorced, so that’s helpful.

I don’t need to either justify or condemn it. It is what it is, and my liking or disliking it means fuck all. Of course it’s his choice, but it’s a choice that comes with consequences, and he’s chosen that he’d rather ‘pander’ to his daughter and live with the consequences of not walking his stepdaughter down the aisle, than doing so and losing his child.

Firstly your husband needs to actually have an adult conversation with his daughter. Receiving information second and third hand, is never good and isn't always accurate either. Giving your husband an ultimatum, makes you as bad as his daughter, and it won't resolve the situation at all. How is your daughter's relationship with his daughter? Do they get along? Do they merely tolerate each other? Or can they not stand each other? Is your step-daughter in the habit of behaving in this way and making demands? I wonder if this is simply jealousy. Your step-daughter is in a relationship but marriage is not on the cards yet. She wanted to be the first to marry and therefore would be the first to have her Dad walk her down the aisle. She sees your daughter as having taken her thunder, and denied her those firsts, so she's kicking up a stink out of jealousy. Your husband needs to be aware that this jealousy could continue in the future. Your daughter becomes pregnant first, and that leads to resentment, as no doubt she'd want him to be 'Grandad'. His daughter won't like it and will stamp her feet, in jealousy. You can't live your lives on egg shells.

I’d walk her down the aisle myself!

You must have an already rubbish marriage if you would divorce your husband over this, you are being ridiculous and hysterical. It’s a bit sad he’s been given this ultimatum, and very disappointing and unfair, but to react the way that you have (sobbing uncontrollably) shows such emotional immaturity. You need to grow up,

Unless there is a huge backstory then his daughter is behaving in a disgusting way. My husband isn't my daughter's biological dad but I have no doubt he will walk them down the aisle when the time comes, if his daughter tried to tell him he wasn't "allowed" then I wouldn't necessarily make him do it but I would absolutely cut the SD from my life, she wouldn't be welcome in my house ever again.

Waiting for one hell of a backstory to drop…

FWIW I find it pretty disturbing that you tracked his whereabouts and your go-to threat is divorce.

Without really knowing the whole story or context of the relationships it’s hard to say what’s wrong or right.

My first reaction is wow how could someone be so cruel, this person hasn’t had a relationship with her Dad and he has now passed. Then I wander what kind of relationship the daughter has had with her own Dad, maybe she feels already pushed out or has had to share her Dad with someone that got him most of the time. Maybe this is important to her.

I think you can easily walk her down the aisle as a middle ground. It’s sad terribly sad but there seems to be a missing side to the story and without that context & what the relationship is like.

That’s tough I’m not a fan of threats but this could change his relationship with his dd forever
id try to fix this for him rather than make it harder. Don’t force him to choose just because his dd is

Unless of course the step decides to veto a speech and dance too, presumably she will continue in this vein forever. I certainly wouldn't be having her at the wedding, however the daughter gets to the altar!

She does have to get over it when she's so badly affecting the whole family. It's manipulation and should be shut down immediately. She should not be allowed to control what her father does.

It sounds like jealousy and rivalry and this won’t have been the first incident.

I don't speak to my father. DM gave me away rather than DSF which seemed like the right thing to do, given she birthed me!

Give over. If that's the narrative you want to reinforce then I guess you do you - but continually teaching it to children will result in a mean-spirited, self indulgent attitude and can only make for unhappiness.

Thank goodness her blood parents didn't have another child together. Heaven only help us if she'd had to share too much more.

Well your making the situation 10x worse by sobbing and threatening divorce.

Has your husband had a conversation with his dd or just ex

I get a feeling we won't be hearing from the OP again so we will never know. There is obviously a backstory to this which could be very relevant. Without that, most of our advice here is useless really. We have no idea of the DH relationship with his DD, how much he sees her (or saw her growing up) if the sisters have a relationship and what that is, if the sister is invited to the wedding, if the rivalry is from both sides, if the OP has a stepmother relationship with her DH DD....

totally agree. It's a ridiculous tradition. A grown woman is not cattle being traded at market.
I don't have a father as there were all kind of 'should's when it came to my wedding. I put my foot down and said I will have the dog walk me down the aisle. I did - he looked very cute in his little bow tie.

I'd not be doing anything to cause aggrevation between your husbqnd and his daughter and would walk my daughter down the aisle myself. Yab massively u for saying you'd divroce him.

No, she doesn’t. That it is badly affecting the family doesn’t mean she has to, or will, do any such thing.

The damage is largely done, anyway. OP now knows that he doesn’t consider her daughter equal
to his own child, and that he’d choose his own child over her. Even if she gives her own ultimatum and he does what she wants, all that means if that he would choose her over his daughter. Oh, and he’ll have lost his daughter, and possibly his son, which probably won’t mean good things for his relationship with either OP or her daughter.

There’s no ‘happy families’ outcome here.

Her father has had to make her choice, even if you think he shouldn’t have had to. She is allowed to say this is something she would walk away over. He has decided he would rather not lose his daughter, however unreasonable and horrible you may consider her to be.

I firmly agree with the posters saying that DH ask his daughter directly what her wishes are. It may be that the ex simply wants to stir up trouble and SD has no idea the pub chat with her father happened.

Once the situation is clarified you can act. My suggestions are below, but please keep in mind, I only know what you disclosed and there may be more nuance you need to account for.

If SD does not want DH to walk down the aisle, then either you or a male relative if you prefer such as an Uncle/Grandpa can walk DD down the aisle. Then you are under no obligation to attend or otherwise mark SD's future events as she has laid down the rules of engagement. SD is not invited to the wedding or uninvited as the case may be. Low to no-contact as needed in the future.

If it turns out SD made no such ultimatum, then proceed as planned.

Either way, don't make DH choose between his SD and his DD. Be the bigger person here because that is what your daughter needs. You can vent to friends who keep it in the vault.

It looks like the daughter's parents did have another child.

"Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.

Jealousy at its best! Probably jealous that it’s not her getting married.
It’s got nothing to do with the ex wife.
I'm on your side, I would be fuming! Does your daughter call him Dad and has he already said yes he would do it?

Lots of people make parenting mistakes and find themselves in messes such as this. He's not really choosing his daughter for the noble reasons you want to think, he's just paying for the consequences of not bringing her up better in the first place.

I understand your feelings OP, I'd be absolutely devastated too and I am gutted for your daughter. But I also see why he's made the choice he has, his daughter has ultimately weaponised his love for her and he's been put in the awful position where he either loses out on walking his SD down the aisle or loses out having a relationship with his daughter forever. It's so unfair and she is being a spiteful madam. However saying you'll divorce him if he doesn't walk your daughter isn't any better and I genuinely hope that's just something you've said here out of frustration and not something you've said to your husband. I hope SD is no longer invited.

She's your daughter. Walk her down the aisle yourself.

I like it. Each to their own I say…