Parents saying sister never visits

[Plottingmyescape]

I live abroad, see my parents every few months.

The last time I saw them they were telling me how they hardly ever see my sister & her Dc’s (older teenagers)
They live very close to one another, a 10 min drive away and only see her on birthdays and at Christmas.
They were upset about this and said they’ve said to her ‘You never visit us’ and her response was ‘You don’t visit me’
They’re in their 70’s now and mum especially gets lonely I think.
It’s made me feel guilty about living abroad and wanting to move back more than ever.

Should I speak to my sister in confidence about it (they asked me not to) or just leave it

No idea why my Ds doesn’t see them more

It does make me feel guilty, I feel like I definitely should go back if they’re barely seeing her and are getting on a bit now

They don’t have clubs, they are older teenagers, they dont need babysitting anymore when she goes out or picking up from school so she can work

Manipulating who though?

Surely would be nice if she wanted to spend time with them though!

This sounds a bit like how things were for us growing up. When we were little, primary school age, we went to see both grans every week (they lived an hour away or 2 hours on the bus). As we hit secondary school age, the weekly visits tapered off down to once a month at most. It was only as an adult that I started to go regularly again, on my own and without parents in tow.
I suspect going to visit granny, especially on the bus, was a strategy to keep us occupied.
It could be a similar thing for your sister.
Here you are, though, worrying that your parents aren't getting enough visits etc and thinking maybe you should say something to your sister. You look stuck in the middle of the parent - sister dynamic.

Is this even an option though? Do you have any ties where you are now?

I don't visit my parents and ok we have a bit of a fractured relationship but honestly, they don't ever ask anything about me. It's just us talking about other people in the family or village gossip. They do, however, ask about my husband! So I know they are capable of it.

Could they offer to take her out for lunch or something, and say "We just haven't caught up properly in a while and we wanted to see you"? Honestly parents of adults do have to be a bit lovely towards those adults or else the other pulls on their time will be stronger.

So why doesn't she want to spend time with them? I think you know the answer - they aren't that bothered about her.

My parents complain that they don't have a relationship with my (adult) children. However, in the last year my parents only attempt to contact them has been to send birthday and Christmas cards with generic greetings. the last time they did see my children they were rude and critical to them. Relationships take work on both sides, not just sitting back and expecting the other person to do all the running.

I think Zucker means that they’ve now got you worrying, so you’ll either speak to your sister or you’ll change your own life and move closer to them. They’ll have you checking in more as you’re worried, and bonus for them if you get your sister to call round more too.

I live the nearest to my mum out of my siblings. If my brother, who lives abroad and sees my mum twice a year, suggested I should pop round more often to help alleviate his guilt about moving away I would be very unimpressed.

Don’t talk to your DSis, instead support your mum to make arrangements to visit. You can check in weekly with her and make suggestions

From the perspective of someone in their 70s I do think that your parents could be subtly manipulating you. Perhaps they were just telling you how things are but perhaps they realised that it would make you feel guilty or feel that you should say something to your sister. I would take seriously their comment about not saying anything. If they talk about it again I would ask them if they have talked to your sister about how they feel. It’s always better if people communicate directly rather than triangulate and put someone else in the middle. Be careful not to fall into that trap, it won’t help and everyone will shoot the messenger. Just video call them regularly and take an interest in their lives but don’t attempt to fix their relationship with someone else.

I know I'm projecting now but you may not understand the reality of your sister visiting them.
Last week we were guilt tripped into visiting ILs by sibling who lives further afield. Called in with the dcs for an hour or so, no coffee offered to us, no squash in the house for the kids. Kids filling the small lounge with no entertainment or being conversed with, getting twitchy, whilst we heard about the latest ailments and problems.
Worse still, as we left dc caused small amount of damage to paintwork...huge drama and telephone calls this weekend regarding the extent of remedial work required.

Would you go back in a hurry?
It's probably different on your scheduled trips home. It's nice your dps enjoy your visits, but it could be different for your sister.

My MIL used to tell people no one visited her. My DH was round most days and her other son, every week or so.

There will be a truth but it's maybe not quite a bad as you're being told.

Since she doesn't have a partner she's obviously going to have more on her plate than someone with a partner, all the jobs which would otherwise be split with a partner will fall solely on her shoulders. And any kind of socialisation with people her own age (which most people need for their mental health) will take more time and effort then it does for someone who has a partner.

Teenagers may not need babysitting, but are often mentally draining and still need a lot of emotional support.

Maybe she just didn't have the mental bandwidth for people who have much more time than her but still expect her to do all the work involved in meeting up.

Maybe she just didn't have the mental bandwidth for people who have much more time than her but still expect her to do all the work involved in meeting up.

This! All of these replies saying they might be doing this, they might be feeling that. If they're not going to put the effort in then they aren't going to see her. OP you are right to stay well out of it and don't go soft on them. They presumably can ring her up and sort out a visit where they go to see her. They're in their 70s not their 90s!

I would encourage your mum to speak to your DSis. My mum complains about how little my sister visits and they live close by. I just let them get on with it and maintain my own relationship with each of them and tell them both to stop bitching to me and putting me in the middle.

Lots of ties, but getting worried now as they get older

This.
my mil was the same.
always wanted a royal invitation.
we said , just ring first ti check we’re in.
30 years never happened

But if they weren’t that bothered, why are they upset they don’t see her

Yes people on here seem to think that being in your 70s is ancient. My husband and I are in our early 70s. We look after our grandchildren twice a week, travelling to do this. Today we walked 10 miles. When the lift at Covent Garden tube station stopped working we walked up the 193 steps, passing people in their 30s who had paused because they were out of breath.

Isnt it a bit weird for parents to be that calculated! They could just be sad about it

As the person who lives abroad OP and therefore not the one who will have to deal with any emergencies your sister would have every right to be pissed off with you telling her she should visit more. DH's sister lives overseas and visits her mum twice a year maximum. Doesn't stop her telling us how much more we should be doing - it never goes down well.

As the 'child' who lives nearest our parents, but their least favourite child who was treated the worst, I can feel my hackles going up I'm afraid OP. Your dsis is possibly getting older herself, still working full-time - she's probably exhausted at the end of each day, and has her own house to maintain, alone, along with shopping for herself etc etc at the weekend. You should not sit in your ivory, distanced tower, and 'have a word' with her about how she should be visiting your parents more, shopping and buying flowers for them.

But if they are that sad, why aren't they making more of an effort to visit her?

Do your parents get out and about a lot, e.g, shopping, eating out, travelling, possibly trips abroad to see you? If yes, then your sister may feel very hurt that your parents can't make an effort to travel 10 minutes to see her. As a single mum, she has a lot on her plate, balancing teenagers and worklife.

If your mum wants to see more of her, then it's up to your mum to make more of an effort.

Your parents and sister should communicate more openly to resolve this. You shouldn't get involved, other than to encourage your mum to make more of an effort with your sister, since she's brought up the subject. That should be the extent of your involvement, though, because you talking to your sister about this is unlikely to end well.