MIL favours daughters children

[elderlyparentshelp]

A situation arose today which made me realise MIL really favours spending time with her daughter’s children over mine. Ive known this for a while, but today really shone a light on it.

I’ve read a few threads on here and it seems this is fairly common (although was absolutely not the case for me growing up, I was really close to my dad’s mum and she never differentiated between GC, so has come as a bit of a shock to me).

So if you’ve been in this situation with your MIL, what did you do? I’m torn between asking DH to have a conversation with her / making even more effort on our part to go visit her OR going in the opposite direction and accepting I can’t change her and so need to change my own expectations. My children are all under 6, so we have years of this still to go and I’d really appreciate some advice from others further ahead.

No big back story, we all get on well (at least I’m not aware of any issues), but MIL has alluded in the past to mothers being closer to their daughters children etc.

It probably hurts more as my own mother is terminally ill, so can’t be the type of granny she would want to be - MIL knows this and yet it hasn’t resulted in any more engagement with my DC.

This is a common experience. My MIL does this, probably inadvertently, and it's hard. Makes me glad to only have boys so I won't have this temptation with my own grandchildren!

Babies are still completely equally related to both the grandmothers. I look just like my paternal grandmother but nothing like my maternal one. Equally close to them both.

I understand being closer to your own mum in pregnancy or whatever but once babies are born that shouldn’t extend onto the grandchildren.

Does she prefer her daughter’s children or does she prefer her DD to her DIL? Because the latter is obviously normal and reasonable.

I think ‘apologists’ for ‘it’s only natural’ is selfish and dangerous and suggests accepting other ‘natural’ behaviour. Do these women think that men should not be involved in childcare etc?
Statistically, most men return to work during the early years of his children’s lives. Women are more likely to work part time. It is harder for men to have the time to have the same level of contact with his parents. Statistically, women are more likely to give up work to act as carers for their own parents and depend on financial support from husbands and partners. It is changing. Discouraging men from maintaining emotional relationships with his own birth family, trains men to turn their backs on other close relationships. The women who deliberately discourage their partners from having loving relationships with their own family, profess to be shocked when their husbands leave for new partners. It is not healthy for men. It is not healthy for families.

Is your husband as close to his mother as his sister is? Does see and speak to her, visit and invite her over as frequently? He’s the one responsible for fostering the relationship between his mother and children. It’s primarily the relationship between him and his mother that will set the relationship between her and your children.

Some men offload all family responsibilities to their wives, who unthinkingly pick up the slack. And some women equally unthinkingly load on all family expectations to their MIL, Is your husband’s father around? If so what’s his relationship with the children like, that’s equally important.

My own daughter has a great relationship with her in laws. In fact, they spend far more time with the grandchildren that I do because they live far away and visits are longer. But this in entirely down to my son in law making the effort with his parents. That effort includes looking after them when they come to stay for weeks at a time. You can’t change your MIL but you can change your husband - tell him you’d like your children to be closer to his family and see what he can do to make that happen.

I’m 62 years of age with two adult kids. I experienced the same sort of thing. Believe me it’s not worth pondering. Get on with your life, love your kids and accept that some things in life just happen. It becomes very irrelevant over time.

The problem probably lies in her relationship with your husband.

It’s impossible to unpick without specifics. It may be that she feels more able to give advice to her daughter so feels more involved; she may prefer to spend time with her daughter so sees more of the kids by extension; her daughter may feel more comfortable asking her mother for help so she feels more useful; the kids might be older so easier to manage or be more interesting.

It could be she favours her daughter’s kids, or it might just be how circumstances play out. Without specifics it’s difficult to know.

It’s an animalistic trait for mothers to be closer to their own daughter’s children. Their own blood has carried that baby yet when their son has a child it is essentially a stranger carrying the baby. It’s just natural instincts.
This is really bizarre. I have a daughter and a son. If either of them have their own children in the future I can't imagine feeling any differently about DS's children than DD's. PIL are just as close to my children as my DH's sisters same as my parents, same as my parents are as close to my children as to my brother's. And on thst side my brother's MIL cares the same for her DD's children as her DS's.

I've never seen this narrative of women being closer to their GC via their daughters than the ones via their sons in real life. It's not something to just be accepted as "natural".

There might be a load of reasons why those relationships haven't been established but lazily writing it off as just how it is isn't helping.

My late mother in law was blatant in her favouritism too. Became glaringly obvious when one Christmas,she had brought son 1 gift. Nothing wrong with that. Except she wanted us to bring our gifts to him to open there as she had brought nephew a mountain of gifts and it would look very obvious his one gift to nephew's mountain. Never quite forgave her for that. She would also dig about trying to find out how much we would be spending on our son's gifts which was a bit weird 😒 This was almost 25 years ago and it still annoys me and I wish I said something at the time 😞

Favouritism is still going strong with father in law and daughter. We've distanced ourselves now, quite literally,and once he dies,will probably go NC with sister in law etc.

I was uber close to my maternal grandmother, who lived in England, while I grew up in Spain. My relationship with my paternal grandmother was more distant, and we lived 600 km away. She was closer to her two daughters´children, my cousins. I only started to notice as a teen, when I started to make an effort to go and see her and it wasn´t dependent on my father. I never said anything but I did feel it. Many decades later I was in conversation with another paternal aunt, and we were chatting about something related to my grandmother and she looked me square in the eye and came out with "your grandmother did love you, you know". It was the first time someone mentioned this aloud, I was nearly 50. Then she opened her purse and took out a pouch and inside was my grandmother´s engagement ring, which she had got when she died. She gave it to me, so I could have a significant memento, as my other cousins had enough. So someone else had noticed I had noticed.
Don´t sweat it OP, you can´t change it.

It’s an animalistic trait for mothers to be closer to their own daughter’s children. Their own blood has carried that baby yet when their son has a child it is essentially a stranger carrying the baby. It’s just natural instincts.

This. And speaking from similar experience (absent mother for different reasons), I think it might be your grief about not having your mum around that makes this whole thing a ‘problem’? If you didn’t feel that absence, you wouldn’t be bothered about anyone filling it. I’m years down the line and what’s helped is just focusing on myself and my family, my grief process, what I need, and what’s right for my DC. Detaching from needing things to be fulfilled by family who aren’t capable, and looking elsewhere.

I also have the favouritism game with my PIL, though with mine they strongly favour boys, so my son is the favourite over their granddaughters. (Deeply ingrained sexism). I lightly pull them up on it when I can, and from my son’s perspective I don’t pander to it or bring any attention to it, because I think it’s as damaging to be the favourite as it is to be the unfavoured (also speaking from experience as a favourite child).

Your DC will soon pick up on the weird dynamics from others. Mine certainly has without any help from me, but now he’s older we discuss the dissonance and unfairness openly when he raises it.

Putting selfish behaviour down to being ‘ natural’ is dangerous and unacceptable.

Not really - understanding that the instincts are natural lessens the shame and effort around trying to be something different. Just bringing attention to impulses and feelings (our own and others’) in a non-shaming way can help us pause and take the action that’s right for us and the group.

In what way does she favour the grandchildren?

More childcare likely because daughter closer and asks. Get dh ask for the odd bit of help you might need.

More time? Perhaps mother closer to sil than your dh so spends more time there. Do they have a relationship where the pop in to each other's houses but mil and dh do not?

If when all together she gives lots more attention to sil's children than yours or buys sweets for some and not others then I would distance from her. For the first two scenarios it is being closer to her own dd than dil which is not unusual.

I think daughters often find it easier to ask mum/dad for help as opposed to asking PIL. Obviously if you have awful parents and lovely PIL then it wont be the same.

Yes my PILs devote an awful lot of time to their daughters and their DC but little time to my DH and to our DC. My parents provide more childcare help than PIL do, despite the inlaws living 15 mins away from us and my parents 4.5 hrs away.

@DaisyChain505
Do you really believe that ‘animalistic’ traits are acceptable? If you excuse this behaviour you are excusing other so called ‘natural’ behaviour. Do you believe that men should not do childcare, that they should impregnate as many women as possible, that they should dispose of offspring from a partner’s previous relationship? I am sure that you do not accept animalistic behaviour in real life so why try to use it as a justification for excluding a father’s birth family? It is selfish behaviour designed to cause rifts and conflict. I hope most women are better than that. In fact I am sure most women are decent and compassionate and don’t excuse unkind behaviour as ‘animalistic’.

Just coming from this at a different POV.

My mum has three grandchildren and I truly believes she sees them as equal and loves them all the same. My two are 17&14yrs and my niece is 10mnths.

From speaking to my mum, she said she has never been afraid to tell me her thoughts on parenting or what my kids should or shouldn't be doing. As I have been a single parent they have been very hands on.

With my niece, she has my brother and my SIL. We all have a good relationship with my SIL but my Mum would say as a MIL she's desperately trying not to be one of "those MILs", so she would never speak to my SIL the way she does to me for fear that she would offend or upset SIL, even when she doesn't agree with there parenting she keeps it to herself. I suppose she does treat us differently but its not coming from a bad place either.

Yes we’ve had this and it’s fucking awful 😡 I have so many examples, far too many to tell. Do something about it now or it will fester continuously as the years go by. The worst part for me was when my eldest 2 realised it for themselves when they were about 12 years old (5 years apart). I just let it go but talked to dc about it, we’d roll eyes together etc. One of my biggest regrets is not calling it out at the time.

we have a lot of kids and therefore grandchildren in family - I think if I paid attention to this stuff then I'd go crazy - if you want your kids to have a relationship with her make the effort to see her. If you don't = then don't do anything extra.
It's likely the relationship is with her daughter over than you and the grandchildren are an extension of this but its not uncommon.

These things are often down to the relationship between DH and his mum. If MIL is in contact with her daughter more, spends more time with her etc then she is likely to have a closer relationship with her and her children. How often does your DH call his mum/spend time with her? Does he invest in that relationship the same as your SIL does?

My DH takes our two children over to his parents every other weekend. They get to spend two days with our children and be involved in bedtime etc. and so have a lovely, close relationship with my DH and our kids.

They’re no closer to our children than his sister’s children, because DH makes the effort and invests time in that relationship.

For my family it works both ways, my inlaws have 0 to do with my kids and favour their daughters. So they're now closer to my side.
But my sil has the caring responsibilities for them. So it evens out.

Does your DH also think his mother favours his sister's children?
If so, is he hurt by it, like you?

So what was the situation that arose that made this favouritism so obvious?

MiL favoured her dd's children over ours and Bil's. It was very obvious. But because ours were the youngest, I'd already seen the favouritsm play out & wasn't expecting anything else.

I am one of 5 siblings and mum had different relationships with each of her dgc. Some stronger than others.

It depended on two things. How much quality time they spend with the dgc, especially alone to bond, and how comfortable they feel with their in-law (daugher and son in law) .

Her strongest bond was with my brothers dc who she minded regularly when younger, was comfortable around his wife, and she went out with them on family days out.

She wasn't particularly close to my ds as she was older and not as fit when I had him, so she never spent time much alone with him. That was just circumstances and I never took it personally.

If you want them to develop close bonds with your children, you, or more importantly your dh needs to put the work in by spending quality time together. It doesn't just happen.

Can you give some examples?

It’s difficult, because I don’t think you can force someone to change their preference, but you can absolutely call them out on if it they do it in a way that your DC notice themselves.

If it’s about your MIL spending more time with your SIL’s kids, then you can’t really do anything about it and I think you just need to accept it and move on.
If she is actually treating your DC differently when SIL’s kids are around, I’d talk to your DH about it and see if he can talk to your MIL.