AIBU to think there must be something wrong?

[Warmerdays]

Have you ever come across anyone who is so so unpleasant, so rude, so disrespectful that you start to feel genuinely worried about them and think they must have some un-diagnosed issue? My SIL has always been “savage” shall we say. She does not seem to have any self awareness, doesn’t seem to recognise when she is being disrespectful, cant see that her actions have consequences, her attitude has been getting worse and worse towards family and friends and she does not seem to care. She pushed my son out of her way the other day, said “oops” and carried on. She barges her way through people and places and just does not care. Im starting to think menopause? What are some symptoms of a personality disorder? ADHD? Someone cant possibly be so unpleasant without an explanation? Her mother (my mil) is terrified to open her mouth because sil is vile towards her. She lives with her parents, no bf/family/children so no family stresses. I feel like telling her perhaps she should see a Dr as her behaviour is getting worse and worse.

I think its because i have a gut feeling something is going on. I mean she claims to adore him

Stop being such a load of wet blankets and stand up to her for goodness sake. Why is her brother allowing her to be so vile towards their parents? Why hasn’t he read her the riot act? Undiagnosed whatever or not, it does not give anyone the right to behave like a disgusting piece of shit towards others.

Is she manipulative? Or able to charm to get what she wants? If so then she is aware of her bad behaviour.

She lives with her parents, no bf/family/children so no family stresses. I feel like telling her perhaps she should see a Dr as her behaviour is getting worse and worse.

See, the thought of being old enough to be going through menopause and living with my parents does sound stressful to me.

Unless there's a specific reason (disabilitiy or caring duties, for example), it's unusual and smacks of failure to launch. That hints at some sort of issue, IMO. Perhaps it's frustration with her life or general unhappiness?

Whatever tbe reason, it's not really your business unless she asks for advice. I'd be staying away as much as possible.

This. She's always been a nasty piece of work, she's getting worse because it sounds like there's never been any consequences for her of that. She's still living at home but makes her mum cry most days? Honestly, sod that. If that was my sister treating my mum like that i'd have her bags packed and out the door.

Husband has suggested this, resulting in a severe outburst from SIL and their father telling my DH that he has no right to speak to his sister like that, and they will not be throwing anyone out.

No reason that she still lives home. She tried going to uni years ago and staying in the halls of residence, i think this lasted about a month for her and she decided to travel and continue to live with parents x

I think it’s pretty understandable that you’re seeking answers and wondering if there’s something going on that would kind of explain her particular combination of odd life choices and hurtful behaviour.

It’s one thing to challenge her on it and hold her accountable if she’s just a nasty person — quite another to try and do so if she turns out to have a mental illness or something.

I agree! My son is Autistic and has ADHD and is the most politest kid, he is so respectful so using ADHD as an excuse for brat behaviour isnt right.

It's a complete head scratcher then OP.
If your FiL is complicit in her behaviour there's not much you can do. Must be horribly frustrating for your DH.
Maybe your hunch is right & there is something going on with her you're unaware of. Or it's just your FiL is incapable of standing up to her.

It does sound like she has some behavioural and emotional problems , Tell her her behaviour isn’t normal.

ADHD doesn't make people rude or unpleasant.
Even borderline personality disorder doesn't necessarily do that.
And menopause isn't an illness or disorder?
You sound quite ignorant.
What difference does it make what you think as she's hardly going to go and get a diagnosis just because you think she's horrible?
You don't seem like you want to help her either.

I dunno, I’m perimenopausal with ADHD and sometimes feel like I’m bordering on sociopath territory! Kidding. But only just 😬 Contrary to MN doctrine we’re not all saints with superpowers and Christ-like empathy. We can be selfish reactive shits just like anyone else.

Anyway, to your point, OP, I get your need to understand why your SIL is like this - particularly if she still lives at home and has failed to launch, which suggests she has considerable difficulties with adult life & people & the world in general.

And it is easier to feel compassion for someone who has A Condition than it is for someone who’s just being a horrific twat all the time. There’s also something quite scary about the idea that people can just go around being nasty for no reason at all. We want to understand what underpins it - often in the hope that this might unlock some way to stop the behaviour.

But as others have said, all you can do is protect yourself and try to keep firm and fair boundaries. She sounds awful.

If she's unpleasant to you and your children, then just don't have anything to do with her. What your DH does is up to him. If your PIL aren't prepared to do anything about it, then I think you just have to leave them to it - it's up to them, it's their choice if they continue to put up with her behavior - also your DH's choice. But you don't have to have anything to do with her and neither do your children

Sure you’re not getting confused with ASPD? Anti social personality disorder?

She's probably just a bitch? I have a cousin like this, she's always been a cow and we all avoid her like the plague. She sometimes has a glimmer of niceness, but generally she's just not a nice person. I don't think you need to diagnose her.

Well stop having anything to do with her if she is that bad around your child then just stop, if the MIL does nothing that is up to her

You cant fix or control her so leave her to it, she is not a project

Well, rather than trying to label her, why don't the family either tackle her en masse. Or go N c.
Honestly, why expose yourselves and your child to shoddy crap behaviour?

I have a friend who has adhd, she’s lovely but she talks about herself and her issues all the time, will talk over other people and can be very abrupt and at times rude. She forgets to ask others how they are. She also has no spacial awareness and often bumps into things /stands too close and talks loudly. Shh hee can get overwhelmed and lash out in anger. She showed me her diagnosis and all the things I’ve listed above were mentioned as part of the diagnosis process. Not all people with adhd have those traits but some do.

I don’t think the op is meaning to be insulting she is just trying to understand why her sil has such extreme behaviour.

Op it could be neuro diversity, mental health issues, hormones, upbringing/environment, poor social development.

its unlikely she will change so you need to put boundaries in place, this could be how often you see her (if at all) and where.

Unfortunately, sometimes the diagnosis is simply a severe case of cunt-itis 🤷🏻‍♀️🫠

And in my experience?
There’s rarely a cure for it.

I know it can be hard when it’s family, but when it’s having an effect on your DC’s? Cut that shit off.

I have a DSis like this. She has all of the characteristics you describe OP.

For those of you that are affronted OP suggested ADHD or menopause, give her a break. She wasn’t talking about your DSs or DDs , she doesn’t know them and she did not create this thread for the sole purpose of bashing people with these conditions. She genuinely thinks there is a reason for her SILs behaviour.

As do I regarding my DSis. The whole family is shocked at the horrible things she says, at the speculations she makes about other family members personal lives and at the accusations she makes about us all.

She is always talking about how family should stick together but she is bossy, always telling people what to do.

it really is not as easy as having it out with her. I did once years ago and it was so unpleasant, it went on for hours, her screaming at me and constantly calling back when I put the phone down. I’m not going there again!

I don’t call her but she calls me moaning about what she perceives I have done or not for family relations. OMG it is so tiresome!

I am empathetic and have compassion for her. She is clearly deeply unhappy.

Her DD is NC. This is obviously a major problem for DSis and maybe where some of it stems from. But she wasn’t a very good DM to my niece when she was little .

DSis has absolutely no self awareness about this and has rewritten history in her mind in that she was the best DM in the world and it was the rest of the family that turned her DD against her.

When you are dealing with family members like this you can understand why we might seriously think there is something wrong with them, and would consider conditions like ADHD, menopause or any number of things. Not to insult others.

I would find it very difficult to not confront her in anger for pushing my child. Why deal with this individual with kid gloves when she is so clearly unpleasant?

You all need to start challenging her on this awful behaviour and PIl need to stand united.

By declaring that he has no boundaries and is willing for MIL to be made to cry every night he is taking sides and enabling this. She needs to understand that they will not tolerate this behaviour with the consequence that she leaves if she cannot be kind and pleasant.

Does she work ?/ earn ? Is there any need for her to live at home ?

Please don’t blame this on ADHD or menopause. Don’t try and armchair diagnose. She might just be vile.

Sounds like my sister.

I am no contact and she hasn’t seen my kids since they were new babies over a decade ago.

Yep she makes my mum cry and is scared of her but that’s up to her, she wont challenge.
Bur here’s the kicker, my sister is a carbon copy of my mum and dads worst bits.
It’s like they put it together and poured it into one person.
Both were violent aggressive areseholes who gave us an awful upbringing. Deny it of course. But you reap what you sow don’t you.

Remove yourself completely. It’s bliss!

I wonder what would happen if your sil where to meet my sister, my god, now that would be a show!