AIBU to think there must be something wrong?

[Warmerdays]

Have you ever come across anyone who is so so unpleasant, so rude, so disrespectful that you start to feel genuinely worried about them and think they must have some un-diagnosed issue? My SIL has always been “savage” shall we say. She does not seem to have any self awareness, doesn’t seem to recognise when she is being disrespectful, cant see that her actions have consequences, her attitude has been getting worse and worse towards family and friends and she does not seem to care. She pushed my son out of her way the other day, said “oops” and carried on. She barges her way through people and places and just does not care. Im starting to think menopause? What are some symptoms of a personality disorder? ADHD? Someone cant possibly be so unpleasant without an explanation? Her mother (my mil) is terrified to open her mouth because sil is vile towards her. She lives with her parents, no bf/family/children so no family stresses. I feel like telling her perhaps she should see a Dr as her behaviour is getting worse and worse.

Menopause and ADHD? Do you know how offensive that is?

What does a diagnosis tell you? Just deal forcefully with the behavior.

Its just something various people have bought up as a posible explination as to what is going on with her! A friend suggested it as she admitted to the most awful mood swings going through her menopause. They are not my suggestions.

That she may possibly be able to get help.

What’s your DH view on his sister’s presentation? He’ has she always been like this? Has she just got worse? She sounds like a very unhappy person.

She eill not get help because she doesn’t have a problem—you do.

Maybe she's just an absolute cow?

Like i say shes always been… savage? Rude/abrupt/ sharp with her tongue?. But yes family members are seeing the its getting worse and worse. She did have some self awareness, so for example if in public she would be careful not to let her rudeness slip and her sharp tounge show, but now she does not care, shes left people gobsmacked. Her mother is in tears most evenings because of her (obviously bares the brunt of it)

Well i do have a problem with her if she is allowing her poor behaviour to affect my child (such as pushing him) and leaving my poor mil in tears nearly every night. We all have a problem with it actually.

Unfortunately people can just be unpleasant...... because theyre just unpleasant. Doesnt need to be a reason.

Not every body has a condition,some people are just very unpleasant.

Has no-one said to her "FGS Rachel, what is your problem lately?"

I work with people who can be rude - most are lovely but large nhs organisation. The most shocking to me are those who are hierarchical and speak to my team like shit over email then I get involved and back my team, find a solution and they are nice as pie because they deem my seniority high enough to speak to me kindly but my team don’t deserve that apparently. It’s a certain type of person.

one woman was a stand out exception, queen of rude who shouted at me over teams. I’m a strong woman who can handle tricky conversations but after that meeting I said I’m never meeting with her again without a witness. She went on to shout at my director and we had to get the ceo involved. She went on to secretly ignore our instructions. We couldn’t understand how she still had a job…. She doesn’t anymore. Her main issue was thinking she knew better about my specialist area without any training or experience. She wasted ££££ of nhs money 🤬

I mean when I say shes become unpleasant , people have become genuinely quite scared of her. I think MIL tried to raise the subject one evening and it did not end well.

What on earth does her being a rude a-hole have to do with ADHD?!

Can you embolden MIL to ask her to move out?

stage an intervention

I've come to realise as I get older that some people are just plain nasty and self centred. On mn it's also referred to as narcissism, it's not, it's just being completely focused on yourself because you are jealous of others and so make sure you are the centre of the world or being so selfish that you don't care about your impact on the world around you.
Thankfully, as I've got older I will tell these people exactly what I think of them or their actions...an example this weekend, the parent who stopped their family in front of a flight of steps, blocking any one using them...my response was a loud "no you carry on I didn't want to walk up the steps anyway" embarrassed them into moving.
I've also cut out anyone who behaves in such a manner from my life, except my sister in law who I am/have put up with for mil sake...but when mil passes, she will be in for a shock because she is so.self centred, rude, and unpleasant it's likely the whole family will cut her off.

Enabling these people is what makes it worse; whether there’s an underlying reason or not, it’s that they get to act like this without consequence.

ok so this answers my question. I dont know anything about ADHD like I said above it was someone else’s suggestion to explain her lack of self awareness. Like i say not my suggestion.

How did you deal with her pushing your son? You didn't say how old he is but I'd find it really difficult to ignore that sort of thing. However young/old my kid is, you assault him in front of me at your peril - I would not be able to hold back from lambasting her for that. I know it wouldn't hurt a person but it's the total lack of respect...

Are people afraid to confront her because she is likely to become violent, or is she just abusive in her speech?

Thank you. I need to grow a backbone it seems

If you feel unsafe around this person then it's time to distance or speak up. The MIL needs to stand up to this woman quite frankly if she's living with her what a nightmare.

Early onset dementia could explain a change in behaviour, personality and coordination like you say about barging, it can cause mood swings.

Personality disorders can present these kinds of behaviour but it's really a mute point as she's a grown adult and has an understanding her actions have an impact on other people.

These people need to be stood up to, otherwise they think they can continue to bully and trample over everyone else. I know easier said than done but probably a good thing she doesn't have family of her own to pass down the toxicity.

She has physically assaulted a family member before yes as well as verbally abusive in her speech.

Thats interesting, shes 45. I do genuinely think there is something going on, yes shes always been unpleasant, but its the getting worse and not caring, even if you were to point oht to her she would react in anger that you would dare insinuate that she was wrong.

I don’t understand why you’re set on pathologising her behaviour. What difference does it make to your response whether she pushed your son because of some possible undiagnosed condition which makes her aggressive or because she’s a deeply unpleasant, violent individual?