Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

At least it's been concluded now @WickedMotherofthebride. I can see both sides, but it's not worth falling out with your husband over.

Christ, his DD really is a bitch, isn't she?

Self absorbed little arsehole with zero empathy, a will to manipulate and a desire to 'win' at all costs.

He must be so proud.

If I were him, I'd be letting her know how disappointingly childish her attitude is.

DD sounds vile. She shouldn't get to dictate your husband's relationship with his stepdaughter.

1. Your DH needs to tell his daughter that her blowing out someone else’s candle doesn’t make hers shine any brighter. He also needs to grow a backbone.
2. Your DD is not obligated to invite your DH’s daughter to her wedding. I wouldn’t.

Your stepdaughter is being very childish but
i suspect it’s all wrapped up in jealousy. What’s going to happen of your daughter has children? Will they not be allowed to call your husband grandad?

I am sorry for your daughter but I think I would never feel the same about my husband ever again for his weakness in giving into his daughter's emotional blackmail. And I'd certainly be rescinding the invitations to the poisonous step children. Heavens, I'd probably tell my husband that since he isn't making the father of the bride speech or giving your daughter away there is not much point in attending.

Please make it your husband's job to tell his self-centred and childish daughter that she is not invited to the wedding.

This all sounds very dramatic with you being devastated over the daughter expressing a totally natural and valid feeling and all the tears and emotion.

There’s really no need for this to be such a big deal. Perspective is a wonderful thing.

Oh come on…unless you’ve been in this situation yourself, you’ve no idea what the step daughter is feeling. Maybe she’s always felt low in the pecking order if she didn’t live with her dad full time when younger, unlike OPs dd who probably had him constantly in her life. Having been sidelined by my own father when I was young, whilst he was raising his new wife’s children, I can tell you it leaves deep scars. He was a good father when I was with him every other weekend, but it was difficult to get used to the fact that someone else’s children were in his life more than I was.

Would he also be weak if he gave into OP’s?

He’s not without agency here. Having been made aware of how his daughter felt, and knowing that there was no outcome here that would make everyone happy, he made the choice to prioritize the feelings of his child over the feelings of OP and her child. If he lacked backbone he would arguably have made the decision that meant an easier home life.

Literally none of that excuses her self-absorbed demands.

And yes, I have divorced parents and Dad has exes/a current partner with kids. I didn't see him much for years. That doesn't mean I get to act like a self-important arse.

The idea of me being this manipulative or claiming some kind of 'ownership' of him in this way is so alien to me that I can only assume his DD is either incredibly immature or has been over indulged her entire life.

As a previous poster stated - someone else's light shining does not dim hers.

She's playing games and it's genuinely ridiculous.

It would be a real shame if his DD found this tread.

Sarcasm, obviously.

For me it’s the fact that she’s waited until weeks before the wedding before her mum/brother or she has said anything. She should have been told, I’m sorry you feel this way but it isn’t fair to ruin someone’s wedding now.
If it was me she’d no longer be invited.

And fucking controlling

"She said it was putting my daughter on the same level as her. I am devastated by that comment."

Sounds like this is the source of the problem. You think your daughter should be on the same level as his, and she (and your husband sorry) disagrees.

Perhaps if you had respected that they're his children and should be his priority, instead of putting yours on the same level or above them (they barely saw him but he lived with your daighter full time), this whole situation might have been avoided. She's obviously felt upset about this for years and this is the result of that.

In the OP it was 18 weeks, so it's still nearly 4 months away, not exactly "weeks away"

this is the mental gymnastics you usually see on the step parents board

I'm not a step parent, or a bitter first wife, in case that's your next comment

Some people spend years planning their wedding, I don’t know how long ago ops daughter got engaged but I’m guessing the daughter has had a lot longer than 18 weeks to say something.

your poor DD @WickedMotherofthebride My exH is married and has an adult SD, he has been in her life since she was 8, she calls him "dad". If any of my DD's behaved like your SD is behaving I would be very disappointed in them.

Having negative feelings and acknowledging them to yourself, is one thing, acting on them in such a cruel way is out of order.

What an absolute bitch! If I were your DD OP, I would take great pleasure in sending her a letter saying that as she doesn't want to share her Dad, then she's not welcome to come to the wedding, and that goes for her brother too!

In your shoes OP, I would still be VERY angry with your DH, for not telling her that she's acting like a spoilt brat, and that regardless of her blackmail, as that's what it is, he WILL be walking her SS down the aisle. In fact, in your shoes, I don't think I could forgive him for this.

I do think this is a good point. I wonder how deeply this goes and how much resentment there has been over the years.

It’s a horrible situation and I really feel for the OP’s daughter but do feel sorry for his daughter too.

The culprit here seems to be the father who just isn’t managing this.

Was he really a good dad to his own kids? Do they have reason to feel resentful. Children of ‘first’ families often do.

I really feel for your DD OP, although I understand that it is difficult for SD I just think it’s horrible that she is putting your husband in a position where he has to choose.

I think I would be insisting if he can’t walk your daughter down the aisle, then you don’t want him walking his down hers either

Looks like we have the step-daughter posting. 😂
do you often minimise peoples feelings? Perspective is a wonderful thing, holy moly. 🤪