Page 22 | Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

WickedMotherofthebride · 2025-04-29T13:00:20+00:00

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after. For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen. Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son. I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was. My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad. At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died. She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad. Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells. My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't. The wedding is in 18 weeks.

InWalksBarberalla · 30/04/2025 08:35

Bellyblueboy · 30/04/2025 07:39

I am so sorry that happened. And it is frustrating that it is such a common tale.

A second wife is often looking for a replacement dad for her children. And, as mumsnet has shown, replacement grandparents.

we do have a tenancy to blame the step
mum in these cases. But it’s the dad who lets his children down, the dad who takes the easy path to keep his wife happy; as the expense of his own children:

this fairy tale blended family where parents love all children equally, no child feels rejected or sidelined and extended family form a deep and instant bond rarely happens in real life. Lovely when it does but so many examples of children feeling left behind.

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Yes, I don't blame my step mother at all. She's quite nice just has unfortunate taste in weak spineless men. I have more contact with her than dad these days- she's the only reason I ever heard from him on my birthdays etc so we've given up on the effort of even pretending he cares!

IndigoViolent · 30/04/2025 08:56

Two highly contentious topics (weddings and stepfamilies) combined into one emotionally charged incident? Check. A bit of controlling behaviour (tracking phones) thrown in? Check. And most importantly, a one-post wonder OP? Check.

I think I can see where this is going. And actually, I hope it IS a wind-up. It’s pretty depressing to think someone would genuinely consider divorce over this. Imagine - you take on someone else’s child, even though it may be to the detriment of your own children, and knowing her pothead natural father could rear his head to cause trouble at any time… you raise that child for years and then boom - you are put in a horrendous dilemma and your partner, rather than recognising this and trying to support you, stamps her feet like a toddler and cries “divorce”.

This surely can’t be real.

StClabberts · 30/04/2025 09:02

IndigoViolent · 30/04/2025 08:56

Two highly contentious topics (weddings and stepfamilies) combined into one emotionally charged incident? Check. A bit of controlling behaviour (tracking phones) thrown in? Check. And most importantly, a one-post wonder OP? Check.

I think I can see where this is going. And actually, I hope it IS a wind-up. It’s pretty depressing to think someone would genuinely consider divorce over this. Imagine - you take on someone else’s child, even though it may be to the detriment of your own children, and knowing her pothead natural father could rear his head to cause trouble at any time… you raise that child for years and then boom - you are put in a horrendous dilemma and your partner, rather than recognising this and trying to support you, stamps her feet like a toddler and cries “divorce”.

This surely can’t be real.

One suspects not, but it's cleverly construed if fake.

I enjoy how OP has raised the possibility that he might be one of those who's only willing to parent kids whose mother he's in a sexual relationship with, but mixes it up with him evidently not seeing her DC as like his own when the ultimatum was given. Maximum reeling in!

the7Vabo · 30/04/2025 09:10

IndigoViolent · 30/04/2025 08:56

Two highly contentious topics (weddings and stepfamilies) combined into one emotionally charged incident? Check. A bit of controlling behaviour (tracking phones) thrown in? Check. And most importantly, a one-post wonder OP? Check.

I think I can see where this is going. And actually, I hope it IS a wind-up. It’s pretty depressing to think someone would genuinely consider divorce over this. Imagine - you take on someone else’s child, even though it may be to the detriment of your own children, and knowing her pothead natural father could rear his head to cause trouble at any time… you raise that child for years and then boom - you are put in a horrendous dilemma and your partner, rather than recognising this and trying to support you, stamps her feet like a toddler and cries “divorce”.

This surely can’t be real.

I noted the phone checking. I doubt my husband would allow me to track him.

Anxioustealady · 30/04/2025 09:11

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 30/04/2025 08:12

I presume this has come from step daughter and not ex wife.

My stepsister is a selfish bitch just like your SD.

My Stepdad didn't go to my SS wedding - his own daughter - because she didn't want me there with my children - it was in my parents garden! She changed the venue but then invited other family members with their children.

Get her round and find out why she is objecting to this, she is obviously an adult. She doesn't see your DD as family. Has she and your daughter been close, got on or is it a strained relationship?

But this is on your SD not on your husband. Although he should be calling the shots - not his daughter and ex wife.

Did you ever actually ask her why? If my stepsiblings didn't want me at their weddings, I genuinely would think "oh, I wonder what I did that makes them feel that way?" and I would let them have their wedding day how they wanted. We're not close so I wouldn't push the issue.

You won, your stepfather abandoned his daughter for once and for all, to please you (or most likely your mother) and yet you're still angry and calling her a bitch, not thinking how she felt on her wedding day at all.

InterIgnis · 30/04/2025 09:16

Hollyhedge · 30/04/2025 07:03

I grew up in a blended family and I’d be talking to the daughter. I mean DH. Why is she devastated and also giving in doesn’t help her.

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It could help her very much, and allow him the opportunity to rebuild a fractured relationship with her.

Not ‘giving in’ will cost him his relationship with her, potentially both his children if his son follows suit.

Lurker85 · 30/04/2025 09:38

How ridiculous and what a brat. You don’t own your parents. Would he not be allowed to walk full blood siblings down the aisle either?

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 30/04/2025 09:42

Anxioustealady · 30/04/2025 09:11

Did you ever actually ask her why? If my stepsiblings didn't want me at their weddings, I genuinely would think "oh, I wonder what I did that makes them feel that way?" and I would let them have their wedding day how they wanted. We're not close so I wouldn't push the issue.

You won, your stepfather abandoned his daughter for once and for all, to please you (or most likely your mother) and yet you're still angry and calling her a bitch, not thinking how she felt on her wedding day at all.

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It was only my children, she said no children then invited other children - we were close, we grew up together in the same household, 44 years, she used to babysit my children, and I hers, and she had no relationship with the children she did invite. She was 52 years old at the time.

She has always been like this and it was in the garden of parents house.

And about how my children felt - his grandchildren - thats what he was thinking, not about me

Original poster

WickedMotherofthebride · 30/04/2025 09:48

The very prosaic reason I didn’t return to the thread was I created an account on my work phone, using a suggested password which I couldn’t remember. I left my work phone charging on my desk. I was not the other woman, my stepchildren’s mother was already married with two children (she went on to have a third and is now widowed). The stepchildren were 10/11 and 13 when we married three years after we met.
We moved to a part of London to be near them in a neighbouring county. My husband maintained a close relationship with them. He would drive over two or three times a week to take them to eat and collect them from various things. They were always very polite and kind to my own daughter. While we all went on holiday they weren’t interested in staying over although my stepdaughter did more than my stepson.
They also went away on their own and my in-laws were only interested in seeing them on their own.
when my daughter was 16 she left school and went to an FE college and came back telling me she had used my surname i.e. my married name. This was not official but a year later my stepson saw a record book on the table. He asked my husband to step out to his car and he objected to my daughter using their name. He clearly told his grandfather who also objected. However, my daughter grew out of this phase which lasted for about 18 months.
My daughter does not know any of this. I don’t want to get into the political correctness of giving away, walking down the aisle but I am initially going to ask her if I can do it.
It is very interesting that so many posters say he has to talk to his daughter. He actually refuses to do this. He is fairly jumbled about what happened with his ex but I get the impression none of them actually knew he was going to give her away before this meeting. I believe what the ex says and it’s been confirmed by his son.
My stepdaughter is 33, she and her partner are still training and busy and I don’t think there is any jealousy about going to the alter.

OP posts:

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/04/2025 09:52

@WickedMotherofthebride If you tell your daughter that you would really like to have the honour of walking her down the aisle instead of her stepfather, do you think she would just go for it? Without you needing to go into the detail about why?

the7Vabo · 30/04/2025 09:53

WickedMotherofthebride · 30/04/2025 09:48

The very prosaic reason I didn’t return to the thread was I created an account on my work phone, using a suggested password which I couldn’t remember. I left my work phone charging on my desk. I was not the other woman, my stepchildren’s mother was already married with two children (she went on to have a third and is now widowed). The stepchildren were 10/11 and 13 when we married three years after we met.
We moved to a part of London to be near them in a neighbouring county. My husband maintained a close relationship with them. He would drive over two or three times a week to take them to eat and collect them from various things. They were always very polite and kind to my own daughter. While we all went on holiday they weren’t interested in staying over although my stepdaughter did more than my stepson.
They also went away on their own and my in-laws were only interested in seeing them on their own.
when my daughter was 16 she left school and went to an FE college and came back telling me she had used my surname i.e. my married name. This was not official but a year later my stepson saw a record book on the table. He asked my husband to step out to his car and he objected to my daughter using their name. He clearly told his grandfather who also objected. However, my daughter grew out of this phase which lasted for about 18 months.
My daughter does not know any of this. I don’t want to get into the political correctness of giving away, walking down the aisle but I am initially going to ask her if I can do it.
It is very interesting that so many posters say he has to talk to his daughter. He actually refuses to do this. He is fairly jumbled about what happened with his ex but I get the impression none of them actually knew he was going to give her away before this meeting. I believe what the ex says and it’s been confirmed by his son.
My stepdaughter is 33, she and her partner are still training and busy and I don’t think there is any jealousy about going to the alter.

If you were to write that out from your SD’s perspective OP how would it go?

Original poster

WickedMotherofthebride · 30/04/2025 10:00

There is absolutely nothing I would like more than hearing my stepdaughter’s perspective but my husband won’t ask her. I would also like to know why my paragraphs don’t work.

OP posts:

Enough4me · 30/04/2025 10:00

WickedMotherofthebride · 30/04/2025 09:48

The very prosaic reason I didn’t return to the thread was I created an account on my work phone, using a suggested password which I couldn’t remember. I left my work phone charging on my desk. I was not the other woman, my stepchildren’s mother was already married with two children (she went on to have a third and is now widowed). The stepchildren were 10/11 and 13 when we married three years after we met.
We moved to a part of London to be near them in a neighbouring county. My husband maintained a close relationship with them. He would drive over two or three times a week to take them to eat and collect them from various things. They were always very polite and kind to my own daughter. While we all went on holiday they weren’t interested in staying over although my stepdaughter did more than my stepson.
They also went away on their own and my in-laws were only interested in seeing them on their own.
when my daughter was 16 she left school and went to an FE college and came back telling me she had used my surname i.e. my married name. This was not official but a year later my stepson saw a record book on the table. He asked my husband to step out to his car and he objected to my daughter using their name. He clearly told his grandfather who also objected. However, my daughter grew out of this phase which lasted for about 18 months.
My daughter does not know any of this. I don’t want to get into the political correctness of giving away, walking down the aisle but I am initially going to ask her if I can do it.
It is very interesting that so many posters say he has to talk to his daughter. He actually refuses to do this. He is fairly jumbled about what happened with his ex but I get the impression none of them actually knew he was going to give her away before this meeting. I believe what the ex says and it’s been confirmed by his son.
My stepdaughter is 33, she and her partner are still training and busy and I don’t think there is any jealousy about going to the alter.

If it's not jealousy from SD than what is it? What other conditions can she put on him?

Original poster

WickedMotherofthebride · 30/04/2025 10:06

Once my father-in-law asked my daughter about her A Levels, she explained she was only doing one and then explained about her course. Husband’s nephew had a flash of recognition and called her Btec Betty BiL and SiL looked horrified and exactly a decade later admitted that is what my stepchildren had called her at the time.

OP posts:

the7Vabo · 30/04/2025 10:09

WickedMotherofthebride · 30/04/2025 10:00

There is absolutely nothing I would like more than hearing my stepdaughter’s perspective but my husband won’t ask her. I would also like to know why my paragraphs don’t work.

From a stranger’s perspective based on what you have written a few things strike me:

they weren’t interested in staying over. So they essentially didn’t live with their father at all.
the didn’t have a relationship with your daughter, they were polite
the way you have phrased my in-laws were only “ever interested” in seeing the two kids on “their own”
your daughter using the surname & the son’s big reaction to it together with his grandfather’s

It seems there’s a bit going on on here.

BlueMorpho · 30/04/2025 10:15

There's obviously an issue here with your SC feeling like they've had to massively share their dad. I can understand that. Your SD is probably devastated that your husband is going to walk his SD down the aisle first rather than his own daughter. It will feel to her that your daughter is taking that precious moment away from her and her dad. If your DH wants to put his DD's feelings first that's his perogative and a natural reaction of a parent. You have no right to issue ultimatums. Walk your DD down the aisle yourself, we're not in the dark ages.

the7Vabo · 30/04/2025 10:16

WickedMotherofthebride · 30/04/2025 10:06

Once my father-in-law asked my daughter about her A Levels, she explained she was only doing one and then explained about her course. Husband’s nephew had a flash of recognition and called her Btec Betty BiL and SiL looked horrified and exactly a decade later admitted that is what my stepchildren had called her at the time.

Curious why are you sharing that? Do you think it means something (beyond being unkind)?

InWalksBarberalla · 30/04/2025 10:17

My husband maintained a close relationship with them. He would drive over two or three times a week to take them to eat and collect them from various things.

Hardly sounds close. Did they stay over? From 10/11 and 13 - just dinner out? That really must have sucked for them.

Eenameenadeeka · 30/04/2025 10:17

WickedMotherofthebride · 30/04/2025 09:48

The very prosaic reason I didn’t return to the thread was I created an account on my work phone, using a suggested password which I couldn’t remember. I left my work phone charging on my desk. I was not the other woman, my stepchildren’s mother was already married with two children (she went on to have a third and is now widowed). The stepchildren were 10/11 and 13 when we married three years after we met.
We moved to a part of London to be near them in a neighbouring county. My husband maintained a close relationship with them. He would drive over two or three times a week to take them to eat and collect them from various things. They were always very polite and kind to my own daughter. While we all went on holiday they weren’t interested in staying over although my stepdaughter did more than my stepson.
They also went away on their own and my in-laws were only interested in seeing them on their own.
when my daughter was 16 she left school and went to an FE college and came back telling me she had used my surname i.e. my married name. This was not official but a year later my stepson saw a record book on the table. He asked my husband to step out to his car and he objected to my daughter using their name. He clearly told his grandfather who also objected. However, my daughter grew out of this phase which lasted for about 18 months.
My daughter does not know any of this. I don’t want to get into the political correctness of giving away, walking down the aisle but I am initially going to ask her if I can do it.
It is very interesting that so many posters say he has to talk to his daughter. He actually refuses to do this. He is fairly jumbled about what happened with his ex but I get the impression none of them actually knew he was going to give her away before this meeting. I believe what the ex says and it’s been confirmed by his son.
My stepdaughter is 33, she and her partner are still training and busy and I don’t think there is any jealousy about going to the alter.

This update is confusing
It is very interesting that so many posters say he has to talk to his daughter. He actually refuses to do this. He is fairly jumbled about what happened with his ex but I get the impression none of them actually knew he was going to give her away before this meeting. I believe what the ex says and it’s been confirmed by his son.
If none of them knew he was planning to walk with her, why did she call the meeting? And how did she know her daughter would be so mad she would never talk to her dad again? And why would your husband rather jump straight to letting down your daughter who he had a big hand in raising, rather than even entertaining the idea of a conversation with his own daughter as to why she's upset??

the7Vabo · 30/04/2025 10:23

InWalksBarberalla · 30/04/2025 10:17

My husband maintained a close relationship with them. He would drive over two or three times a week to take them to eat and collect them from various things.

Hardly sounds close. Did they stay over? From 10/11 and 13 - just dinner out? That really must have sucked for them.

I was torn on that, when I read that it I was thinking hmmm is that a “close relationship”?
He did see them often and a meal out is quality time, but what strikes me is they didn’t have time with him in a home environment. No slobbing on the couch watching a match with dad, deciding what’s for tea, staying up late watching a movie. All the normal BAU stuff we don’t even think about.

He saw his kids in his car and restaurants. And they were pretty young.

The son reacting to the name & now this with SD, it seems to me these kids are saying they ‘ve had enough

the7Vabo · 30/04/2025 10:34

Still thinking about that one, I’m trying to think being 12 or so, having done a full day of school and a hobby and your dad wants to take you out for pizza and you just want to go home & you need to do homework.

He wasn’t even a weekend dad, DD had him all week and all weekend & his kids got what, Pizza Express on a Wednesday?

Starlight7080 · 30/04/2025 10:44

He sounds like he wasn't even a part time dad. A few meals a week or a lift is not being a parent.

If he does nothing else for them then he should atleast respect his daughters wishes surrounding this problem.
If you look at it your daughter got to grow up with him they didn't. It really isn't fair

Enough4me · 30/04/2025 10:51

What did your DH say about the BTEC Betty comment?
Did he just ignore it and not care?

Lotsofthings · 30/04/2025 10:54

This all seems like a wedding nightmare. I assume they aren’t coming to the wedding.
I think the way to move forward and compromise, is to say the Husband isn’t now walking your daughter down the aisle. This doesn’t mean he can’t travel in the car with her, pose for photos and walk her into the church/venue. She could then walk with you or herself. Also I would not let the Husband discuss anything else, with his own daughter. Better to ask forgiveness than permission. Do not discuss speeches/toasts etc in case she bans these. If it helps stop telling him stuff so he can say he doesn’t know.

Lotsofthings · 30/04/2025 11:02

Oh and it’s definitely jealousy as the reason. At 33 she might actually want to get married, waiting for a proposal etc aan always thought she’d at least be the first that your husband would walk down the aisle.