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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH night out - aibu

115 replies

Brieagain · 28/04/2025 02:34

6pm Sunday evening, kids bath time. DH says " Steves just been in touch. He's back for a few days...are you okay if we go out just for an hour about 7"

Sunday nights are quite precious to me / us as last chance for a peaceful evening before another mad working week. I work full time

Absolutely I say. Go early for an hour then we'll still have time to watch something together later etc

Steve duly arrives and off they go

DH got back 10pm, by which time I was flagging. Our kids are up at 6am so we're generally exhausted by then. He could not understand why I was pissed off

I have said I have no problem at all with them being out all evening it's just about being clear and fair isn't it. Popping out for an hour is not the same as I'm off out all evening . I wouldn't have minded, just be upfront

It sounds so petty now I type it but these are literally our only couple of hours in a day to chill.

OP posts:
Chiseltip · 28/04/2025 06:06

Velmy · 28/04/2025 03:51

Double +1 is the rule.

A pint = 3 pints.

Couple of pints = 5 pints.

Etc.

I like this rule, never heard it before but it makes perfect sense.

I'm using this . .

Moonnstars · 28/04/2025 06:08

YABU. It's not like he went on some wild night out. He was out from 7-10! If I am right all he was missing out on was chill time at home with you? Again it's not like he abandoned you with screaming kids to sort and it's not his fault you chose to do jobs.
You could still have your chill time and chose to watch something he wouldn't normally want to.
Is Sunday night the only night you have together? You mention working full time, does he also work same hours or does he work nights so you alternate childcare? If you see each other other evenings then you are being very OTT.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 28/04/2025 06:11

I voted yanbu because I hate it when DH says he'll be x time, or home by x time and then doesn't. I find it annoying.

But, going out for a few hours of a Sunday evening is fine and I'd have just got on with my evening, no bother.

But I hear you, if he wasn't going to be an hour he should have just said so. I pointed out to my DH that if I told him ill be home by 10pm then not rock up till 2am with no contact he'd be worried and pissed too. He admitted he would be and took my point..

plup · 28/04/2025 06:13

Something tells me you ‘would mind’ if he’d said he was going out for 3 hours. Sorry, OP.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 28/04/2025 06:21

I think YABU in the sense you can just chill on your own, he doesn’t really have to be there every single Sunday evening.

However it pisses me off when people say “1 hour” and it’s 3, 4, 5 hours. Just say you’re not sure ffs.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 28/04/2025 06:33

In that scenario I would have expected an hour to turn into a few more hours. As I one off I would not have minded.

Arniesaxe · 28/04/2025 06:34

He shouldn't have said an hour. Even one drink takes more than an hr in my experience when you factor in getting served at the bar and perhaps finding a table etc. An hr I'd say you can fit coffee at a friend's into perhaps. It was to be at least two hours. Perhaps he used it thinking you'd consider it'd be longer than that, or factoring getting there and back

He should've said he'd be out all evening and then you'd be pleasantly surprised that he wasn't back later than 10pm.

However in his defense considering all of the above I think you were also being unrealistic.

AmusedGoose · 28/04/2025 06:35

Why do you need DH to relax and watch TV? I love an evening alone doing my own thing.

CaptainFuture · 28/04/2025 06:38

AmusedGoose · 28/04/2025 06:35

Why do you need DH to relax and watch TV? I love an evening alone doing my own thing.

Same! Dc in bed... full control over tv and not having to share any snacks I make? Bliss!!

mjf981 · 28/04/2025 06:42

Agree with others - YABU OP. Let this one go.

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 28/04/2025 06:43

Merrygoround8 · 28/04/2025 02:45

When you say back for a few days it sounds like Steve lives away/he doesn’t see him much? Catching up with a friend would take me more than an hour and 10pm is hardly like he’s bowling in at 3am! I think a hour was always ambitious - by the time they’ve gone, ordered a drink, sat down, it’s almost time to head home again!

Why can’t you chill by yourself a couple hours? Bath, film, snacks? He comes home and off to bed if you’re flagging.

Unless some huge backstory - cut him some slack. I would want the same if I was out for just a few hours with a mate and home by 10pm.

This. These evenings sound more precious to you than to him. It's ok to break the routine sometimes for something like a friend coming back for a few days. I don't get people who can't seem to chill without their oh. You should have got something nice to eat and enjoyed having control of the remote

RosesAndHellebores · 28/04/2025 06:43

My time: 6pm means 5.59pm
Back at three means: back at 2.59pm

DH's time: 6pm means about 7.30p.
Back at 7pm, means Back between 9pm and 10pm.

If I need him at a specific time, I have to be very explicit and send a text reminder. I always tell him a bit earlier than I need him. Punctuality is NOT an issue in his working life. It annoys me that family time has never been as valued as professional time.

However @Brieagain I think you were a bit unreasonable. An hour for a drink with a friend isn't long enough. It needs two hours plus the getting there and getting back, he left well before closing, wasn't drunk and home before bed time. He didn't do what he said but it's one of those where what is said is never going to be reality.

Jshrbt · 28/04/2025 06:46

if he normally says an hour is it only an hour? DH and I established early on it’s never just an hour and better to be upfront about that

Looneytune253 · 28/04/2025 06:47

I think the thing is, would you have given him grief or huffiness if he had originally said he would be gone for a few hours? That might go some way to explaining why he might downplay what's happening. You're being a bit weird snd controlling tbh. If he goes out, just chill and relax. Doesn't seem like he's out all the time

jeaux90 · 28/04/2025 06:47

You should have just used the time for yourself, had a nice bath, early night etc YABU

IamnotSethRogan · 28/04/2025 06:49

Do you think he said an hour (and possibly meant it when he said it) and he knows that you wouldn't like him going out due to how you feel about Sunday evenings ?

Honestly it don't think staying out until 10 pm is at all a big deal.

Littlemisscapable · 28/04/2025 06:50

Powderblue1 · 28/04/2025 03:31

I think going out for an hour is a universal term and never means an hour. I don’t think your DH was unreasonable to see his friend for a 3 hour catch up. Don’t you enjoy an evening by yourself OP?

This. Plans change. Don't worry about it.

rwalker · 28/04/2025 07:02

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/04/2025 05:34

No that would piss me off - he gets to see the friend every couple of weeks, if he wants to go out for three hours can't he be a fucking adult and say he's going out for three hours? Why pretend it's just an hour?!

When you said 'go early we can watch something later when you get back' why couldn't he have said then 'ah no actually I'll be two or three hours so there won't be time'.

Because my bet is OP would of given him shit for it

DustyLee123 · 28/04/2025 07:04

Going off my experience with DH, if he says he’s popping out for an hour in the evening, that means he’ll be back after closing time.

Cornishclio · 28/04/2025 07:08

I don’t think I would ever tell my husband how much time he could spend with a friend if he doesn’t see him that often. I am perfectly happy to spend an evening alone though even when we had young children and I was working. YABU

Jinglejanglenamechanged25 · 28/04/2025 07:09

How often do you go out with your friends OP? Feel like the annoyance is due to an imbalance.

PeloMom · 28/04/2025 07:12

I voted as YABU as I can’t imagine a scenario where I’m going out with someone and even if it’s quick coffee I’m back within an hour. It’s simply unrealistic. However, since you added that ‘Steve’ is back every 2 wks for few days, aka he’s there every other week, I would have said not today for the catch up.

Ellie1015 · 28/04/2025 07:13

Nobody ever goes out for one hour, it is a euphemism for 2-3 hours. You shouldn't have hung around waiting for him. As long as he isn't constantly missing Sunday evenings (if they are important) then I would be happy for him to catch up with friend.

SallyWD · 28/04/2025 07:20

PeloMom · 28/04/2025 07:12

I voted as YABU as I can’t imagine a scenario where I’m going out with someone and even if it’s quick coffee I’m back within an hour. It’s simply unrealistic. However, since you added that ‘Steve’ is back every 2 wks for few days, aka he’s there every other week, I would have said not today for the catch up.

Blimey, you'd have said "not today"? Are you his mum? My DH doesn't have to get my permission to see a friend. If he wants to see a friend, he can and vice versa. Obviously it's a different issue if your partner is out every night but this doesn't seem to be the case.
It's not like OP and her DH had any plans, apart from watching TV.

Citycathedral · 28/04/2025 07:25

I agree with you, OP, why say an hour when you don’t mean an hour? My DH does it with golf, and I pull him up on it every time! I have no problem if he’s popping to the range or playing 18 holes, by don’t say ‘an hour’ if you know it’s going to be longer than that!