AIBU to think there must be something wrong?

[Warmerdays]

Have you ever come across anyone who is so so unpleasant, so rude, so disrespectful that you start to feel genuinely worried about them and think they must have some un-diagnosed issue? My SIL has always been “savage” shall we say. She does not seem to have any self awareness, doesn’t seem to recognise when she is being disrespectful, cant see that her actions have consequences, her attitude has been getting worse and worse towards family and friends and she does not seem to care. She pushed my son out of her way the other day, said “oops” and carried on. She barges her way through people and places and just does not care. Im starting to think menopause? What are some symptoms of a personality disorder? ADHD? Someone cant possibly be so unpleasant without an explanation? Her mother (my mil) is terrified to open her mouth because sil is vile towards her. She lives with her parents, no bf/family/children so no family stresses. I feel like telling her perhaps she should see a Dr as her behaviour is getting worse and worse.

One day someone will smack her in the face - that might help her understanding

Can my DSis come too’

She could just be utterly spoilt, and come to o understand that behaving the way she does gets her her own way without consequences.

It baffles me how these people function in real life. Like how they keep jobs, have friends, get a meal in a restaurant without the waiters spit in it?

What we witness is a tiny part of their every day.

Does your SIL hold down a job? Does she have friends and a social life? I'm just trying to figure out how she moves through the world, and if she saves her nastiness for family while acting normal outside the home. She sounds stunted and childish at the least, like she never progressed past being a teenager. I guess she could have autism or some kind of intellectual disability if she really doesn't understand how her behaviour is inappropriate, but I'd lean towards her being a nasty piece of work in the absence of any other evidence.

I think from what you've said @Warmerdays there's little point in railing against her, as your PIL wouldn't back you up. Your best bet for your family's peace of mind is to withdraw from SIL as much as possible, seeing your PIL outside their home and not if they have SIL with them. I'd go as low contact as I possibly could. She's never going to start self-reflection no matter what anyone says (I was thinking along the lines of "Well, that's it Carol, we're done with you. No idea what you've got against DS but we'll spare you having to put up with us any more. Hopefully we won't cross paths again. See you soon MIL, I'll be in touch" then leave) even if you don't lash out verbally at her.

So I wouldn't say anything to her, but I would be done. Menopause may well be making SIL worse than she was but whatever the reason for her hideous personality, nothing can be done about it as she doesn't recognise that she has a problem. I feel for you, it must horrible having a family member who ruins things for everyone. Her parents have chosen to put up with her, you don't have to.

I did not list menopause as an illness or a disorder. Like i previously said a friend mentioned that this could possibly making her behaviour worse as she herself went through the most awful mood swings and admitted to being quite horrible to those closest to her. Dont I?

Well this certainly helps innme understanding that she could just possibly be a bad person. Like I said it was jot my suggestion.

Thank you! I think your right it is quite scary to believe that she can just be a horrible person and there is possibly no way of stoping it.,

Possibly? Thank you

I’m starting to think menopause
🤣🤣
I’m going through the menopause but I don’t behave like an arsehole.

Sounds like my sister.

Will you be coming to our wedding in (insert destination)? Hah! Why would I go to that shithole?

i could go on and on.
Can you not just avoid her? You need to support your MIL to kick her out I think also if that’s at all feasible. But it needs to be a united front.

I have ADHD and menopausal. ADHD and autism run in my family and I'm not offended. It's not unusual to look at someone's bizarre behaviour and wonder what's wrong with them. I was only diagnosed with ADHD recently, I thought I was going mad but it turns out I could no longer mask due to menopause. It sounds like her parents have been making excuses for her whole life thinking they're protecting her. They probably don't even realise they're doing it. I recently had to face up to doing something similar with my daughter, she is autistic and has ADHD. I would make excuses for her behaviour ( no violence)because she's different, doesn't think the same, doesn't understand how to navigate the world around her etc... I love her and want to protect her but it doesn't do her or her children any favours in the long run. You can't make her parents face her behaviour but you and your husband can put boundaries in and tell her you won't accept her poor behaviour.

I’ve worked with two people like this. They have no emotional intelligence whatsoever. When confronted with their own behaviour they will never understand or accept they are the problem. The first one I worked with flounced when she didn’t get a promotion over another person. The other person was useless but more pleasant to be around and the arsehole one just couldn’t accept she was the preferred choice. I suspect to this day she thinks she was treated unfairly.

The second one I worked with more recently and in many ways she is a carbon copy of arsehole no.1. When told off for the way she behaves though, this one cried and claimed to be picked on which is imo is just plain manipulative when it should be obvious to anyone with insight that she is the issue.

The only conclusion I can come to is that it’s a combination of supreme arrogance and lack of social and emotional intelligence. They are extremely unpleasant to be around but there is absolutely no chance of changing them.

Any medical conditions she has are her business. If you don't like her behaviour then you should stop spending time with her, instead of enabling it.

I am so so sorry if I have offended anyone in any way. It was not my intention at all! It does seem more and more likely that she is just an unpleasant person with something happening in her life at the moment that is making the anger/rudeness and unpleasantness more and more prevalent

Tbf my sister has adhd and her symptoms got SO much worse now she’s in peri.

You haven’t offended me at all OP 🙂
Your SIL sounds like a true narcissist and, by not calling her out, your MIL is enabling this behaviour.

Don't you what? I'm just telling you it comes off a bit rude the way you make assumptions that menopause can be so negative.

Maybe you could offer to let your M-I-L come and stay with you for a while, to give her a break? It might help her regain a sense of what is normal, which you can lose when living with an abusive relative.

Does she have a job?

Who cares what’s wrong with her, just cut her out. Life is too short to suffer people like this

You said i didnt sound like I wanted to help her, so i just asked dont I? I wasn't making assumptions, like ive said a few times now it was a friend that suggested that going through menopause turned her into a completely different person, she was rude, snappy and admitted to giving her family a hard time. That was her experience and I know a few others have had similar, and a few posters on here have given their own experiences with family members changing/finding things hard to deal with due to menopause, but yes i am of the same view as you that it should not turn you into a shitty person and it should not be used as an excuse.

Ok, thank you. I understand you are trying to help her. I hope you can. Being patient and understanding and a good listener I think would be helpful to anyone going through a hard time.

I think it's very low self esteem - you say she still lives with her parents has no children or BF? Could it be she's very unhappy with her life ? I have a relative like this she always has to 'tell it like it is', which makes her unpleasant to be around, I think she goes on the attack because she is so unhappy with her life. By getting in with the unpleasantness first, everyone tiptoes round her.