Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

Let's hope he's nicer. Or doesn't ever expect his dad to be in his wedding if his sister puts her foot down.

When you put it like that I see it.

I think the step daughter is being unreasonable but can see some of her perspective.

But you are also being unreasonable.

My mum walked me down the aisle...

All I know is that he has chosen his daughter, I have no idea whether this is for ‘noble’ reasons or not. As if that would be in any way relevant, anyway.

A child isn’t a blank slate you are guaranteed to shape to your liking. They’re individuals in their own right, and no matter what you may want them to think, feel, or be, they ultimately get to decide those things for themselves.

I suspect this. And I don’t think any parent should side with anyone over their own child unless they’ve done something akin to a serious crime.

This isn’t a one off incident I sense. The SD’s emotions are triggered by what this represents after probably years of emotions about her dad treating another girl as his daughter.

If it’s so bad that the ex asked him for dinner after 22 years there is a serious problem.

Well unless op also has a son his relationship will be slightly different as he hasn’t had to watch his father play dad to another boy. just watch his father be a more there parent to ops daughters sucks in itself though.

Were as his daughter has and now she’s expected to be happy watching him walk her down the aisle while his spent more time with her as a child than his own daughter. Doing yet again another daddy daughter thing for someone else’s child.

Where's your line with this? What else does SD get to dictate? Her Dad can't drive in the same car as OPs daughter? Can't pop to Asda with her? Can't say he loves her?

Where exactly does this terrible trauma end? Can he ever do anything again with anyone who 'isn't his child'? The DNA molecules might be listening...

I totally agree with this.

Step-daughter sounds like a horrible spoilt brat, imo, viewing love like a pie with less for her if he also loves another child like his own. REally piss poor attitude on her part. And catering to it as your husband is is really shit for your own daughter.

I would probably feel the same way as OP if I was invested in all the 'giving away' nonsense. As for that, if she really feels she needs to be 'given away' by someone, OP as her mother should do it as she's been there for her all her life.

As for OP's stepdaughter, I think her husband is a coward for not sitting her and telling her that people can love all their children, including step, adopted, foster and what have you, and it doesn't mean they love everyone a little less as a result, ffs. And ask her why on earth is she behaving so ungenerously towards a child he has essentially raised.

Divorce your ashen faced husband who believes he is facing losing his daughter? Surely there is a better solution. Brainstorm one. PP have suggested many alternatives to choosing between one DD and another. And tell DH to take his DD out for a drink and ask how she's really feeling about it all. His ex may be causing unnecessary trouble.

I agree, I'd be cancelling her invitation and letting know her why. There's no way I'd be paying for her meal etc. and I'd be worried she'd do something spiteful to ruin the day if she was there. We actually uninvited DH's DIL for that reason, we didn't trust her.

But I think this might be the problem, popping to Asda is different to being walked down the aisle by your dad

Personally I think its outdated but if she feels strongly about it then she has the right to be sad that she's not the only one who is sharing that moment with her dad

The daughter hasn't been the one to give any ultimatums according to the OP so maybe she doesn't intend to but has just expressed sadness to her mum

Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this.

There's no 'essentially' about this, what has actually been said and by who? and why do they feel that way, context is so important here.

Your daughter is 30 and your step daughter has got to be at least 22, so why is your step daughter so offended by the notion of your husband giving your daughter away?

Walk her yourself. You are her one constant in her life. Why does it need to be a man!!!

It is so unbelievably callous for some posters to be saying ‘he isn’t her dad and never will be’. Really sticking the knife in, and getting a little kick out of it.

As if it isn’t hurtful enough for the DD to already be facing the big fuck you of ‘my REAL daughter doesn’t want me to walk you down the aisle so I won’t be’. It’s really going to show DD exactly where she stands.

It’s not as if you can only walk one woman down the aisle ever, so it has no impact on him one day walking his DD down the aisle (not that she’s even engaged).

I have a DS but if he was in this situation in the future and my DP wouldn’t walk him down the aisle because his DD said so, I would also divorce him. You either commit to being a dad when you say you are going to, or you don’t. Blood related or not. The poor girl has already been abandoned by one dad who is now dead, why isn’t anyone putting themselves in her shoes? This would impact her so, so much more than the SD. But I guess SC are untouchable on here, no matter how incredibly badly they behave.

Okay. Well, the daughter sounds unreasonable (though I can sympathise, some good arguments from people in this thread make sense)

However, if I were in his position, threatened with a future with no relationship with my child, I'd give in as well. It's my child. That person is physically part of me, and if this (possibly unreasonable) demand is the only negative, then I'd deal with that. I'm not turning my back on my child.

You? You are being unreasonable threatening divorce over this. And I hate to say it, but you'll then be removing this man from your daughter's life. If that's the strop you want to have, it's your life, but I personally would not.

I had both of my parents walk me down the aisle, fwiw. It's not a requirement that it be a solitary male of some sort.

You haven’t said how your daughter feels. Surely that’s the only thing atm that matters?

I have a lot of sympathy for the OPs step daughter. She already had to watch another little girl grow up in her place with her Dad and now her step mother and step sister have commandeered her Dad for a a father of the bride role without giving a second thought to how she might feel about it. The poor woman has probably felt pushed aside ever since she was made to be someone’s step child and that will have hurt her a lot.

She probably didn’t talk to her dad herself because she knows there’s the possibility that she will be seen in a bad light just for having normal feelings, but thankfully she still has some family who are prepared to stick up for her.

I honestly can’t believe that no one involved in this wedding didn’t think about how she would feel about this in the first place.

It’s a bit bigger than a trip to Asda isn’t it.

It another thing her dads doing for someone else’s child when his already spent more of his time and resources let’s face it emotionally and financially on ops daughter than he has his own child.

It’s just another thing where she watches her dad playing happy families with someone else’s daughter.

Just as ops hopping mad about it the stepdaughter can’t exactly help feeling pushed out and replaced watching her family again play daddy to someone else. Feelings are feeling good or bad.

Ultimatum’s are no good however but if she’s just done and can’t face watching her dad parent someone else’s daughter again over and over then that’s up to her. She’s giving him the heads or rather her mother has said look if you do this DD is done with you she can’t take it anymore. Dads like wtf?!?? Sons confirmed DD is very upset ….

Wonder why dads not noticed all these years before… more focused on his new daughter…. Maybe.

I would have been completely and utterly devastated as a child/teenager if my dad had left our family home & set up home where another girl is full time and they act like daddy daughter while I have to content myself with a weekend dad.

That is really really hard on a child.

And the OP rushes to an ultimatum instead of considering what happened in their family dynamic that the step daughter feels this bad.

You are making a difficult situation much worse by your tears and drama. You should be feeling sorry for your DH, not making threats to him.

Perhaps you should also be feeling sorry for SD, who seems to feel threatened by her father's relationship with your daughter. Has he had good contact with her throughout her growing-up years, I wonder? She is being unreasonable but I understand why he doesn’t want to alienate her since she feels so strongly about it.

You walk her down the aisle.

That’s not in my remit to decide. This isn’t my life, what I personally think or feel about the situation means fuck all. Each individual involved gets to decide where their own line goes.

I haven’t actually said anything about whether I think anyone involved is right or wrong. I generally prefer to look at situations for what they are rather than bring irrelevancies such as what I think they should be into it.

It doesn’t matter if the daughter is a horrible brat that is going to issue him ultimatums forever and ever and ever - it’s up to him whether he’s prepared to lose her or not.

That's really what I'm asking. Walking down the aisle is a no-go apparently but what qualifies people accepting a veto as being valid vs being ridiculous? What if SD DID say she didn't want her Dad to be in a car with OPs daughter? Would the same argument that she feels she's losing her dad's affections and only spent weekends with him and felt pushed out etc etc or whatever it was still apply?

I can't imagine telling my Dad what to do like this in any capacity, regardless of how my relationship with him was when I was a kid. I'm a grown up so I'll get myself some therapy if I need to and sit back down.

The daughter hasn't been the one to give any ultimatums according to the OP so maybe she doesn't intend to but has just expressed sadness to her mum

I do agree with this though, actually no ultimatums have come from the SD as far as we know, it's all through the ex wife. Perhaps she has just expressed some sadness, which she is totally entitled to do. Maybe that's as far as it will go when DH actually speaks to her directly. I don't think we'll ever know.

I don’t the the wedding is the main issue. I suspect it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Why should this dude's bio kids not expect their dad to step up at a big life event like their wedding and be a dad?

We don't know if the daughter is being unreasonable or not. We don't know how well or poorly the relationship between the daughter and OP and her daughter was. OP has left an awful lot out that makes me think the daughter is giving her dad a last chance to be her dad.