Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

As opposed to bowing down to what OP wants? At what point does he get credited for having his own mind?

It’s not OP’s wedding. It’s up to her daughter to decide if she wants to disinvite them or not, not OP.

Is he going to do a speech, or is that vetoed too ?

Honestly. Is the daughter getting married, what if she doesn't ?

Your H could tell her, that it's too late to play the rejected daughter, when she hasn't wanted to stay at your house over the years.
The failure of his marriage to her mother, was not Your or your daughter's fault.

In fact, he can tell dd he thinks its best to walk no-one does the aisle, that way the hurt, selfishness & pain she has meted out, can bounce back into her lap.

Same. Poor OP and her daughter. But I can't bring myself to see stepdaughter in a negative light. She clearly feels replaced and I'm sure this is a reflection of all of that.

@Anxioustealady I suspect this is the crux of it

You can't make a child feel unwelcome and then use them not staying at your house as an excuse to treat them badly later

This is so blown out of proportion. Why don't you walk your daughter down the aisle, that makes more sense and is nicer anyway. Problem solved.

There's lots of jealously involved in siblings and step siblings by rhe osunds of it. Rooted from when they were kids.

Their step sister got their bio dad full time basically like a replacement dad (in their eyes) while they not only had to share him with step sister but they only had him part of the time too. I'm guessing this is the root and then their dad acting as father of the bride brings back all the childhood jealously.

They don't hate your dd or you - there's just lots of complicated emotions from being kids of separate parents and having to share a parent.

I don't think anyone would want their dad to be father of the bride to a step sibling first before them

This is awful, I feel for OP and her daughter. DH has backtracked on walking his DSD down the aisle a few months before her wedding, just awful.
His daughter clearly had her own feelings about this but it was not her decision to make or interfere with as it was already decided.
My father walked my cousin down the aisle in the absence of her own father, she asked him and he was honored to do it ,and I was proud that he stepped up on her special day.
This is awful jealous behavior from DH's daughter.

It would not be bowing down it would be logic ! Walking someone to the isle doest take away from his daughter future wedding , if she ever has one . One is common sense the other is feed by being mean and evil

Same as me , dad walked my cousin down the aisle before he walked me , and I felt nothing but pride and happiness .
His daughter behaviour is not normal and it should not be bowed down too . The person I pity here is the op daughter , who thought she had a dada and clearly all those years were a lie .

Ah, so he’s only choosing for himself if he does what OP wants. That’s convenient.

OP’s husband was made aware of how his daughter felt, and as a result decided that he wasn’t going to act as father of the bride to his stepdaughter. There was no outcome that would result in everyone being happy, and he chose of his own free will to prioritize his child. He could have chosen differently.

Sharing this experience with her father as his only daughter is clearly deeply meaningful for her, whether you think it should be or not. It’s about her relationship with her father, and while it may result in OP’s daughter being hurt, that does not mean it’s motivated by spite or malice towards her.

Which all depends on whether or not the SD is planning to get married. The SDs OH has got some say in that

Sure, but even if her father doesn’t ever get to fulfill that role for her, she’s not okay with him doing it for someone else. The point is that she’s his daughter, OP’s DD isn’t.

That doesn’t mean he should banning his daughter from someone else’s wedding. His stepdaughter is an adult. If she’s old enough to be getting married, she’s old enough to say to her stepsister “If you don’t want your dad giving me away at my wedding, I don’t want you there”. Why does her stepdad need to intervene?

If the BRIDE - the only innocent person in all of this - doesn’t want the stepsister there, of course she shouldn’t have her there. But that’s HER choice. A grown woman does not need her parents to intervene.

Well yes Where did i say that they should

Did you even read my post before responding to it?

I wouldn’t give them the chance to make that decision, uninvited the selfish twats right now and send the message your H has failed to deliver. They are obnoxious, petty and selfish to do this to your daughter.

Its really pathetic of the whole family to do this, your H is the only dad your father has ever known and it doesn’t diminish you step kids’ relationship with their father if he also walks your daughter, but they have chosen to be petty and deprive her for no reason. That coupled with the BTEC betty shows they think you daughter is “less than” so fuck ‘em frankly, they don’t deserve you.

I’d be seriously unimpressed with H too that he didn’t have the balls to stand up to his kids. I think you had it right in your first post @WickedMotherofthebride.

If not “motivated by spite and malice” at the very least selfish, thoughtless and pathetic. Sometimes we all feel unreasonable and uncharitably, it hopefully we’re decent enough people to recognise and call ourselves out before we hurt other innocent people for no good reason.

All I will say is your step daughter really is a petty silly little girl. If she was my daughter kicking off about my ex walking a child he’d practically raised down the aisle I’d be thoroughly ashamed.

Karma has such a funny way of biting you in the arse. I would put money on that man never walking the precious little china doll down the aisle.

I didn't use the word vile and I have no idea why you feel the need to go in to bat for some random stranger whom all we know of is immaturity and spitefulness.

If your argument is that we don't know the whole story then you're basically saying Mumsnet is pointless because we literally only get one person's account to comment on here!

Sounds like a you problem.

You can consider it as unreasonable as you like, she’s expressed how she feels and her father has chosen to prioritize her by not doing something that hurts her.

Your stepdaughter is massively out of order and I’m astonished your DH is pandering to her. I’m so sorry.

Well the OP doesn't seem to think of his daughter as 'hers' or show any understanding towards her feelings. Why is it only good for one?

So I’m ‘batting’ for some random stranger, but apparently you ‘know’ that she is immature and spiteful. Okay…..