Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

Yes, I can see that too. It's a difficult position for both girls, and DH is the cause. He seems to have managed a way to fail them both. I can imagine the DSDs version of, for example, her decision not to do overnights with her father looks very different to OPs.

I agree @StClabberts & @LunaMay - the only person in the wrong here is the DH / Dad/Stepdad. Sounds like he’s failed everyone involved.

I really don’t think these two points are related.

I think you’re the one who needs to “come the fuck on”, dear. I didn’t say there wouldn’t be gossip. I said that most people would have the basic common sense not to actually ask.

And also if OP did do this it would look like shes the one who didnt want her DH walking the bride down the aisle. Whats suggested in this quoted post is not an outright lie but it is covering up for the stepdaughter

I watched my dad walk my step sister down the aisle. Very similar in that he was the only “dad” she had known. She is my father’s SD from his first marriage and was his SD long before i arrived. Sadly my dad passed away before I got to walk down the aisle. For a very brief moment after his death I did feel incredibly resentful to my SS. Her biological father is still alive to this day.

After the grief had passed, I was and still am incredibly proud of my lovely dad who stood up as a man and became a father to a child that wasn’t his, and continued to be after his marriage with SS mum ended. It sounds as though your SD needs to grow up.

You’re assuming that the wedding guests would think it was something worth passing comment on, or take issue with his reason for not doing so. Some may, sure, but I can’t imagine it being a big deal for anyone not directly involved.

Even if it is, the judgement of strangers (it doesn’t sound as if the two share social circles) isn’t something that the DD is automatically going to care about.

Its the hypocrisy i cant stand On this thread its "hes not legally or biologically her father"
Yet in the next breath a stepmum is told "well you knew he had kids when you got with him"

Funny how "the kid isnt legally or biologically mine" doesnt fly when a stepmum posts on the step parents board.

It’s only hypocrisy if it’s the same people saying both things.

I don’t think stepmothers have to assume responsibility for, or act as parents to, their stepchildren either, and have said exactly that on many a thread.

@InterIgnis She IS being a big baby. It's not like him walking his stepdaughter down the aisle takes anything away from her. She sounds immature and entitled. He could walk both down, it makes no difference whatsoever. It doesn't prevent her from having her "special moment" with her dad at all.

Given that the OP is now walking her daughter down the aisle, I honestly think most people would just think “Awwh, that’s nice - she’s asked her mum” rather than jumping to a family fallout.

Well no, he can’t. That option isn’t on the table in this situation.

I personally don’t think it’s entitled to want her father to save special father-daughter moments for her as his only daughter. She made a good point when she said that he would have a problem with her considering her stepfather to be her father and having those moments with him, so why would she be expected to be okay with this?

You can dismiss her as a big baby as much as you like, her father however isn’t going to. She’s his daughter - her feelings matter to him, as does his relationship with her. She isn’t obliged to feel and act in the way OP and others think she ‘should’, and nor is she going to.

I think your husband’s daughter’s feelings are valid and it’s understandable that he prioritised his own daughter’s feelings over your own.

She said it was putting my daughter on the same level as her. I am devastated by that comment.

Why are you so devastated by this? Surely it’s natural? Do you put your DD and your SD on the same level? Clearly not because you are prioritising your own DD’s feelings over your SD’s.

Why is it ok for you to prioritise your own flesh and blood but not ok for your SD to want her DF to do the same?

I have a stepdad who moved in with us and had a daughter a similar age to me. It has never occurred to me that I would be as important to him as his own daughter. He loves me, I’m sure, but not in the same way he loves her obviously. And I would expect him to put her feelings above mine. I’d have quite a low opinion of him if he didn’t.

I think everyone is being unfair to your husband here. Ask your daughter if you can walk her. Yes his daughter is being insane but it’s not fair to make him lose her. You and your daughter can be the bigger people and make his life easier and happier.

I actually think it makes more sense for her mum walking her down the aisle than her stepdad, I don't think anyone would think anything of it

What kind of people do you associate with? Seriously, elevate your company. OP is her mother. It's totally appropriate that she accompanies her daughter down the aisle.

You just know that when babies start to arrive the step daughter will be demanding that her father isn’t called grandad

You're rightfully thinking of your daughter's feelings over your SD and your husband is rightfully doing the same for his daughter. Your SD has the right to feel how she feels.
It's obvious the blending of families was not successful and I feel you're being very hard on your SD.

Your step daughter sounds very immature and selfish. She needs to get a grip and realise the world doesn’t revolve around her.

While her current request comes across as unreasonable, it seems to be rooted in not being prioritized by DH while she was growing up. Her request is selfish, but it seems like she has been feeling replaced by OP’s DD and this is her way of drawing a line in the sand for her dad. Him serving as father of the bride to another girl seems to be the final straw for her.

DH and OP should have fixed things when DH’s children refused to stay at his home after he married OP. Instead of fixing the relationship with his own children and continuing to put their needs first, he put more focus on building a new family with OP and her DD. As one of only two consenting adults in the formation of the relationship, OP should have pushed her DH to fix things with his kids. The selfishness of the adults has led to DH’s DD making a selfish request and OP’s DD having her feelings hurt.

All of our takes on this situation are clouded by our own life experiences. It can be difficult for people who grew up in families where all of their needs were met to understand the hurt of watching your parents put another person’s child ahead of them to the point where they feel replaced by the other child. DH’s DD’s feelings seem unreasonable because they can’t fathom feeling replaced by their parents.

Unfortunately, I can relate to DH’s DD. Both of my parents were focused on making sure they considered my step siblings equal to their own children. My step parents made sure their children came first. I grew up as an outsider in my family. One parent ended up divorced again, realized their mistake and put in the work to rebuild a relationship with me. I have tried to work it out with my other parent, but they refuse to change. They admit that it’s wrong for me to be treated as less than my step siblings but refuse to do anything to change this. As a result, I’ve distanced myself and by extension my children from them. I didn’t give an ultimatum like DH’s DD. I just backed away from the relationship and let them have their “new” family without me.

This isn't the same because your step sister was older than you, and presumably you lived with him growing up, so she didn't replace you in any way.

OPs stepchildren only saw their dad once a week for a meal out, and had to watch him raise another girl. That's horrible for a child.

What sort of losers would care enough to notice this, let alone gossip about it 🤨 If there are any thoughts, it will be how lovely that her mother walked her down the aisle, I'm surprised this wasn't DDs first option

Exactly this, he was a great step dad, but doesn't sound like he was a very good father. At least for once it sounds likes he's put his biological daughter first. OPs so upset that he's not treating her daughter as an equal, yet she's never treated his daughter as equal, not even close. It's sad how many people have no empathy towards the stepdaughter and can't see why she might feel selfish, hurt and bitter

I think its lovely too, But im merely pointing out that the rest of the world doesnt think the same way that MN feminists do Im simply being realistic