Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

He took her dd on as a daughter too, she should be considered the same. Not above, just the same. Biology isn’t everything. If he had more bio children she would have had to learn to share him and not be ‘above’ them so I don’t see the difference.
Im not one who thinks step parents have to take on children as their own btw, but you can’t pretend to do so all their life and then deny them at the first hurdle.
I understand the step daughter might have feelings about it, but he needs to be assuring her he loves them both not giving in to it. And she’s an adult who needs to deal with her feelings and not give those ultimatums.
Either way the op’s husband has told his step daughter she’s not his daughter and not as important to him now so it’s done. I doubt their relationship will recover. Personally I would detach from them all.
And she will do it again when it comes to children.

I don’t think the stepdaughter would particularly care tbh, and OP cannot insist her husband does something he’s very clearly told her that he won’t.

All she can do, if she’s this deeply upset about it, is leave the marriage.

There are a lot of assumptions being made on this thread but the nuances are clearly complex. From OP's account, the only discernible context is that relationships within this family are fractured and precarious. The first family may already have felt distanced and SD's father could have known that failure to capitulate to his DD's wishes would have spelled the end of the relationship. Or he may have reasoned, depending on the depth and trust within his relationships on both sides, that discord with OP/DD might be more easily healed than with his own daughter, but in doing so has taken the risk that his second family later find they are unable to look past this. In your shoes, OP, I'd want to unpick this fully if your relationship is to have a chance of surviving.

I can understand why you now feel you don't want the DSCs at the wedding acting as 'chaperones' overseeing whether your DH behaves as they wish. Your minds will likely be diverted by the concern that they will invariably find fault with their father's level of engagement, and the family schism he's looking to avoid will then happen regardless. To actively uninvite them, though, would likely achieve the same effect and be tantamount to pouring petrol on an already volatile bonfire. That you've been manipulated into this position is unfair and inexcusable.

To my mind, the question of who walks with the bride into her wedding venue is very much 'small stuff', and should be treated as such (mum performing this role is wonderful), but this issue is obviously a symptom of some far more painful, deep-rooted problems. Without further insight it's impossible to know what drove DH's decision, but if this can't be honestly and openly talked about it doesn't seem to bode well for the future.

If people ask or make any comments at the wedding about you giving her away and ask why your DH isnt doing it are he and his daughter expecting you and your daughter to lie for them?

Give her away yourself.

Except he didn’t. He’s neither legally nor biologically her father, even if he took on a parental role due to his relationship with her mother.

He isn’t her father, and he doesn’t see her as equal to his actual children. This was apparent when she took on and later dropped his name when his children, and his parents, objected to her doing so.

Wow @WickedMotherofthebride your stepdaughter is a spiteful and manipulative little bitch!

Seriously OP you and your daughter would be utter mugs to still allow both your stepchildren to attend your daughters wedding! Why would you give them especially your SD a front row seat to sit there gloating that she got her way and put a damper on the day?!?! Make your DH tell his children they aren't invited and should they cause a problem remind them they have now freed you of any obligations to them since they don't class you as family if they can be so bloody nasty.

I can tell you now OP that this won't be the first time your SD pulls a stunt like this now she knows it get results she will keep doing the emotional blackmail, your DH has made a rod for his own back.

It's not the same as having another sibling. He's left the family home where his daughter lived, to go raise some other woman's child and he barely saw his actual children. That's not something that happens with siblings.

You also don't have the insecurity in the relationship that you do when you've been left.

And did he ever agree to take her on as his own? Or did he just marry OP and that's what she wanted?

Your step daughter is a twat.

I admit to not having read everything - a lot going on here. Yes, blended families are hard and I don’t think you losing your shit has helped. But honestly, accepting what is essentially blackmail and not walking your daughter down the line is poor form. Grow a strong pair, explain that you will be honouring your commitment to walk your step daughter down the aisle and deal with the fall out. Don’t accept your adult child and former partner blackmail you.

I simply cannot understand a grown woman behaving like this towards another woman who has simply asked the man they both love, to walk her down the aisle.

Your SD isn't a nice person, she is spiteful and manipulative. I would absolutely uninvite her and the brother. They won't be attending with good energy or intentions so the very least they can do now, is stay the fuck away from your DD's wedding.

I think your H is a weak ineffectual coward. I wouldn't be able to look at him, let alone stay married to him.

There are a few posters really bending themselves out of shape on here, defending the step daughter. Odd, because what she has done is malicious and cruel, designed to put OP's daughter back in her place.

I wouldn't want to be around these people again.

100% the DH would expect OP to lie or think up a lie himself. Personally I'd be univiting the stepchildren no way should they especially the SD get to sit there gloating and enjoying a front row seat to see what she's done.

Uninviting his children may very well mean that he doesn’t go either. Which is fine if she doesn’t want him there obviously, but if she does then it would be an issue.

They may have no intention to attend anyway.

It really isn’t ‘ridiculous’. You have a minuscule snapshot on someone’s life based on a one sided story. Neither of us know near enough to qualify labelling a stranger ‘vile’. I told a story from my life experience/perspective. You had a different experience. What experience his daughter had, we’ve no idea. Of course OP is going to paint this picture of how the family blended well, and everyone got on fabulously with each other growing up - and that’s how OP perceived it; doesn’t make it true though….

OP, imo you need to walk away from this awful family. They have zero respect for your daughter, they have never had respect for your daughter.

What’s going to happen when she starts having children? Is your stepdaughter going to kick off and cry down her legs if your DH gets called grandad?

Walk away.

Your SD is a spoilt little bitch.

I was your DD in a similar scenario though my (S)dad wasn’t given an ultimatum, my ss did have a strop about something he said in his father of the bride speech (not sure what) and didn’t talk to him again. Her loss, not his. Yes he was upset but he died before they could ever reconcile. That was on her not him.

I do know that if he had have been given an ultimatum, he would have still walked me down the aisle and given exactly the same speech.

If your dh gives in to sd on this, what will be the next demand?

I do feel for you dh, he’s been out in a terrible position, but did he give in to all her toddler demands? She may be hurt and upset, but tough shit. He can still walk her down the aisle and give a great speech at her wedding if she ever gets married.

I’d be able to forgive your Dh (eventually) but I’d never forgive your sd. From your opening post she sounded like a teenager, not a grown woman who should know better.

It’s not ‘ridiculous’, and based on a minuscule snap shot of someone’s life, doesn’t justify you describing a stranger as ‘vile’. I’ve given my life experience, you’ve give yours which is different, and neither of us know what experience growing up that the stepdaughter has had. OP has given us her version of a happy blended family, with no issues when they were growing up - that’s how OP might have perceived it, but it doesn’t make it true. Her husband should always put his daughter first above any none blood relative. Should the marriage with OP break down, it’s pretty likely he won’t have any relationship with OPs daughter at all. Yet his daughter will always be part of his life.

Nobody in this story comes across as being reasonable.

It’s horrible for you, I couldn’t come back from this.
Jealous, selfish, 33 year old baby

Ask them not to come . In fact tell your husband , he owes your daughter as much so he can uninvite them .

For heaven’s sake, why? The OP’s daughter is a grown woman - if she no longer wants her stepsister there, SHE can tell her. Why would OP make a difficult situation worse by trying to force her husband to make an unnecessary intervention?

Ridiculous. Are you always this much of a bloody drama queen?

Op , can I give you an advice? Make sure you have a will and your husband clearly just bends down for his bio children and if you pass away first your child will be left with nothing if it comes to his choice . I honestly can’t grasp how anyone is defending your step daughter , as she is just spiteful . Take care of your child first , he clearly is doing simply that without caring about your daughter so at least do the same

Your poor dd, what a mean thing for step daughter it say and do. It’s absolutely not like she is choosing a step father over her dad because a- her dad is alive and b - she has a relationship with him. Neither of these apply to your dd! So it’s not the same at all. How unkind.

Because he is choosing to bow down to his silly spiteful adult daughter and cares nil about how heartbroken the op daughters is . That’s why !

There are people on this thread who have posted that OPs daughter and her stepdad arent family so it doesnt matter if he doesnt give her away.
Yet next min its a different tune gets hummed when its suggested that the SD doesnt come to the wedding. You cant have it both ways