MIL favours daughters children

[elderlyparentshelp]

A situation arose today which made me realise MIL really favours spending time with her daughter’s children over mine. Ive known this for a while, but today really shone a light on it.

I’ve read a few threads on here and it seems this is fairly common (although was absolutely not the case for me growing up, I was really close to my dad’s mum and she never differentiated between GC, so has come as a bit of a shock to me).

So if you’ve been in this situation with your MIL, what did you do? I’m torn between asking DH to have a conversation with her / making even more effort on our part to go visit her OR going in the opposite direction and accepting I can’t change her and so need to change my own expectations. My children are all under 6, so we have years of this still to go and I’d really appreciate some advice from others further ahead.

No big back story, we all get on well (at least I’m not aware of any issues), but MIL has alluded in the past to mothers being closer to their daughters children etc.

It probably hurts more as my own mother is terminally ill, so can’t be the type of granny she would want to be - MIL knows this and yet it hasn’t resulted in any more engagement with my DC.

This is awful I'm so sorry we experienced this but it was actually my mother that was the problem. :( my sister is the favorite child and so her children are the favorite also
🙄 when we used to chat she would talk non stop about them and pretty much ignore anything mine were doing pay for them to have swimming lessons etc and not mine I'm not in contact with her anymore actually I wasn't going to have my kids growing up feeling like they are second best like I always did.

Your children are still young. Is it more that your MIL plans days out with her daughter, did they always spent time together at weekends etc and they’ve kept this up now including the kids? Rather than a preference for the children? What type of days out / time is causing the imbalance, does she call to their house more or do they visit more, or more days out?

That being said, as far as possible I would try to focus on your own family’s relafionship with your MIL and what you would like that to look like and make steps to get there - is that inviting her to join you on days out and holidays, asking for more babysitting / support, suggesting activities for her to bring your kids to, asking her in for dinner once a week on a set day - etc etc.

Is it the grandchildren, or is it that she's slightly more inclined to put herself out to help her own DD than you, and you are the primary parent of your DC?
She may love the DGC equally but be viewing it as helping her DD rather than choosing one set of DGC.

I found opposite as we have the only grandchildren who are here as rest live away.
When kids were small though I'd spend lots of time at their house as they have a lovely big secure enclosed garden but id spent lots of time at mil house anyway before kids were born. They were more than happy for us to be there as fil retired early and mil was working.
They rarely came to our house though.

I feel I am thought of like that but there are deeper reasons.
My daughters children do not have another grandmother so I am both.
My son's father in law is not very well so DH steps in more for them.
It is a tightrope being a grandparent trying to treat/spoil and occasionally so no to grandchildren in a similar way

Oh and my MIL would pay for nephew's birthday parties. Hired a hall, entertainment etc. Still feel bad that we couldn't afford a party all these years later..

It’s hard to advise without the incident op!

It may have been shocking or we might think you are being sensitive.

I do agree with you that MIL’s are sometimes closer to their DD’s children but I’m not wholly convinced it’s an “inadequate womb” type dynamic.

In all honesty ( and I’m a DIL not yet a MIL!) I think it can be the DIL unwittingly puts a barrier as much as the MIL being the one to stand back. Some of this is conscious, some isn’t. But these threads are full - full to groaning point - with complaints about MILs overstepping and seeking advice as to how to put “boundaries” in place. Boundaries are fair enough but they inevitably cut both ways.

I think at a less conscious level, there’s also a sense of distance from those gc because we tend to do things ( broadly speaking) the way our mums did, These can be really subtle things but I think they add up. For instance in our house we always had breakfast in our pjs and a fresh pair at bedtime just in case we spilt food on our uniform. DH grew up changing and putting them under his pillow and reusing. I also notice when MIL is at our house, she looks in completely odd ( to me!) cupboards for things, but I recognise that if she’s after a mug she goes to the one closest to the kettle, which is where hers are kept. Ours are with the rest of the teacups, saucers, plates etc as we tend not to have odd mugs but ones that match the rest. There’s no right or wrong, it’s not even a big deal; but whereas my mum can waltz in and intuitively knows how we operate, MIL is forever looking a bit lost. I just think it’s easier to feel comfortable and as though you are doing things the right way with your DD’s Dc.

My MIL was always there for me, but her only daughter had moved far away, so she only got to see her other DGC occasionally (which my SIL, rather unreasonably, resented us greatly for!)
My Mum wasn’t very maternal, and wasn’t hands-on at all, with any of her DGC.
I think that our situation was very different from the more common experiences I’ve heard of, though…

I've experienced this. My (thankfully now ex) MIL shows blatant favouritism towards her daughters child. It came to a head on a family holiday when my children weren't allowed to interact with their cousin at all without being scolded or shooed away. I left that holiday and decided then that I would withdraw as much as possible.

Similar different POV here. I am the daughter and also my kids definitely get more attention from my mum than my brother's kids. It comes with drawbacks though. Like aCatCalledFawkes, my mum thinks she is allowed to criticise me and my doings non stop. In fact, she has adopted the same approach towards my kids. So yes, they may receive most of the attention, but we also receive most of the shitty comments, the guilt tripping and the attention seeking behaviour (you'll probably read between the lines that I'm struggling a bit with that 😉). In recent years, I have become much closer to my brother so that he feels free to tell me about his disappointments but I also feel free to tell him about the strings that are attached. I know my SIL is still upset about it, but really - she shouldn't be.

My mum isn't quite as bad but for example, I was giving her an update on a school meeting I had had today about my son which turned out to be quite positive and I was quite pleased. So after I had told her she said "so sort of good news then" 😬.

The other week she was busy telling what a wonderful father my brother was, reason being he had looked after his daughter by himself for a whole weekend and what a good Mum SIL was to let him to do. I have literally been bringing up two children on my own forever and I don't think she has ever called me wonderful 😂

But OP isn’t “trying to have it both ways” she is trying to have a warmer relationship with her husband’s side. What some other poster said at some point has no relevance to this thread—its not a survey of attitudes. Its a cry for help.

Oh you don’t know the Mum technique op: they boast behind your back! And the ones who don’t say it to your face are worst!

Her friends probably want to stick their finger down their throat every time she raves on about you. The number of people I know who have said their mum never compliments them and I’m thinking” but she never stops telling us!”

Some might say similar about my mum with my children vs my brother's children. Of course this might be an entirely different scenario to you but thought I'd post anyway.

My mum loves all her grandkids equally, in different ways (a different sort of relationship with the teenager than the baby) but equally. However I make much more of an effort to see my mum with my kids than my brother does. I see her at least once a week (invite her round for tea) and if it's just me and the kids going into town or to the supermarket at the weekend I always see if she wants to tag along so she's not at home by herself. My brother plans something once a month or so.

She loves the kids equally but definitely sees mine more often and so has a better relationship with them. But I stress the love is completely equal.

I can see that coming in DH family too.

On the surface they keep everything 'equal' so same value for gifts etc.
It's the more subtle things like who sits next to who at events and stuff. Happily take SILs kids for a week but loathed to take ours for a day.

Sorry didn’t mean to call you op @aCatCalledFawkes !

My MIL always favoured her daughter’s children over ours. In my experience it will not change and it’s best just to get used to it.

I am a grandmother. When my daughter was pregnant, I had known said daughter her entire life, and we knew each other very well. When my daughter in law was pregnant I had known her for a year. We liked each other and were cordial but we weren't close - there hadn't been time to develop a close bond. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking about her periods, was she getting enough fibre, did she remember to use sunblock - things I would have been able to discuss with a woman I'd given birth to. I didn't think it my place to ask if she was planning to breastfeed or use a nursery. She had a perfectly good mother of her own to discuss these things with. I am closer with my daughter's children because I am closer to my daughter. That's all - it's nothing sinister,

@The13thFairy it's not just about asking about the pregnancy and life as a new mum. It's the preferring to have quality time with one child's kids than another.

I can see the time come in a year or two when my oldest opts out of visiting. And I can totally see why. They've barely spoken to him the last few times we've visited.

So well put.

I mean inevitably your mother in law is closer to her own daughter than she is to you. That’s life. So it’s probably easier for MIL and her daughter to communicate and arrange to spend time together than it is for you and MIL. That’s just inevitable assuming location plays no part.

Plus people are allowed to prefer spending time with some over others.

I'm a DIL and a daughter and I love my MIL she’s great in every way but given the option I’d prefer to spend time with my mum.

unless the preference manifests in specifically in rudeness I’m not sure there’s much to do

I'm sorry to hear about your mum, and I suspect that her diagnosis has brought your MIL's favouritism into sharper focus. It's unlikely that anything you say will change her, but maybe your husband should be having that conversation. If it doesn't work, you will at least have tried

There’s also the issue of different family ‘styles’ and gendered family styles. My MIL, whom I’ve known since my student days, bonded with her adult daughters via going shopping, to bingo, Weightwatchers etc during the day, once their children were school age. All were SAHMs to families of three or more. I’ve always worked FT and we have one child by choice. She’s very vague about what I do for a living, despite me training for it or doing it as long as I’ve known her, and I just think she finds my life hard to imagine, and thinks there’s ‘nothing to talk to me about’. We also have very different ideas about parenting.

DH makes sure she sees DS, though he’s now a surly teen and doesn’t want to see anyone , but it’s not surprising she’s closer to her daughters’ children, who are more like her daughters, who are more like her.

That's fair enough but it should never affect your bond with your grandchildren.

I find it so strange that some posters view the grandchildren as the children of their DIL and not their son.