Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

The MN first wives club hypocrites are so easy to spot.

I agree and this wouldn’t happen in my house , no matter how many people try to say it’s the norm, it’s not in my experience . Takes a lot for a child to see someone as their parent too , my now 9 year old started calling my husband dad at 4 , if people ask her if he is her real dad she replies , yes I picked him to be my dad , he could just be a stepdad but I choose him to be my dad when I didn’t have to . He is very proud of her perspective and very proud to be called her dad , as I said here before he is also step dad to his ex wife’s older son , he in in his 20s and to this day most of his friends don’t know they are not biologically connected because dad is my husband it has always been , despite him actually having a dad .
Everyone is focusing on the bio daughter here but nobody is actually realising how much it takes a child to trust someone to call them dad . I feel so bad for the OPs daughter , having her wedding ruined by someone who could easily still have her dad walk her down the aisle when she is ready but is to selfish

It is very much the norm for people to favor their own children over their stepchildren, as has happened in OP’s case. That doesn’t mean it’s always the way, but it’s unusual for it not to be.

The stepfather in this case HAS chosen his own daughter, so it’s fair to say that he does not consider them to be equal in his eyes, no matter how active a participant he may have been in raising OP’s daughter.

This 100%

It doesn't mean that at all. There's no indication he 'chose' SD because she's his biological daughter - it could very well have been simply because she's throwing the biggest tantrum and historically that's how she's gotten her own way. Any weak man can chose the path of least resistance, regardless of the relationship.

The assumption that he favours her for biological reasons is your own and not at all 'fair to say'.

Good grief.
I don’t care who it is - child, spouse, parent, sibling - somebody issues me an ultimatum, and that’s it.
It’s blackmail - no more, no less.
”If you don’t do ABC, I’ll never do DEF.”
You knock yourself out, honey - I’ll be right here.

Do the kids on all these countless MNs threads about step-parenting seem happy?

Their mothers certainly don't.

If that were the case you would reasonably expect her to have thrown tantrums to prevent her father from ever acting as a father to his stepdaughter in the first place.

She isn’t throwing a tantrum, making demands or issuing ultimatums. Her mother and brother spoke to her father, quite possibly without her knowledge. Tellingly, he didn’t go home to speak to OP, or even her daughter, about it before making a decision - he went home and adamantly told her what his decision was, likely knowing full well the impact that this would have on his marriage and his relationship with his stepdaughter (a weak man choosing the path of least resistance, would I imagine would not choose a course of action with the potential to blow up his day to day life).

So yes, based on this I do think it’s fair to say that he’s chosen his daughter over his stepdaughter, and that this strongly suggests that he does not consider them to be equally his daughters. You can of course disagree.

Has the relationship with your step daughter been good? Does she resent her father getting married and bringing up your dd?
I think as others have said you should give her away. Getting divorced because of this is very silly. You cant be in a good marriage if such an old fashioned tradition can break you up.
Also imagine how tainted your daughters marriage will be from the start. It will always be associated with your divorce.
That's a lot worse then him not walking her down the isle.
And you essentially blackmailing him into picking your daughter over his daughter is very cruel

I think your own guilt has taken over OP, because her biological father isn't going to do it

Hopefully the OP s failure to return to the thread is because the 2 families have spent the evening discussing this like adukts instead of flinging ultimatums around

It's quite easy for you to say as the step daughter with the closenfather figure in your step dad.
Does your step dad have biological children who he sidelined in favour of his new family?
Because it stings to see your father forming a super close relationship with a child he lives with whilst you get to see him every second weekend and sit on the side with all their in jokes etc. My dad is way, way closer to my step sister than hw is is to my sister and I. I don't really care and barely see him these days - my step sister moved a few hours flight away and her mum and my dad followed to stay nearby. But I do think it has impacted my sister quite badly who never really got over the rejection.

As someone whose bioparent sidelined them for their spouse's children, I think there may be more to the story than the OP has shared. Until the OP comes back and answers some questions, it is difficult to tell who is unreasonable here. It seems really extreme that she is ready to divorce her DH if he doesn't walk her DD down the aisle. Like many PP's have pointed out, they all need to have some rational conversations. Instead everyone seems to be having tantrums.

Did DH sideline his DD for OP and her DD?
What kind of relationship does his DD have with him, OP and her DD?
Is ex a troublemaker or is she standing up for her DD?
Are there other marital problems and this is just the final straw for OP?

This. It’s fantastic for a girl to have a close relationship with her step dad, unless it means his own children are sidelined.

And descanting a girl as “weird and possessive” in respect of her own father is isnt something id agree with.

@Crazyworldmum i never did get a response

which I suppose really… is a response in itself

of course you can deeply love a step child. Of course you can treat them the same in every day life. And of course that when push came to shove in an emergency… you’d save your biological child over step child

I grew up in a blended family and I’d be talking to the daughter. I mean DH. Why is she devastated and also giving in doesn’t help her.

Same with the 2nd wives happy to push out his children from his first marriage.

Lots of the people trying to see the daughters perspective were stepchildren themselves, not stepmothers.

I am so sorry that happened. And it is frustrating that it is such a common tale.

A second wife is often looking for a replacement dad for her children. And, as mumsnet has shown, replacement grandparents.

we do have a tenancy to blame the step
mum in these cases. But it’s the dad who lets his children down, the dad who takes the easy path to keep his wife happy; as the expense of his own children:

this fairy tale blended family where parents love all children equally, no child feels rejected or sidelined and extended family form a deep and instant bond rarely happens in real life. Lovely when it does but so many examples of children feeling left behind.

It depends on the relationship between your husband and his daughter, surely, as to whether the ultimatum is unreasonable. If she feels he’s been a crap or barely present dad to her while raising your daughter as his own, it’s reasonable that she is angry and hurt about that. If he’s been a great dad to her (and truly, in every way, not favoured your daughter at all) then she is completely unreasonable.

I mean, I guess framing it as an ultimatum is unreasonable. But the sentiment behind it might not be. It might be less a real ultimatum she expects him to follow, and more just the final proof she needs to justify cutting him off. Which is unreasonable but understandable in some scenarios.

Yeah he has two bio children and we’re all really close. We’ve had a lot of bereavement that’s given us quite a lot of determination to prioritise each other, and I totally get that’s not always the case. I also totally get that some dads are pretty shit, and it must be horrendous to watch your dad play happy families with someone else! My reading of the OP though was that wasn’t the case here.

OP’s one and only only post was focused on her daughter - what happened with her daughter’s father and how her husband stepped in to fill the void.

there is no information about his relationship with his daughter. No indication if he had 50-50 custody, saw her every other week or indeed once a year. We have no idea if he showed up at school events, hobbies, met her friends growing up. Whether he was there when she was sick or helped with homework.

This is a step mother understandably forcing on her own child. Even if she comes back and clarifies it will not reflect how her step daughter felt - just how she saw it and how she wanted everybody to feel.

Curious what did you read in the OP’s post? There s not much detail

I presume this has come from step daughter and not ex wife.

My stepsister is a selfish bitch just like your SD.

My Stepdad didn't go to my SS wedding - his own daughter - because she didn't want me there with my children - it was in my parents garden! She changed the venue but then invited other family members with their children.

Get her round and find out why she is objecting to this, she is obviously an adult. She doesn't see your DD as family. Has she and your daughter been close, got on or is it a strained relationship?

But this is on your SD not on your husband. Although he should be calling the shots - not his daughter and ex wife.

I would love to hear the other side of this.

i am not saying this is right or rational or mature - but the raw emotions are probably something along the lines of ……

My dad remarried when I was 6 to a woman who had an eight year old daughter. I really missed my dad already and then all of a sudden he had a new little girl who he lived with full time when I only saw him every other weekend.

He and my mum didn’t really get on so he didn’t go to my parents evenings or school events but he went to everything for this new little girl. They were an instant little unit of three people and my bother and I were firmly on the outside. His new wife and I didn’t really get on and so I hated going to their house.

his new wife kept saying how her daughter needed a dad because hers was useless - but I needed a dad too. No one seemed to understand she got the better deal.

I always thought dad and I would mend the relationship - but now she is getting married. He will be father of the bride and do all those things with her that should be for me - his only daughter. Then she will have children and I know the pattern will repeat. My dad will be an amazing grandparent to her children but when I have children it will be awkward because his wife and I aren’t close. He will be round there every week, he and my step mum will do childcare for them and he will have a really close bond with these other children and will see mine every few months. My children probably won’t even understand he is actually my dad!

i lost it a bit last week and went into a rage about everything I have missed out on and how this girl has basically stolen my dad. My mum and brother intervened and issued my dad an ultimatum. I am not sure what happens next. But I doubt he will pick me. Because he never picks me - always her.

Really - the fact of the ultimation makes me think it was the case here in the OP. We've had plenty of bereavement too, makes it even harder to see the level of support dad gives stepsister compared to the fuck all support he gave to bio sister.