Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

There is no need to lie, if anyone asks they just need to be reminded that OP's husband is not the bride's father either biologically or legally

This is what I think. I can see why the step daughter has such bitter feelings. At the end of the day, he has prioritised his daughter, just as OP has prioritised hers. I feel very sorry for him being caught in the middle and just trying to do the right thing. The person who should be getting the heat is the shitty biological father!! Also, your daughter is being equally, if not making things more complicated by wanting to be walked down the aisle by a man (yet you don't want anyone to comment about that). You are very biased in your views OP, yet you expect your DH to also have your biased views and let's face it put your daughter above his own. That's very clear from all of your posts

I also think you owe your DH a huge apology the way you have treated him and tried to force him to pick sides

I forgot about the ‘BTEC Betty’ jibes.

That shitty nickname showed the stepdaughter’s attitude toward OP’s daughter back when they were teenagers, and her recent demands just highlight the fact she has put zero work into growth or self-reflection since then.

Jealousy and disappointment are natural emotions we all feel at points in our lives, but there are ways of working through them without causing pain to others. SD’s (documented) longstanding negativity toward OP’s DD makes me wonder if she has done it this way because it will hurt her. She gets what she wants in terms of her dad’s involvement in the wedding, and throwing a grenade into the DD’s wedding is just a bonus.

Wow your SD is beyond awful, she knows your DD doesn’t have a DF to speak of and she’s willing to pull the emotional manipulation to stop her DF walking your DD down the aisle. Let’s hope she never ends up in a blended family and has to deal with this herself.

im also a bit dissapointed in your DH, I don’t mean you have to make him choose but he’s also pandering to her emotional manipulation, and tbh if she cut contact with him due ti him walking your DF down the aisle, that’s more on her than him.

Ss for inviting them to the wedding, fuck them, I’m petty so would rescind any invite and not want them there!

Why would anyone be so crass as to ask?

Agree, it looks like DH is really the source of the problem here. It's like the (un)sweet spot of deadbeat. His parenting of his own DD, including his decision to live day to day with another child, damaged their relationship and created what is evidently a great deal of hurt and resentment. Meanwhile, his actions prove that he doesn't actually regard himself as to all intents and purposes OPs DDs dad, because when actually placed in an uncomfortable position he's chosen to prioritise his own daughter. Several decades too late, by the sounds of it.

None of which is to say the behaviour of various other parties hasn't been objectionable at times either. Btec Betty etc. But this particular situation has been created by DHs behaviour, and he's managed to lump a load of responsibility for it on OP.

100% with you op.. your sd is a nasty piece of work. No one is ‘taking her dad away’ from her, yet I’d expect an adult of her age to show basic empathy to someone who doesn’t have a biological dad. Punishing her dad for doing something lovely.. vile.

None of which is to say the behaviour of various other parties hasn't been objectionable at times either.

The saddest thing is that the one person who has done absolutely nothing wrong here - the bride - is the one who gets the rawest deal.

Demanding SD has got what she wants. Dad who refused to even make the case for the bride and drama queen OP who threatened divorce will face difficult times over this, but ultimately they’ll get over it (if they have any sense). It’s OP’s daughter who has the shadow hanging over her wedding when all she’s done is ask someone she thinks of as a dad to give her away.

She’s been honest with him and told him how she feels, and as a result he’s chosen not to hurt his daughter and do something that will break their relationship. He’s not willing to shrug it off with an ‘oh well, that’s on her’ for the sake of ‘pandering’ to his wife stepdaughter (very easy to say when you’re not actually having to face that).

OP’s DD not having a father is not his DD’s fault, and isn’t something she has to put her own feelings aside for.

He said it was difficult as she didn’t have a father. Stepdaughter asked how he would have felt if her stepfather was alive and she had asked him instead of my husband. She said it was putting my daughter on the same level as her. I am devastated by that comment.

Your SD sounds like a chump, that's not even remotely the same situation.

I also think she is being a big baby.

And that your DH should have told her that.

Yes, I feel very sorry for DD.

Your poor DD. Your SD is a total cow and I hope she is uninvited.

I don't know, i kind of think it was insensitive for the SD to just assume everyone would be alright with this. I've been the DD in this and completely understand the feeling, i loved my Step sister but man it was hard having to share my dad when i only saw him every other weekend and she was there full time and i got no time with my dad because step mother wanted us treated 'the same;.

This is one of the few things that is supposed to be special between a father and daughter and him walking her down the aisle before me would have caused a huge divide 100%

I agree. It's total disregard for SD feelings. OPs DD has actually been the one who got to have the father full time and now she's the victim in all of this. Perhaps if she had asked SD first this wouldn't have all blown up.

That might work in MN "we all hate second families land" but in RL i seriously doubt it

How could the OPs DD control what happened when she was a child. I had a friend at school who was in care and whenever i had the usual teenage row with my parents ( mostly DM) i got a lecture about how lucky i was as if i could control where i was growing up and what circumstances i was growing up in. You have just done exactly the same. Blamed the OPs DD for something she couldnt control when she was a child. Its not good optics and not the gotcha you think it is.

If you want to give the "shitty biological father" heat you will need a ouija board!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But also, surely no one in real life walks up to a bride and, instead of saying “Congratulations! You look lovely”, says “So Sarah - I noticed Bob didn’t give you away! What’s THAT all about, hmm?”

Why would anyone be so crass as to ruin someone elses wedding

Oh come the fuck on. There will highly likely be gossip around the tables at the reception. Im just saying it could get uncomfortable

It’s very sad, but I’m glad you have been able to communicate in a way that has enabled your daughter to reach a decision. I think in the long run she will be very pleased to have had her Mum walk her down the aisle. Your poor husband. I think the suitable reply to his daughter was that if he was dead then he’d be very happy for her stepfather to walk her down the aisle and the thing he’d want most would be for her to have a wonderful day.

What a selfish controlling step daughter you have. Your husband has brought your daughter up as a daughter for most of her life, he is her dad and of course she would want him to walk her down the aisle. Your husband needs to man up and nip this in the bud - what demands will be made next.

Id forgotten about the Btec Betty comments Fucking vile

Of course it’s analogous. He wouldn’t like her to consider another man her father, and she doesn’t like him considering OP’s daughter to be his. It doesn’t matter if others would be fine with it, him sharing what is considered by a lot of people to be a special father-daughter moment with someone that isn’t his daughter would be hurtful to her.

He could have told her she was being a big baby, but clearly he has more regard for her feelings, and their relationship, than that