MIL favours daughters children

[elderlyparentshelp]

A situation arose today which made me realise MIL really favours spending time with her daughter’s children over mine. Ive known this for a while, but today really shone a light on it.

I’ve read a few threads on here and it seems this is fairly common (although was absolutely not the case for me growing up, I was really close to my dad’s mum and she never differentiated between GC, so has come as a bit of a shock to me).

So if you’ve been in this situation with your MIL, what did you do? I’m torn between asking DH to have a conversation with her / making even more effort on our part to go visit her OR going in the opposite direction and accepting I can’t change her and so need to change my own expectations. My children are all under 6, so we have years of this still to go and I’d really appreciate some advice from others further ahead.

No big back story, we all get on well (at least I’m not aware of any issues), but MIL has alluded in the past to mothers being closer to their daughters children etc.

It probably hurts more as my own mother is terminally ill, so can’t be the type of granny she would want to be - MIL knows this and yet it hasn’t resulted in any more engagement with my DC.

It’s about the closeness of the relationship of your husband with his parents. You don’t mention FiL?
If DC are seen as women’s work, then she is going to be closer to her DD than to you and therefore to the GDC.

Your DH needs to put the work in, seeing his dad and his mum and building the connection.

We have experienced this situation op.

With us there is a long backstory.

I haven’t done anything. Dh afaiaw has spoken to them, but nothing has changed.

We don’t see them anymore. There hasn’t been any big confrontation, but I put up with 10 years of their bs and I couldn’t stand it anymore so now I completely avoid them.

I’ve posted on mumsnet in the past and spoken to friends about them and the consensus I always seem to get is that yes, they do clearly favour their other grandchildren, but that it’s normal because it’s their daughter.

Is daughters DCs older - I def think first born DGC is ‘special’ to much of the family. It’s a fact first borns are more likely to be CEOs etc as adults -due to more praise and attention growing up imv.
If yours are under 6 that is a disadvantage as they are more tiring and less biddable but as a DGM I try to treat all DGCs the same. Perhaps as yours get older they will get more input.

I think some of it is just natural closeness - you might talk to your own mother about all the gory details of birth and its aftermath while you might not be quite so open with MIL and not want to discuss your sore nipples and four week lochia with her. And so it goes from there - not a purposeful thing, it just happens. You can talk to your own daughter more about the ins and outs of parenting than you would to a DIL, for example, who might feel that you were criticising or slighting her mothering, when your own daughter would just laugh and tell you how old fashioned you were.

My own DM loved my DBs children far more than she did mine, but we lived 350 miles away while she helped to care for DBs kids. She naturally saw more of them and felt closer to them, it wasn't done on purpose (although sometimes it would make me grind my teeth when I'd hear, at length, about their achievements).

This is very common, usually because it's easier interacting with your own child than an in-law. There's less offence taken when it's your own mum telling you you're holding the baby wrong or trying to give the 4 month old a bit of baby rice. It's not personal, she's probably just more comfortable with her daughter and by extension feels closer to her daughter's kids because she can do/has done more with them. It might be different if sons were primary caregivers and the child gatekeepers, but I've not seen that happen.

Is she closer to the grandchildren or closer to her daughter?

My children are older now but when they were young I would visit my mum every week or fortnight. Therefore she would see the children very regularly.

DH visits his mum every couple of months at most so MIL sees much less of the children.

It's a DH thing not a favouring the grandchildren thing. I wouldn't go and visit MIL without DH and it's upto him to organise it.

I wouldn’t put myself or my DC in situations where we would feel like 2nd class citizens. I’d put in equal to what they were giving us. I would back off and let them come to you.

They reap what is sown. My mil now has to face facts that as much as she was rather uninterested when they where younger the teens are voting with their feet and she is not someone they are overly fussed about seeing and if given the option will 9/10 pick to not come to their events.

My dh did mention to his mum his feelings on this when they where younger and it got him nowhere I now just sat back and don’t make my children be preforming monkeys when they suddenly want to put on a fake image.

Mil is very shocked face that her grandchildren are not bothered about her though.

Did you get on well with your MIL before you had kids?

Having been through this myself, I would advise to let it go with your MIL as I'm afraid things will never change. Maintain the relationship as best you can, but accept that she just feels closer to her daughter's children.

However, and IMPORTANTLY, do not let this affect your relationship with SIL, nieces and nephews. I made the mistake of withdrawing somewhat from the family in general when the favouritism was so obvious, but lost some closeness to my DP's siblings and nieces/nephews as a result. Now we are older, and PIL have passed, I regret that as of course, none of the problem was due to them.

My parents adored my brother’s children but spent very little time with mine. My nephews were given weekly pocket money and regular trips out - I live 50 miles from my parents so they gave that as their excuse for not seeing my two sons.

As a result my sons never knew the joy of real grandparents - my in-laws were deceased - and never had a bond with them. My parents are both gone now and are no loss in my sons lives. I don’t know why some grandparents go down this track while others have a big enough heart for everyone.

In our case it wasn’t even about her having to say spend time with me.

It was having one on one days with the grandchildren or invites for granny dinner time, a I’ll pick you up once a week from school for icecream trips, those all went to dh’s sisters children as soon as they where born our children’s invites dried up.

What did she actually do? It’s difficult to know whether you’re overreacting or not…

In dh's family - he was the Golden Child - I'm not sure how that translates into the way Mil treats her GC. I don't get the feeling that she is particularly fond of any of them - although I know there's one she doesn't like due to his difficult behaviour. She doesn't do gifts - we are well off, so she doesn't see the need to give money, sil isn't well off, so she gives her kids pocket money but she doesn't like one of them. She played board games with the kids when they were young - that was it.
Neither set of GPs were ever particularly caring or involved, my Dad asked about the dog more than the kids. I'd say they were very much take it or leave it - but they'd probably be surprised if they heard me say that.

Does your MIL see both sets of grandchildren on their own, without their parents present? Do both your DH and your SIL make equal effort to arrange meetups? Do you have equal home circumstances, ie SIL isn't a struggling lone parent or battling illness or anything?

If yes to all the above then I wouldn't bother trying to change her as she's just biased. But if you think some of the above are not true then your DH isn't pulling his weight in arranging things, or isn't investing as much in the relationship with his mum as his sister does. He could step up if he wants to. Perhaps if your MIL has a stronger relationship with her daughter than her son she just sees her daughter more, which is fair enough, and the grandchildren happen to be there too. It's actually her daughter she's meeting iyswim.

I agree with the points above that in the absences of any examples from the op, the likelihood is (namalt) in his twenties your husband prioritised doing his own hobbies whilst his sister kindly phoned their mum once a week to listen to her. As a result, their mother prefers seeing her daughter.

“I find on MN DILs want the result of a wonderful relationship but don't put in to achieve one”

This. I am a MIL - my son calls me once in a blue moon; if I text my DIL she will reply and sometimes send photos. My DD, on the other hand, phones at least twice a week and comes to see me when she can - we certainly don’t live in each other’s pockets (both live a fair distance away) and I know my DIL is very close to her own mother, which I completely understand - but you can’t have it both ways.

This is absolute rubbish and just reinforces this narrative about MILs that you see on here.

We've evolved far past the days of being animals. My own MIL is absolutely wonderful and is exceptionally close to my son and my BILs children too. She took enormous care and interest in my pregnancy and I was not in "essence a stranger" to her at all but a much loved member of the family. I was also very close to my grandmother who was my dad's mum. We never treated unfavourably to anyone else.

I'm sorry OP for what has happened to you.

Sometimes (not always of course) this is because the daughter in law’s causes uncomfortable atmospheres, and we see it on here all the time, the petty things that upset them. It is quite natural to be closer to your daughter than daughter in law, and naturally that extends to the GC.

@DaisyChain505
Surely, we try and put the ‘animalistic’ feelings behind us? Male lions deliberately kill the non biologically related baby lions of any female lionesses they come into contact with. This is so they can impregnate her and put her focus on protecting his genes. It is an evolutionary characteristic. In fact, it is a common feature of many animal groups. Humans are capable of reasoned behaviour . We would be appalled if a man killed the offspring of single mothers he became involved with. ( It does happen though). We believe very strongly, particularly on MN, that we are capable of overcoming biology and behaving rationally and with compassion.
Some women have their major relationship with their mothers. I see mothers at toddler groups who are always with their own mums. They go everywhere together and their lives are completely enmeshed. I feel sorry for the fathers who are pushed out and made to feel like an unwanted intruder instead of a parent.
It is also a biological trait that women feel animosity to any non blood related woman in their family group. It is so common on here for women to express dislike of stepdaughters, MILS and SILS. The wicked step mother is stereotype for a reason.
We expect men to overcome their evolutionary training and be involved and hands on parents. It is hoped that women can overcome their evolutionary training and accept non biologically related women in the family group.
My MIL very obviously preferred her daughter’s children However my FIL insisted on equal treatment . By the end of her life she had softened enormously and she was a proud and loving grandmother to our children.
In an ideal world, men will learn to be equal and hands on parents and women will learn to accept step children and MILS and Sils. Surely we don’t want the behaviour of the male lion, to justify women insisting on their mothers being the primary grandmother and to not allow her husband’s family to be involved in grandchildren’s lives.

I was never the favoured grandchild by my paternal parents, they could have put more effort in but to be fair I grew up at the opposite end of the country to them and my cousins lived just down the road from our GPs.

As an adult/teenager it irritated me but their favouritism has not adversely affected my life.

We’ve got this as well. In our case it’s actually DH’s brother’s kids who are the favoured grandchildren, even though he also has a sister. Most recently my parents in law cancelled attending my DC1’s birthday a couple of hours beforehand because they were with DH’s brother and kids (who were too young to attend). When we’ve raised it with them they just deny deny deny so I’ve decided not to bother. My children are worth more.

It can be very easy to be closer to a daughter’s children than a son’s children. As others have said about a son not keeping in contact, there are also things you want to share and who you want to share things with.

So when you’re pregnant, your going to tell you’re own mum how rubbish you’re feeling because how she coped will probably work for you, rather than what your MIL did because you share half your genetic makeup with your mum. Then maybe there’s something personal that you feel more comfortable sharing with your mum, maybe the lightning crotch or how suddenly you hate your husband. These aren’t really things that most people would say to their MIL.

After you’ve had the baby, maybe you’re trying to establish breastfeeding and you’re much more comfortable being half naked in front of your mum than your MIL. You are also in a new phase of life, it’s natural (if you have a good relationship with your mum) to seek her advice. You may also be having a longer recovery, you’re tired, you aren’t feeling your best and there’s a natural thing of still wanting your mum. So that closeness is already established as the baby is only a few weeks old.

Sometimes a MIL is only going to be interested in her daughter’s children and sometimes it’s because she’s just more involved in her daughter’s life. You have mentioned needing to include her more. So I would look at it and evaluate are you putting the same effort in as you would with your mum if she were in a position to engage more. If not, how can you include MIL more? Then are you as engaged as your SIL? Do you want to be? If your SIL is massively involved with your MIL and you and DH don’t want that, then she won’t be as close to your kids. If you can be that involved, then DH needs to do more to involve his mum more (I don't believe it’s your job to manage his relationship with his own mother, especially when you are losing yours). It’s not a quick fix. He can’t just engage her with her for a month and suddenly expect her to be equally as close to your kids. You’re going to have to give it probably a year of engaging to the level that SIL is and assess if she’s just more interested in SIL kids or if she just doesn’t have the same engagement. If after a year she’s genuinely just interested in her daughter’s children, then don’t bother. You won’t change it.

@Zanatdy. When you speak of ‘natural’ you are referring to evolutionary traits like the male lion killing young lions not biologically related to them. There are so many violent traits in human that could be described as natural but most people believe that humans are better than that and We are capable of changing our behaviour in line with modern values.
You might just as easily describe a man dealing with conflict with his fists as ‘natural’. Or a man impregnating as many women as possible to spread his genes as ‘natural’. There are so many evolutionary traits that are now quite unacceptable. Surely, we can also expect women to embrace stepdaughters and MILS( even a puppy, another current thread) without feeling jealous?
Putting selfish behaviour down to being ‘ natural’ is dangerous and unacceptable.

I come from a culture where sons are meant to be the ones that take on caring for the family. So this isn't 'natural' as much as cultural. In the UK, women do families hence they are closer to the maternal line. Elsewhere men do that, so paternal grandparents are closer.