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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL favours daughters children

120 replies

elderlyparentshelp · 27/04/2025 22:32

A situation arose today which made me realise MIL really favours spending time with her daughter’s children over mine. Ive known this for a while, but today really shone a light on it.

I’ve read a few threads on here and it seems this is fairly common (although was absolutely not the case for me growing up, I was really close to my dad’s mum and she never differentiated between GC, so has come as a bit of a shock to me).

So if you’ve been in this situation with your MIL, what did you do? I’m torn between asking DH to have a conversation with her / making even more effort on our part to go visit her OR going in the opposite direction and accepting I can’t change her and so need to change my own expectations. My children are all under 6, so we have years of this still to go and I’d really appreciate some advice from others further ahead.

No big back story, we all get on well (at least I’m not aware of any issues), but MIL has alluded in the past to mothers being closer to their daughters children etc.

It probably hurts more as my own mother is terminally ill, so can’t be the type of granny she would want to be - MIL knows this and yet it hasn’t resulted in any more engagement with my DC.

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 27/04/2025 22:36

MN clearly views the maternal grandmother, in fact the whole maternal family, as superior to the paternal family. When a man marries he is expected to cut himself off from his lifelong family in favour of her family, so it's hardly surprising that problems like you're experiencing happen.

onceuponacloud96 · 27/04/2025 22:43

I have experienced this.

We both have DC, both girls, 11 months a part in age. SIL lives in Australia, we live up the road yet she's spent way more time with the other GC. It's like our DD is inadequate because she was grown in my womb vs her daughters lol. It is very sad and used to make me very angry.

You will never ever change this behaviour. So you either have to suck it up and ignore it (like I have chosen to do for my DH sake) or go NC. The only thing I wouldn't tolerate is blatant favoritism in front of my DD. But where other GC lives on the other side of the world, it isn't an issue.

HarpSnail · 27/04/2025 22:46

But what’s your problem with it, exactly? Would it be an issue if your DH’s sister didn’t have children? I mean, is it that you’d like her to see far more of your children, or it’s only an issue because she’s more involved with your nieces/nephews?

wafflesmgee · 27/04/2025 22:47

i am sorry about your mum, that must be really hard and also part of you processing that will make you react more strongly towards the behaviour of your MIL
you need to accept it, you can’t change her unfortunately. Make peace with it and make sure you break the cycle with your own grandchildren/when you are the MIL

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2025 22:49

You haven’t given any examples at all of what actually happens.

theresbeautyinwindysun · 28/04/2025 07:37

You don’t have to ‘do’ anything. I had this. It’s annoying but surely going to see her even more is madness.

DenholmElliot11 · 28/04/2025 07:40

A situation arose today which made me realise MIL really favours spending time with her daughter’s children over mine. Ive known this for a while, but today really shone a light on it.

What happened?

Placeon · 28/04/2025 07:42

JudgeJ · 27/04/2025 22:36

MN clearly views the maternal grandmother, in fact the whole maternal family, as superior to the paternal family. When a man marries he is expected to cut himself off from his lifelong family in favour of her family, so it's hardly surprising that problems like you're experiencing happen.

Absolutely agree with this.

Constant view that ‘this is not your family only your DH’s’.

Inlaws treat appallingly.

Can't have it both ways.

Fraaances · 28/04/2025 07:42

This is one of those situations where you will be happier when you adjust your expectations. I'm sorry she's a disappointment, but you can't force this relationship to go in the way you want.

Dinosaurshoebox · 28/04/2025 07:42

How much effort does your DH put into his Mum?
How much did you include her? From pregnancy to infancy etc.

I find on MN DILs want the result of a wonderful relationship but don't put in to achievie one

Flightfromhell · 28/04/2025 07:46

You don't need to do anything - it's shitty but I wouldn't draw attention to it. People like who they like - forcing it on someone won't change this. Also I'd want to play it down with my kids - let them build their relationship with their GP - they'll make up their own minds.

Tourmalines · 28/04/2025 07:46

JudgeJ · 27/04/2025 22:36

MN clearly views the maternal grandmother, in fact the whole maternal family, as superior to the paternal family. When a man marries he is expected to cut himself off from his lifelong family in favour of her family, so it's hardly surprising that problems like you're experiencing happen.

Good point .

Dramatic · 28/04/2025 07:47

What happened specifically?

DeathStare · 28/04/2025 07:50

It's very hard to give advice without knowing what specifically is happening.

Amateurs10 · 28/04/2025 07:51

Flightfromhell · 28/04/2025 07:46

You don't need to do anything - it's shitty but I wouldn't draw attention to it. People like who they like - forcing it on someone won't change this. Also I'd want to play it down with my kids - let them build their relationship with their GP - they'll make up their own minds.

This.
Adjust your expectations and excepting this reality will be better in the long run for you all.

Sadly some women spend years wasted on trying to change what they can't.

I accept this must be very painful with your mums illness.

Mind yourself.

Roselilly36 · 28/04/2025 07:53

Not always the case, my late MIL absolutely adored her grandsons, no different from her daughter’s grandchildren. But I am really sorry favouritism he always hard no wonder your upset.

DaisyChain505 · 28/04/2025 07:53

It’s an animalistic trait for mothers to be closer to their own daughter’s children. Their own blood has carried that baby yet when their son has a child it is essentially a stranger carrying the baby. It’s just natural instincts.

Stop seeing it as a competition and comparing yourself and your children.

Just because she’s closer with her daughter and her daughter’s children doesn’t mean she doesn’t love yours.

Focus on the good and let it go.

user1492757084 · 28/04/2025 07:55

Give some examples, Op.
It could be just the ages of the kids, how often the other grandies see MIL.

My DIL includes us so much and her own mother is lovely too.
It helps that all grandparents like and respect each other and appreciate that, at times, all kids show favouratism or special connection to a particlular grandparent.
What you notice might be naturally generated by your SIL's children. Your children will form their ties. Encourage time with both sets of GP often.

MyLegoHair · 28/04/2025 07:58

I can see that on average mothers and daughters will spend more time together than mothers and sons or mil's and dil's, therefore the dynamic grows that maternal grandparents spend more time with those GC. That's on average across the population though - clearly with your sil in Australia this doesn't happen naturally in your case, it is a choice by your mil. But this mother-daughter tendancy does mean the norm/expectation/general culture/however you want to put it is set up to slightly naturally favour daughter's children. That said, despite this maybe being the context, there is no excuse really for GPs to use that as an excuse to actively choose to favour sets of GC, that's just being unreasonable.

I was in the slightly less favoured set of GC, although with my maternal GM... Actually I don't think it was us (I hope not!), I think it was her slightly favouring her eldest daughter (my aunt) over her younger daughter (my mum). So it's not always a daughter vs son/dil thing. My Nan was amazing actually, but people are imperfect and don't always think through the wider effects of their actions.

usererror57 · 28/04/2025 07:59

I agree to a certain extent it’s an animalistic trait - if you think about it since a woman is born with all the eggs she’ll ever have then in effect you start life inside your grandmother - there is a biological/genetic link there which someone else’s daughter just doesn’t have. Not saying it right or justifying behaviour though.

ssd · 28/04/2025 07:59

Its because your own mum is ill. Im so sorry about that. You naturally are looking to your MIL to realise the situation and step up a bit. And she hasn't/wont.

Im sorry op. Id distance myself a bit, for my own sanity.

LadyQuackBeth · 28/04/2025 08:00

Are you sure none of this is under your control, that SIL doesn't call her mum more or make more effort with her than DH?

I'm sorry to hear about your mum, but I would try not to read anything into that. I have lovely ILs but they backed off when my dad was terminally ill, assuming we'd want to spend our time with him instead for a while.

Lanzarotelady · 28/04/2025 08:01

What actually happened?

Is your view not clouded because of the situation with your mum?

Radra · 28/04/2025 08:02

My MIL is like this. And it absolutely isn't that DH is distant from her or doesn't call her. It's totally her preference and she even articulates it as just the way it is.

I take the point of view that there isn't any point in trying to change how she feels but we do articulate clearly that we love her, miss her, enjoy spending time with her. I think that works better than trying to make comparisons. Because the truth is that she has always favoured her daughter and always will.

sunshineandshowers40 · 28/04/2025 08:04

I don't think there is anything you can do. I think grandparents sometimes prefer their daughters children as they spend more time with the daughter and therefore the grandchildren.

I would probably not see them as much if she is obviously favouring her daughter's children. What is she actually doing? Is it obvious when you are all together?

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