Parents saying sister never visits

[Plottingmyescape]

I live abroad, see my parents every few months.

The last time I saw them they were telling me how they hardly ever see my sister & her Dc’s (older teenagers)
They live very close to one another, a 10 min drive away and only see her on birthdays and at Christmas.
They were upset about this and said they’ve said to her ‘You never visit us’ and her response was ‘You don’t visit me’
They’re in their 70’s now and mum especially gets lonely I think.
It’s made me feel guilty about living abroad and wanting to move back more than ever.

Should I speak to my sister in confidence about it (they asked me not to) or just leave it

No idea why my Ds doesn’t see them more

Don’t say anything.

If your parents were nice to be around, were fun to spend time with, were interested and engaged in life, your sister would choose to spend time with them. For example, my dad invites us over for a takeaway and we ask him round for Scrabble or to watch a match together.

However, your mum is passive, your sister is reserved and they clearly aren’t getting much enjoyment from each other’s company. It’s a duty visit, so there’s no reason for it to be happening often other than guilt.

You can’t improve their relationship. If you said anything to your sister, you’d likely cause friction between the two of you AND she’d be pissed off that your parents are moaning to you about her.

If you want your parents to feel less isolated, ring them every weekend for a chat. WhatsApp photos of your life. Challenge them to Wordle each morning.

Leave your sister to negotiate her own relationship with her parents in whatever way she chooses. If your parents really wanted it to be different, they’d need to do something about it themselves.

So your parents have already spoken to your sister, saying she doesn't visit enough. She's told them that they don't visit her either.
Your parents, by their own admission, don't ask her about her life.
There's the answer. Your parents don't make any effort to make plans with her and don't show any interest in her.
Surely it's not a great mystery about why she's not visiting.

Your parents need to stop being so passive. If they want to see your sister they need to make plans with her.

You coming in like the prodigal daughter and telling your sister she needs to visit more is unlikely to be well received by her. You can't boss her about to soothe your guilt at moving away.

You!
Because now you're feeling guilty and wondering if you should move back.

It's especially telling that they don't want you to say anything to your dsis, because it might not even be true, or there's been a falling out and they know exactly why dsis doesn't visit anymore.

Also, if they are talking to you about dsis, what do you think they are saying about you to her?

Op it's me again! I understand you very well and it think this is actually about your guilt at moving away, I'm in the same position. What I would recommend is an open and frank conversation with your parents when you are home next - face to face- and be really open with each other and talk about how the situation might be fixed best. You throwing your life abroad away and moving back in a haste might not be the best idea and I know a few people where this really didn't work out, and then you'll be resentful and might get on worse with them than you did before

I’d be so pissed of if my sibling who disappeared to another country phoned me up to tell me to visit my parents more. It isn’t her job to look after your parents and pick up the slack that you left. Shes put boundaries in place so that she doesn’t end up the default carer because you won’t.

Well then as they are adults they can speak to her , and as an adult she can tell them why. Don’t be a flying monkey op, even if from a good place. You can’t manage people.

Well, your mother needs to talk directly to
your sister. But if your mother is trustworthy, I’d believe her. It’s telling that your sister saw them a lot more when they did childcare for her.

Seriously don't get involved.

You don't really know the relationship your sister has with your parents. It can be an entirely different one than you have with them without you even realising.

We had similar in my family and even now every now and then my sister will try to get me to do something I am not comfortable with and I used to comply and it privately upset me. Now I am better at saying no and realising that I don't need to comply with what others think is "normal" just because we are related.

You asked why someone said your parents are being whiny and manipulative. They are simply by virtue of the fact they are even talking to you about this

You have a conversation with your parents. They say "we don't see your sister much, but we understand she's busy" and "please don't talk to her about this".

Two things might happen here.

1. You think. "That's a shame that they don't see sister more, but understandable. They've asked me not to talk to her, so I won't get involved"
2. You think "I might talk to sister anyway" and "Do I need to move back from abroad?"

In families with clear communication and good relationships, (1) should always happen. But you've jumped to (2). Why is this?

I’m not ignoring anything, i’m reading all replies and taking things on board. I wont contact Dsis and will be telling them they have to contact her.
My mum lacks confidence and I think she is probably worried/upset that Dsis doesn’t want to see her or doesn’t want to impose

And maybe your sister doesn't want to see her and do you know what? She doesn't have to. You have to accept that your sister can live her life however she wants to including not seeing her parents if she doesn't want to.

You can see how your mother is getting to you throughout this thread. I would guess your sister has put up with similar manipulative nonsense in the past and has drawn a line under it.

I think the assumption that life gets simpler the older the kids are is a bit misleading here. Do you really know what is going on in your sisters life at the moment? Older folks, in my experience, seem to think the world magically simplifies at a certain age, when in practice the challenges just change but don't disappear.

I assume you get on with your sister? If so, rather than get stuck between your parents and her, try and find out how her world is at the moment. Don't mention the conversation with your DM but you can say you are a bit worried they are down.

And yes, your parents are getting older. Yes they are assuming other people should do the leg work for them. No it isn't right, but equally there could be more going on there too. Depression is quite common in older people if they are fairly isolated and early signs of dementia can often be social withdrawl. If your Dad is likely to visit your sister off his own back, it is worth checking in with him about how your Mum is overall.

Is she visiting them less often than you now?

You visit them and go home. It would be harder for her to keep the boundary of being a guest and not turning into a carer.

If I were your sister I'd be very annoyed if YOU suggested I should WANT to visit more.

The parents need to use their words.

I remember years ago, my dad pulling me aside and saying, "Mum wishes she could see you more." (I lived 2 hours away, with a full time, very demanding job).
I replied, "Well, mum can use her words and tell me that herself."

Needless to say, she never did.

Yeah totally agree - that's how it often is. Proximity doesn't mean a better relationship at all.

Yeah, maybe. I would say it’s pretty unusual to have a spare 6 weeks each year to spend with one set of parents.

Did you visit your sister when you were home?

I think that your Dsis saying they don't visit her could be the genuine reason. We only see our inlaws if we visit them. They are also only 20 minutes away. How many times have they visited us off their own backs? Zero! Does it annoy us, well absolutely! My own parents visit us and we visit them and it makes life easier for us all.

Maybe your parents need to make the effort a bit more. They might be getting on as they are similar age to my inlaws but I now think we'll it's gone on that long (20 plus years) and they weren't always that old but were always not bothering to make the effort. It can wear you down.

I was going to say something like this. A friend has a sister who has moved to another country and it irritates her no end when she tries to tell her that she should do XYZ more often for their mum.

There are a few assumptions here that I find problematic.

Such as the view that because your sister has older kids and does not have a partner (that you know of...) she should regularly allocate some of her free time to visit her parents.

It really bothers me that the expectation is that women are on this planet to consider the wishes of partners, kids and elderly parents before their own life.

Your sister can choose to spend her time however she wants.

She has already told your passive aggressive parents that they should not just expect her to always visit them if they don't make any effort to return the favour.

You all need to accept that she has her own life and you need to step back from this and not become caught in the middle and become your parents' 'flying monkey'.

Instead of complaining to you why not suggest they invite your sister and her DC round for lunch once a month?

Sitting there passively and expecting change to happen is pointless.

? What’s the relevance