Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

It's not ridiculous if it's something OP's daughter genuinely wants. I am a 'modern women' but I still wanted my Dad to walk my down the aisle. Maybe not the 'giving away' part, but definitely the walking part, it was really important to me, it was symbolic of my transition from my unmarried life to my married life, and also the part where my Dad hugged my DH at the top of the aisle felt like him welcome DH into our family. Yes, it's a bit twee and traditional, but it's not ridiculous

Obviously he isn’t prepared to live with the consequences of doing that. Feeling righteous about ‘not giving in’ is not worth losing his child for.

Got married 2.5 years ago and it was part of our wedding service, and a proud moment for my parents.

I suspect after this the SD won’t be attending the wedding anyway, so as long as he isn’t walking DD down the aisle then it is none of her business 🤷🏼‍♀️

Of course they won’t. There will be tears and devastation if they ever call him grandad. If he visits his stepdaughter in hospital after birth, the DD will be heartbroken. I’m quite shocked that people think this is normal behaviour and justified. It’s very much not normal and extremely disturbing/horrible for her to put her dad in that position. It’s clearly being done purely to cause maximum hurt.

I doubt ops going to give up the reason but his daughter is clearly very upset and to be a good parent he needs to talk to her about it but honestly I think most parents would put their biological child above another when push comes to shove.

Just like this father wants to put his child above ops when push comes to shove.

Those are good points. The old, "If you give a mouse a cookie...he'll want" type of behavior is difficult to stop once it starts. They think, it worked once, so I'll keep going, until life is unbearable for everyone except the one making the demands.

I still feel, though, that Mom could walk her down the aisle, both SD and OP can say, "we do" when asked who gives the bride away, and the OP's DH could be the father-of-the-bride for the rest of the evening (dance, toast, etc). I still, also feel, that OP's SD should not be invited to the wedding. Her behavior has already shown what type of person she is, and no one needs that kind of crazy-azzed antics at their wedding.

The OP's dh's daughter is being immature and unreasonable. He should walk her down the aisle.

If he had a daughter with OP that would be his child, so a completely different scenario. OP’s DD isn’t his child.

She doesn’t have to get over anything, and she can and did ‘throw around ultimatums’. Not wanting people to be able to do things you don’t like doesn’t mean they can’t do them, any more than not thinking you should have to face any negative consequences means you can duck them.

Even if she is a ‘spoilt, stroppy madam’, she is his child and he loves her. He is not prepared to lose his relationship with her in order to act as a father to his stepdaughter.

At a civil ceremony? In church you can opt not to have that but I guess some people do but I’d prefer not to be referred to as a chattel. My friend went full on tradwife at her wedding and promised to obey her husband despite that part being removed from the vows 100 years ago and they had to ask the vicar specifically to include them.

I’ve voted YABU because you’re asking your DH to do something that will fracture his relationship with his daughter. You’re asking him to choose you over her. If your daughter asked the equivalent of you, would you choose him and risk losing her? I’m not saying her behaviour is reasonable, although as others have said there are reasons why she might feel as she does, but him putting his foot down isn’t going to help change her mind. He does need to speak to her instead of just accepting the information via a third party, there may be more nuances to the situation. However, giving him an ultimatum isn’t reasonable either. Of course you’re hurting for your daughter, but he is also hurting for his. Pull together rather than apart, don’t make the choice to let it destroy your family.

Absolutely this. That's a horrible ultimatum, OP. He's inadvertently been forced into the middle of an impossible situation and has done nothing wrong here.

Don't ever face someone down with an ultimatum like this unless you are prepared for the outcome not to be the one you would choose. It's never a wise course of action.

Aside from anything else, the custom of a woman being 'walked' down the aisle by a man is very outdated and harks back to a time when women were handed over like chattels from one man to another. The idea of her mum walking with her is a lovely one and not a cheap compromise at all.

Think carefully about your actions: they could lead to a lot of unhappiness for you as well as others.

He is her father. Just not biologically. But he has raised her and been there for her.
And you say it’s completely different if it was his biological daughter but surely her hurt/pain would be the same, maybe even greater? But that would be a scenario where she would be expected to get over it (rightly so). I also think she should get over this.

Church ceremony. I didn’t feel like chattel but rather someone who has been loved and cared for by my parents and was now starting a new chapter. The ceremony of it was lovely, my mom cried and the vicar then did a sermon based around Star Wars.

Weddings can be whatever the bride and groom choose

I'd divorce him over this. His daughter is acting disgracefully 💐

It's a lot of drama about things that aren't happening yet.

I would forget about it, personally. Your husbands ex and his daughter sound very controlling and bitter.

Why can't you give your daughter away? Not sure what the rules are but that's what I would do. By that time, things might have changed anyway.

No, he isn’t. He is neither legally nor biologically her father, and when push came to shove he chose his actual child.

Yes, a scenario in which he had to choose between two of his children would be completely different.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable tbh. His daughter is cold and wrong to spring this so late in the day. My mum walked me down the aisle.

What on earth is the back story to this? Like if your marriage is 22 years going, presumably the daughter is at more than 22. I guess it sometimes happens, but did his daughter who accepted and loved your daughter since they were babies/young kids, just turned round and said " Although I have loved you and shared my dad with you for 20 years, I now hate you, and don't ever want my dad to do anything Dad like for you again." Before worrying about whether he does or doesn't walk your daughter down the isle, you need to try and figure out what is happening and why.

But you do agree that in the second scenario, the DD would have to get over it and put her feelings about abandonment to one side? So her feelings don’t trump all.

OP you sound as spiteful as his daughter and your husband has been placed in this shit sandwich by the pair of you.

Good luck with the divorce

How petty the stepdaughter and mum are behaving like brat's. Don't divorce him over this.

No, I said no such thing. I don’t get to decide any more than you do what someone else ‘has’ to do. That isn’t up to me.

I think the SD has a touch of jealousy. My thinking is that she's a bit put out that her dad gets to walk his SD down the aisle before her. She's in a LTR but there is no marriage on the horizon for her. I wonder if she would have taken the same stance if she was already married?

I totally agree. This is what happens when you make first-family children special and precious because their parents have divorced. OP's daughter is not a new addition, and her SD is a grown up. She may have some feelings about the subject but I'd let her get on with it. And perhaps someone should have shut down this nonsense several years ago.

I wouldn’t start threatening divorce either way op, you can’t force and coerce the outcome you want. That’s just emotional blackmail. Talk calmly about the aspects he might be willing to do to mark his role in your DDs wedding? He could give a speech, either in the church or at the reception - he could meet her at the alter. There are many things he can do -