Parents saying sister never visits

[Plottingmyescape]

I live abroad, see my parents every few months.

The last time I saw them they were telling me how they hardly ever see my sister & her Dc’s (older teenagers)
They live very close to one another, a 10 min drive away and only see her on birthdays and at Christmas.
They were upset about this and said they’ve said to her ‘You never visit us’ and her response was ‘You don’t visit me’
They’re in their 70’s now and mum especially gets lonely I think.
It’s made me feel guilty about living abroad and wanting to move back more than ever.

Should I speak to my sister in confidence about it (they asked me not to) or just leave it

No idea why my Ds doesn’t see them more

Wouldn't be the first parents that don't see much of their children and grandchildren once their free babysitter and collection services are no longer required.

Is that the timeline?

Don't get involved at all.
Your parents need to speak to your sister, not you.

You would likely be told butt out, especially living abroad.
Try and get back more if you can.

Seems like that….

My parents are 70. I don't see them that often because they don't ask me to visit. I do ask them here (2hrs from them) but the last time they asked me (&DH, DD) to visit them was probably about a year ago. My point being, they might think they don't see us often enough but I honestly don't think they have the emotional intelligence to look at why (ie they don't make an effort to make me feel welcome or like they want to see me for my own sake). Maybe your parents are similar, they see only that your Dsis doesn't visit often enough, but have they thought about why, or how they can fix it (actually asking her to visit, phoning her regularly to chat and appear interested in her life)?

Also, relationships are a continuous thing. They may have looked after the grandchildren in the past and Dsis may well be grateful for that but it won't sustain the relationship alone. If your parents are still physically and mentally ok, some of the responsibility for maintaining a close relationship definitely falls on them

Yes, my mum has different ideas to me in that way

Dsis is very private, as in, doesn’t seem to tell any of us anything. Dm says she doesn’t ask about her life as doesn’t want to impose and if dsis wanted to tell her she would. Ive told my mum that she should ask about her life, should act interested in her. It doesn’t make sense to me
They live now in a different part of the country to their brothers and sisters but still really only keep in touch with those that make lots of effort with them and dad often says they should contact him

That last paragraph probably sums up the problem. My mum was the same. If I didn't make the effort I could have gone months with no contact for my whole adult life. There were times when I thought "sod it, let's see how long she can leave it". It would usually be a phone call from my dad who was getting grief from mum because I hadn't phoned fir a while.

So they expect her to visit regularly, but don't show any interest in her life, and moan to other people about her? If that was you, how would you feel?

Maintaining relationships needs effort on at least one side. Ideally two to stop one party feeling resentful.
My parents were like this. A 10 minute walk from my brother but would never ever SUGGEST anything. Just wait for something to happen.

Meals get people together.
Regular lunches at weekends are the obvious one. A roast on the first Sunday of the month. A BBQ when the weather looks good. Or just ‘I’m baking today so do come over and share some cake with me and take some back with you’.

A list of National Trust places to explore together. A shared hobby. A pub quiz. A meet up for a coffee in the nearest town.
My family have an annual Christmas pub meal and annual summer picnic that most of us try and make and with busy working families and older children that’s really useful.

Two sets of passive people will just drift apart as nobody will suggest anything ever. My parents would just wait for one of us to plan something and luckily there are two planners amongst their 5 children. If it was left to the other 3 there would be very little getting together.

My brother is like this with my Mum (who is on her own now). He found it so stifling when my Mum would call up and ask to see him, he was always too busy, too distracted, too vague to pin down a date/time and weeks (months) would go by without getting together, despite living 10min away from her. Eventually Mum would "drop in" which of course was always at a busy time, and my brother would be very short with her saying she hadn't picked a good time.

I encouraged him to set a weekly dinner night for her, either cook for her or go out (with grandkids)... he was very reluctant, but eventually he relented, and the stress has lifted enormously. Mum never calls him, or drops in, unless there is a legitimate reason. He has picked a night that he and the kids are home eating a family meal, so it's really no hassle to include her.

Perhaps see if your mother or sister could be convinced to adopt this approach (maybe Mum asks sister if she has a night that she can come over for a meal, or can cook for sister and kids - depending on what works for them). Or alternate who hosts/cooks each week. Then that night becomes "locked in" and both parties don't need to "arrange" something, it just happens. If ever other commitments come up for that night then the person knows they have a prior commitment - if it's something that can be done anytime they pick a different night to do it, if it's a one night only (concert, out of town friend, work thing) then they cancel that week, and resume the following week.

You should not mention your mother's opinion of DSis to her. Your mother can phone her own daughter, or drive to see her, or take a cab. I'm surprised that your parents are not interested enough in hearing about their grandchildren and daughter to make better effort to visit them.

I agree that having a stress free way to meet on a regular basis might suit your parents.
Op, why don't you suggest that your mother invites your sister to a local cafe for a cup of tea and scones one Saturday morning? Or you could advise your mother to ask DSis to go shopping with her for new shoes or some other incidental thing.

Apart from making positive comments to either about seeing the other, from time to time. leave them to sort it.

Why doesn’t DM ask sis round for an evening meal in the week - teens too - that’s helpful. Expecting Sis to spend her wknd with them is too much though she could call in for a coffee but so could they.

My hackles are also up. You’ve made it clear that your sister not visiting often is adding to your guilt at having moved away. Honestly it’s not your sister’s job to facilitate your choice to live far from your parents. She keeps her distance one way, you keep yours another. If you’re not happy with the choices you’ve made, change them, don’t try to get your sister to change hers. You’ll ignore this as you’ve ignored all other posts making a similar point.

I think it’s common in relationships of all kinds. Consciously or not, lots of people manipulate those around them to get the result they want.

if they were that sad why aren’t they listing all the ways they’ve tried to see your sis? My mother was c similar about her friends but never took it on herself to initiate contact. It was all “they’re too busy, they don’t care about me” and then it would turn out that something had happened in the friend’s life and really my mum should have been there for her! Instead of waiting and feeling sorry for herself. What have your parents done to see your sister? Genuine question which may change the responses you get here.

As a previous poster pointed out, it does sound like your DM sits around waiting for things to happen to her. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to make things more likely to go the way she wants though and it may be she’s found if she mentioned things to others, off loads on to people who are close to the person she’d like to have act differently but be adament she doesn’t want them to do anything - then eventually things happen the way she’s hoping. And she still gets to avoid any responsibility for it. Doesn’t have to put herself out there. Doesn’t have to risk rejection. Can’t be blamed for being demanding. Etc.

It’s not necessarily conscious, though I’m skeptical. But I have found there are quite a few people who go through life like this.

If they were bothered they would do something about (e.g. proactively go and see your sister or work out why she doesn't want to visit more).

They are more bothered about not having their vision of a perfect family i.e. daughter that pops in all the time, delightful grandchildren etc

On the basis that you don't see them any more than your sister you might also have the sort of family where you are the child that can do no wrong, and whatever your sister does it's never enough. Which might be why she's stepped away.

Or alternatively maybe your parents moan about how little they see you to your sister, as well.

I have a sibling who lives overseas who would get very short shrift if they made any comment about how often I visit DM.

It’s easy to comment from the outside on what she should do. But I don’t think it’s uncommon to feel resentful when all the responsibility is dumped on you. If there’s nothing stopping your mum from organising a few catch ups then I would be suggesting she does that. There will probably come a time when she truly is reliant on others - there’s no need to start that any earlier than necessary.

So, you get to be abroad and yet you still think you should talk to your sister to make her see your parents more? Why should she? She has her own life, just as you do.
Sorry, but I think it's pretty outrageous that you seem to think your sister needs talking to in the first place.
She obviously has her reasons for not wanting to see your parents that often.
I'd be furious if I were your sister and you were trying to police what I did and how often I did it.
If you're that bothered, move back and spend more time with your parents yourself. You don't get to decide for your sister how she spends her time and how often she spends it with certain people, just to assuage your own guilt.

I think you should mention this to your sister, perhaps on the lines of 'they would like to see you more'.

I wouldn't just go and visit people without being invited. Neither would most people I know. If I want to see someone I invite them to my house / out. If they want to see me they do likewise. I wouldn't assume that anyone has the time to host me unless they invited me. Especially if they have kids, as it tends to be a conveyor belt of bath and bed, or activities.

Your mum should take the hint and your sister. Does she just prefer to moan?

This is the first time I've ever had to walk away from a post on mumsnet and come back to it later, because I just couldn't believe the sheer audacity of it.

I'm guessing you moved abroad? It wasn't that your parents and sister moved away? (If it was, I apologise)

You made a decision about how to live your life that was right for you and your family but the consequence was that you see less of your parents, and that they can't rectify that by popping in to see you.

Now you want to have a word with your sister because she's living her life in a way that's right for her and her family but as a consequence she sees less of your parents, even though she is still there for them to see if they want to put the effort in.

Do you get just how hypocritical that is?

Your mum sounds like she wants to wait to be invited or for things to be organised for her, rather than doing them herself. If that's her choice, that's fine, but she doesn't then get to moan that nobody has invited her or organised anything. If she wants to see your sister how about she picks up the phone and asks her to lunch or coffee or whatever. If she doesn't want to do that then it's not really that important to her.

But either way it's not your place to tell your sister to see her more - especially when you've made life decisions that mean you can't do the same.

IDK. I live abroad and spent the last 2 years visiting our elderly mum every other month gor a week.

My sibling lives 30 miles away and has seen her once over a year. For 4 hours.

Perhaps it's more like that?

Don't bother.
My dsis is the same. You can't police the relationship between 2 adults.

OP says she sees her parents a few times a year.
And her sister sees them on birthdays and Christmas. Which is also a few times a year.

So sounds pretty equal.

Not that it's a competition. Each person should visit as often as suits them and their parents. If one person wants to visit once a year, and the other go every week, that's personal choice.

If your parents have spoken to you about it then the only people you need to talk to are your parents. Talk them through suggestions as to what they could do in terms of them contacting your sister but otherwise I’d stay out of it.

It is almost a standing joke in our house that my MIL’s phone only accepts incoming calls and can’t make outgoing ones. If your parents are sitting around hoping your sister will invite them over then THEY need to address this.