Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

I do wonder why DH is so fuzzy around what his kids’ mother said. Is it that she said some things he doesn’t want to repeat to the OP or things that make him feel guilty?

I’d DH gives at speech and kids attend wedding it would seem prudent to keep the focus on the bride & how great she is, how great her mother is, how welcome the groom is and maybe mention of her dad if bride would be comfortable with that. Nothing about how he sees her as a daughter etc you can give a great speech without needing to say that.

Even the OP doesn’t think this.

Hmmm I wonder (if he’s not spoken to the daughter) whether it’s actually the son who has the issue, not her. She’s apparently devastated and prepared to cut her dad off but it’s her brother who delivers that message. The same brother who flew off the handle about his stepsister using “his name”. They sound like not very nice people to be honest. The OP said they didn’t want to stay over so what was their dad meant to do? Force them? Families break down and their own mum moved on and had more children so presumably they gained a stepdad there. I wonder how they treat him.

I guess the lesson is that some people aren’t kind or welcoming. Most people would have been - not taken their spite out on a child who had no choice about her family set up. If I were the dad I’d definitely go ahead with the plans to walk my DSD down the aisle. If the daughter has an issue she can raise it herself but as I said above, I think it might be more the sons issue.

And no I cannot imagine acting like this at 33 no matter how much unresolved childhood trauma I had. If he was always a shit dad, fine, go low contact. Don’t fucking blackmail him to try to sabotage your stepsisters wedding (the stepsister you used to take the piss out of and call thick).

So the other stepdad died, which might have contributed to the emotional weather. The stepchildren clearly have a lot of contempt for the bride, and are enjoying spoiling her wedding, which is childish. OP and her DD need to rise above.

The ex wife told him, the son just confirmed it.
Family break-ups are really hard on children.
They clearly weren’t comfortable enough in their dad’s new family home to want to stay there much.

What choice did they have about their family set-up? They had to live with two new adults or order to live with either of their parents? And they were polite and kind to DD according to the OP.

A daughter is entitled to express how she feels about her own dad. I can’t see how going low contact would be preferable.
You should be prepared to accept the consequences of your parenting choices.

Ah okay I didn’t realise that the other stepdad died. But yes the vitriol here seems directed at the OP’s daughter. It seems unfair - her dad died, she had a close bond with her stepdad and seems to have got on with her life despite the resentment of her older step siblings. I would also rise above it. If the DH doesn’t want to walk her down the aisle, smile sweetly and say it’s fine and have a wonderful day. Nothing pisses people like this off more than realising that their actions have no impact on the target. Live a good life and that will drive them crazy.

Referring to someone BtEC Betty is not polite or kind - it was meant as an insult.

It’d be an exceptionally harmonious family where a dad moving in with a child of a similar age didn’t cause any issues.

Outwardly they were polite and kind.

But they were clearly upset.

Well if he’s a shit dad, he’s a shit dad isn’t he? If my dad was shit, I’d reduce my involvement with him. I wouldn’t try to blackmail him and say if he does x then I won’t speak to him but I will do if he does what I want. Especially when the person my blackmail is aimed at hurting isn't even my dad but my stepsister.
If he’d forced his children to stay overnight at his house I’m sure people would have had an issue with that too. They were fairly old when their dad remarried - old enough to choose whether to stay or not. There isn’t anything that suggests he was shit. In fact maintaining weekly contact suggests quite the opposite. I guess his crime was to get married to someone else and be kind to her child. Maybe he should have remained single forever. What an asshole.

Of course but they didn’t say it to her.

The son’s reaction to the name suggests there was a lot of emotion around DD.

Really feel for your husband.

You would divorce a man who stepped up and became a good husband and dad to your daughter because of this?

You used poor judgement with your daughter’s natural father. You are doing the same here.

I would give my daughter away myself in the circumstances.

Sounds like he stopped being a parent to them and became more the fun uncle who takes them for dinners while your daughter got him as her daddy.

Sounds like they have always had issue with you/your daughter.

Their dad moved in with a child their age and raised her. It’s not a crime but it doesn’t make him dad of the year either.

And his children then stopped wanting to visit overnight. He became a dinner dad.

Well they slagged her off behind her back so not that kind really. But is it such a heinous thing that the dad remarried (after his wife had already remarried and had more children)? Why is that so wrong?

My sister was an evil shit to my stepdad when I was a teen. As an adult she realises she was 100% wrong and feels awful about it (sadly he’s no longer with my mum). She had some issues going on. He also had two daughters and she would laugh and call them chavs and fat. Again she realises what a bitch she was now that she’s an adult (they had done absolutely nothing wrong). She was also horrible to my mum and various other people. The difference is she grew up (at 18 she was already ashamed at how she’d acted and apologised).

I don't get the impression she is blackmailing him. More saying to her mother and brother if he walks her step sister down the aisle she is done with him. We don't know she asked anyone to pass it on to her dad at all - or that she even knew it was planned - more just expressing her thoughts about what it would mean to her. I don't get the impression it's a great relationship anyway so probably wouldn't take much for the daugher to give it up.

But what would have made him dad of the year? Remaining single until they were 18 and not being able to have a relationship despite their mum having a whole new family?

He didn’t have more children. DD is his wife’s child.

I wouldn't marry a man who thinks a couple of dinner dates a week is an appropriate way to maintain a relationship with his 11 and 13 year old children. Why is the bar so low for fathers?

I know. I meant his ex wife had more children with her second husband. Was she a shit mum for doing that?

It sounds as though your SD has confided her feelings to her mother and her brother. For her, he is her one father and their relationship is as father and daughter. SD and SS seem to be very clear on their father belonging to them. They have lines which they think should not be crossed as evidenced in your further posts.

Life has thrown in the situation where he has remarried and has raised a SD in another home. It is lovely that she regards him as her father and is happy to fulfil that role. Presumably he loves her very much but she is still not factually his daughter. He has a different relationship there.

I grew up in a blended family. We siblings do care very much about one another and thankfully don’t do things to upset each other. This situation wouldn’t occur with us but that doesn’t mean I can’t understand how your SD might feel. There are distinctions for our parents and us. My SF is very fond of me but would obviously have a deeper bond with his own children and do more for them in life. Likewise, my DM did all the motherly things that she should and cared deeply for her DSC, however, she felt a stronger connection with her DC. It is part and parcel of parents remarrying and can bring about a lot of strong feelings in all the DC. They aren’t necessarily easy to negotiate at all and the DC are typically just expected by their DP to get on with it and adapt gracefully. I would love to see more understanding on the difficulties experienced by the DC and more attention and recognition for their feelings generally.

I hope that your DD is happy to have you walk her down the aisle. I don’t think your SD is being completely unreasonable to feel as she does, although I get that these feelings are not convenient for everybody else and may cause your DD some disappointment. I don’t think she should be castigated for them and nor should your DH. Perhaps, if you can avoid seeing it as a big drama yourself you can make sure everything will just go smoothly.

Being more to his actual kids than a dinner date while living full time with someone’s else’s.

There will be a reason they stopped wanting to sleep and he obviously didn’t care and it clearly wasn’t just having a new wife as mum having a new husband didn’t make them move to dads full time or even visit more.

They both of his children clearly feel that the ops daughter in their minds stole their dad from them the surname thing shows that as well.

What does “even the OP” mean? Maybe the OP is wrong?