Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

For goodness sake, sd needs to get over herself. What's the reason for the unreasonable behaviour?

Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.

I couldn’t stay with him if he refused , if all these years he has been the dad person and accepted that responsibility to then tell her no it’s shocking ! I hub wouldn’t would his daughter even mind ? What’s their relationship like ?

Leaving all the hyperbole, sobbing and threats aside as they are totally irrelevant.

Your DD's biological father is dead. In that situation - if you want the tradition of a male relative giving the bride away - then it is entirely appropriate that her stepfather steps in. Or an uncle, brother. My mum was given away by her sister's husband as her father had died.

In this situation I think the OP should be the one who gets the honour of walking her daughter down the aisle. The stepfather's ex-wife is clearly ridiculous.

This doesn't make a lot of sense so I'm guessing something is missing here.

Why, after all these years, does his ex care and why does his daughter care? Why did his ex require a special one-on-one conference for this instead of his daughter talking to him? And why did he even go, especially without you?

Were you the other woman who he broke up their home for?

Did he neglect his own daughter in favor of yours?

It seems you want to give the impression that the ex and daughter are simply, inexplicably insane. But that does not seem nearly as likely as there being more to the story here, perhaps something that tarnishes your halo? More information is needed to be able to weigh in usefully.

Who walks down the aisle with your daughter is not your decision to make. Your daughter can invite whoever she chooses, and any given individual has the right to decline that invitation. If your DH choice is that he doesn't want to play that role because it would damage another relationship that is important to him, then that is his choice. Butt out.

Your husband married you, as an individual. He has certainly stepped up and been a great dad to your DD but that has also bee his choice, and he gets to choose where the boundaries of that role lie for him, he hasn't taken any vow or signed any legal contract to fully inhabit the role of your daughter's father, and he isn't.

If his decision about where those boundaries lie affect either your own or your daughter's feelings for him, then that's the bit that is under your control. Yes you can both feel hurt by this decision. You may even decide that your feelings are so drastically changed as to not want to be in a relationship with him any more - which many people would think was a massive over-reaction but your feelings are your own, and if that's how you feel then that's it. However - what is NOT reasonable is using this as a threat to him, as an emotional blackmail, or threatening divorce unless he chooses to alienate his own daughter in favour of yours. You can tell him that you and your daughter will be devastated if he doesn't take the father-of-the-bride role - but his own daughter will be devastated if he does, so he's in a no-win scenario. He has to cause emotional devastation to someone he loves either way. Anyone who loves him and is a genuinely good person would want to make this awful dilemma easier for him, not harder. So if you don't love him enough not to care about that, maybe divorce would be a good idea so that he can find a relationship with someone who loves him.

Why ? Can’t he walk both ?

I agree with other posters that it should be you walking your daughter down the aisle rather than her stepfather.

Perfect idea right here!

Very easy to say when you’re not facing it being a reality. This is his daughter, his only daughter, and despite him being in OP’s daughter life for 22 years, she isn’t his child, and he isn’t prepared to lose his own child/ren to walk her down the aisle.

It’s also easy to dismiss this as a childish strop that of course she’ll get over, rather than see it as years of hurt reaching a boiling point.

Obviously not.

Your emotions are not unreasonable, but you have to think about what you can and cannot control and how best to manage what you can control. You, your husband and your daughter can be a team in how you handle this.

1. Your husband hasn’t spoken to his daughter yet. Only her Mum. He needs to keep communications with her open. He needs to hear what her reasoning is and explain why he thinks he should walk his stepdaughter down the aisle.
2. Is stepdaughter coming? I’d assume not if she hates her step sister so much that she would seek to deny her this.

I am now going to suggest another option. Wonderful as her step dad had been to her, he is not her dad. You are her Mum. You should walk her down the aisle. Your husband should be there in the pews waiting for you and looking in proudly at his wife and stepdaughter.

What is the relationship between your DD and SD like? Perhaps they need to discuss it between themselves.

Could an option be that you and DH walk DD down the aisle together?

On the face of it the stepdaughter is wildly unreasonable.

But symbolic things like this just aren't worth causing so much drama over, let alone threatening divorce.

If he doesn't give the daughter away, take a step back and ask yourself: does that really matter?

What matters is that he loves her and supports her. That's shown in his actions 365 days per year, not in one gesture on one day. What's important is that her marriage is a strong one. Your happiness and her happiness don't rest on a 5-minute ritual.

Would you feel the same if the DH and the OP had had a child together so the DH was actually the child’s biological dad and this stroppy madam issued a similar ultimatum? Because according to Mumsnet, having a second family is also deeply traumatic for children, arguably more so than a stepfamily. The point is that you have to get over it when you are an adult. You can’t simply throw around ultimatums where you want to be the centre of the universe. As a child you don’t dictate how your parents live their lives or how many children they have.

I bet you anything this is jealousy about her not getting married first. Maybe her boyfriend has said he never wants to get married so she is intent on ruining her stepsisters wedding.

Only one of them is being a brat ? Sorry why does it have to be one or the other ? And why do you think he doesn’t see her a daughter too ? My husband treats his exs son as his own and they had one together , he is treated the same way as his brother is and the same way he now treats my own children his step kids and none of the kids would even bat an eyelid about him doing any expected fatherly duty because they all know they share him and his love . Why is this daughter behaving so badly ? Because if he was a terrible dad then for sure she ou isn’t what him walking her down the aisle either .

If the OP's DD has someone else walk her down the aisle, I do hope OP's DD is smart enough to not invite her "lovely, deranged, mentally unhealthy" step-sister to her wedding. After all, according to many posters here, she isn't REALLY family, so no need to invite her. Avoid her drama and possible temper tantrums and have the stepdaughter/sister stay home.

OP--I would walk your DD down the aisle as I think that's a very special token of how close the two of you are. I wouldn't hold it against your DH, because he is between a rock and a hard place. I would, however, think a lot less of my SD and not bend over backwards for her if the need ever arose.

Yes….the double standards are quite apparent.

There’s definitely a huge backstory here. I suspect this is the straw that broke the camel’s back after many years of being second best to a part-time dad.

Also those who are suggesting he gives a speech instead - obviously Miss MeMeMe won’t like that either and will be “devastated”. If he gives in to this then I bet you anything he won’t even attend the wedding because she will know that her threats work. He should have calmly shut it down and said “that is ridiculous and it’s a shame that you are prepared to take this drastic action over this but it’s your choice”. And then let her choose. Not given into it. There will be more ultimatums down the line - guaranteed. She sounds very bitter.

How about you walk her down the aisle, but when the vicar/registrar asks who brings your daughter to be married you both stand with her and say “we do”?

My dad walked me down the aisle, we met my mom at the altar and they both gave me away. My preference

But what other thing is their man not allowed to do from here ? Will the ops grandchildren be able to call him grandad as a example or only her children , or will he from now on be conditioned by a spoiled adult brat ?

If your husband's ex pulled a gun on him and threatened to shoot him unless he said he always loved her most, would your reaction be to pull your own gun and threaten to shoot him if he did say it?
That's pretty much what you are doing here. Not attempting to help him find a way out of it, just making it a situation where he can't possibly win.

Lol as if the DD will accept that. And I’m pretty sure a registrar doesn’t ask this (it’s incredibly archaic for a vicar to ask it too).

And will just be the start of it . The step daughters kids will never be able to be grandchildren either I bet . I can’t grasp this sort of crap from a adult woman

Because those are the circumstances. If he chooses to walk his stepdaughter down the aisle, he loses his daughter. He doesn’t get to have both, regardless of whether you think he should be able to.

Why isn’t the stepdaughter performing happy families like you think she should in an ideal world? Because this is the world that is, not the world that ‘should’ be.

He isn’t the father of OP’s DD, biologically or legally. He has chosen his daughter. He’s adamantly told OP that he won’t be walking her daughter down the aisle.