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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH night out - aibu

115 replies

Brieagain · 28/04/2025 02:34

6pm Sunday evening, kids bath time. DH says " Steves just been in touch. He's back for a few days...are you okay if we go out just for an hour about 7"

Sunday nights are quite precious to me / us as last chance for a peaceful evening before another mad working week. I work full time

Absolutely I say. Go early for an hour then we'll still have time to watch something together later etc

Steve duly arrives and off they go

DH got back 10pm, by which time I was flagging. Our kids are up at 6am so we're generally exhausted by then. He could not understand why I was pissed off

I have said I have no problem at all with them being out all evening it's just about being clear and fair isn't it. Popping out for an hour is not the same as I'm off out all evening . I wouldn't have minded, just be upfront

It sounds so petty now I type it but these are literally our only couple of hours in a day to chill.

OP posts:
5128gap · 28/04/2025 08:27

I think YABU as if someone wants to be somewhere else doing something else with someone else, provided it's not causing you work or happening all the time, or they're up to something inappropriate, you shouldn't try to stop them. There is no real value in an evening of company with a person when you've basically forced it on them against their preference. He wanted to spend the evening with Steve, and I don't think many people would take 'an hour at the pub' literally in the circumstances.

QuickPeachPoet · 28/04/2025 08:37

Very unreasonable and also a bit controlling. You expect him to be clock watching and counting the minutes while he is meant to be relaxing with a friend just so he can rush back to do…well nothing really.

sandyhappypeople · 28/04/2025 08:39

It sounds like if he said a few hours to begin with, you would not have been okay with it, where as saying an hour you gave him you ‘blessing’ 😒 but it was never going to be an hour.

it sounds like you are quite controlling to be honest, unless there’s a drip feed, he should be free to go out with mate for a few hours at the weekend and not feel guilty that he is cutting into ‘your’ time, as you could just as easily chill on your own.

punishing him for spending time with someone other than you is really not on!

godmum56 · 28/04/2025 08:41

SallyWD · 28/04/2025 05:54

He was silly to say he's going out for an hour to catch up with a friend who lives away. No one goes out for an hour!!
You were equally silly to believe it. He stayed out very little time and it's no big deal. I don't think Sunday evenings should be such a big deal. You can do your own thing once in a while rather than expect him to come back early just so you can watch TV together!
If you have to be up so early, why are you on Mumsnet at 3am? Different time zone?

this.

Katemax82 · 28/04/2025 08:44

I get pissed off if my husband stays out later than planned. Last time he was "getting the next train home" at 6pm, 2am I got a call asking me to rescue him as he was stranded in the next village and absolutely plastered

ICantPretend · 28/04/2025 08:44

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/04/2025 05:34

No that would piss me off - he gets to see the friend every couple of weeks, if he wants to go out for three hours can't he be a fucking adult and say he's going out for three hours? Why pretend it's just an hour?!

When you said 'go early we can watch something later when you get back' why couldn't he have said then 'ah no actually I'll be two or three hours so there won't be time'.

This. Mumsnet be crazy sometimes. Of course it's not unreasonable to be annoyed that someone was out for three hours when they clearly said one.

ConnieHeart · 28/04/2025 08:49

YANBU in my opinion. He should have stuck to what he says or let you know it won't just be an hour

Packcold · 28/04/2025 08:51

Popping out for a drink and being back by 10pm seems very reasonable to me.

You can have. Chilled evening without him once in a while.

faerietales · 28/04/2025 08:54

ICantPretend · 28/04/2025 08:44

This. Mumsnet be crazy sometimes. Of course it's not unreasonable to be annoyed that someone was out for three hours when they clearly said one.

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It’s not remotely crazy to think that a grown adult should be allowed to go out for an impromptu few hours without someone getting annoyed with them for it.

He’s an adult, not a teenager with a curfew.

faerietales · 28/04/2025 08:57

Katemax82 · 28/04/2025 08:44

I get pissed off if my husband stays out later than planned. Last time he was "getting the next train home" at 6pm, 2am I got a call asking me to rescue him as he was stranded in the next village and absolutely plastered

That’s hardly comparable to what happened here though. A few drinks on a Sunday night and home by 10pm is normal.

Packcold · 28/04/2025 09:00

It was the going out for an hour that was unreasonable. By the time he's got there and back he'd have what about 40 min with his friend? He should have given a more realistic time to be back, but if OP hangs on to the idea of their precious TV time on Sunday eves you can maybe see why he didn't.

Once in a while a relaxed evening on your own is a precious thing too.

sandyhappypeople · 28/04/2025 09:02

ICantPretend · 28/04/2025 08:44

This. Mumsnet be crazy sometimes. Of course it's not unreasonable to be annoyed that someone was out for three hours when they clearly said one.

Show quote history

Because instead of dictating his evening schedule she should have just said, ‘no problem, no need to rush back, have a good time’

which is what non-controlling husbands/wives do, not make each other feel guilty for spending time with people other than them! And guilt them into rushing back home by having to stick to a pre-arranged time limit, when everyone knows it’s easy to get carried away chatting with mates.

it’s pretty obvious she would have been annoyed if he wanted to go out for three hours, or potentially kicked up a fuss about him going at all, than if he stayed out 2 hours past his “curfew”!

he was always going to be punished for eating into OPs ‘precious Sunday night’.

ClaredeBear · 28/04/2025 09:08

That’s not a long period of time to be out and he wasn’t back terribly late. I don’t understand the impact on you (you’ve not really explained) but in any case, with the kids in bed by that time it must have been nice to have some time to yourself, surely?

Starlight1984 · 28/04/2025 09:08

Brieagain · 28/04/2025 02:34

6pm Sunday evening, kids bath time. DH says " Steves just been in touch. He's back for a few days...are you okay if we go out just for an hour about 7"

Sunday nights are quite precious to me / us as last chance for a peaceful evening before another mad working week. I work full time

Absolutely I say. Go early for an hour then we'll still have time to watch something together later etc

Steve duly arrives and off they go

DH got back 10pm, by which time I was flagging. Our kids are up at 6am so we're generally exhausted by then. He could not understand why I was pissed off

I have said I have no problem at all with them being out all evening it's just about being clear and fair isn't it. Popping out for an hour is not the same as I'm off out all evening . I wouldn't have minded, just be upfront

It sounds so petty now I type it but these are literally our only couple of hours in a day to chill.

Jesus I was expecting to read he was out all night and stumbled in at 5am absolutely shitfaced after going to casinos and strip clubs! 3 hours?!?! Seriously?!

And absolutely nobody goes to meet up with a mate for one hour.

SaladSandwichesForTea · 28/04/2025 09:13

I dont know why anyone felt the need to say it would be for an hour, clearly it was going to be gor the evening.

Totally unfair on him when you get your preferred Sunday evening 99% of the time.

If he's a good family man, you tel him to go and have a great time. Do yu enjoy time alone? I have to say, I protect any time alone like a mad woman - I would have done the jobs earlier so DH can have quality time with the kids, sorted myself a box of chocolates and had a bath and whatever telly I wanted. I would have planned for an evening alone, not planned to drop what I was doing as soon as he got home.

Starlight1984 · 28/04/2025 09:18

PeloMom · 28/04/2025 07:12

I voted as YABU as I can’t imagine a scenario where I’m going out with someone and even if it’s quick coffee I’m back within an hour. It’s simply unrealistic. However, since you added that ‘Steve’ is back every 2 wks for few days, aka he’s there every other week, I would have said not today for the catch up.

I would have said not today for the catch up.

Um.... What???

Tryingtokeepgoing · 28/04/2025 09:24

PopThatBench · 28/04/2025 05:38

Do you listen to Capital radio by any chance? 😂
I was about to comment the exact same thing!

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Haha was about to as well!! With link

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Instagram

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Iceandfire92 · 28/04/2025 09:26

You sound controlling; this is why some men check out of family life and refer to their wives as a "ball and chain"! How do you think single parents cope without 2 parents being present on a Sunday night before work? He hadn't seen his mate in ages and you were trying to control that he sees him for one hour only? I thought you were going to say that it's 4am and he still hasn't returned. You are more than capable of putting the kids to bed. Maintaining friendships in adult life is important, these friends will be there for you long after your children become independent adults and prefer to spend time with their own friends/partners.

Middlechild3 · 28/04/2025 09:26

QuickPeachPoet · 28/04/2025 08:37

Very unreasonable and also a bit controlling. You expect him to be clock watching and counting the minutes while he is meant to be relaxing with a friend just so he can rush back to do…well nothing really.

Spot on, and why should a grown man have to text you updates, reporting in. You knew he was out for a drink with a friend, that's all you needed to know. There's nothing more embarrassing than an adult having to update a partner when they are out.

Spirallingdownwards · 28/04/2025 09:27

My guess is he said an hour because he knows you would have been mardy if he said 3 and decided it was better to just go and have the aggro after rather than before and end up "not being allowed to go".

Marchhare80 · 28/04/2025 11:10

I would honestly be pleased my husband was seeing his friend and pleased to have some quiet time alone.

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/04/2025 14:50

BlondiePortz · 28/04/2025 05:56

Why would he have to say anything surley the OP is grown up enough to get on with her own things and not be sat around waiting for his return?

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Because he said he'd be an hour and he agreed or at least allowed the OP to think he'd be back to watch something with her.

If he'd said he'd be a few hours, didn't know how long etc, then she'd know not to wait around, just get on with her own stuff.

It's this thing called communication... it's quite handy, more effective than just saying one thing and meaning another or letting folk guess.

Marmaladelade · 28/04/2025 18:56

It all sounds very forced and I wonder if your DH sees this “cosy time” like you.

ICanTellYouMissMe · 28/04/2025 18:59

You’ve got every Sunday night for the rest of your lives to sit about doing nothing. What’s the big deal about one??

Valeyard15 · 28/04/2025 19:15

Out at 7, back at 10 is not a 'night out'. I have longer trips to the supermarket.