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Original poster

Parents saying sister never visits

122 replies

Plottingmyescape · 27/04/2025 19:42

I live abroad, see my parents every few months.

The last time I saw them they were telling me how they hardly ever see my sister & her Dc’s (older teenagers)
They live very close to one another, a 10 min drive away and only see her on birthdays and at Christmas.
They were upset about this and said they’ve said to her ‘You never visit us’ and her response was ‘You don’t visit me’
They’re in their 70’s now and mum especially gets lonely I think.
It’s made me feel guilty about living abroad and wanting to move back more than ever.

Should I speak to my sister in confidence about it (they asked me not to) or just leave it

No idea why my Ds doesn’t see them more

OP posts:
CrispEatingExpert · 27/04/2025 19:59

My DPs are in their early 70’s. Despite travelling reasonable distances to go shopping, go on holiday, visit friends, etc they never make it the 20 minutes or so to my house.

I used to feel guilty and visit them every week, even when I worked all week and DCs had activities etc at weekends.

I don’t bother anymore. They occasionally complain they don’t see us very often but I’m fed up of being the only one to make an effort. The road between our houses runs in both directions.

Maybe it’s the same with your DSIS?

Original poster
Plottingmyescape · 27/04/2025 19:59

Hohofortherobbers · 27/04/2025 19:53

Exactly...and they'll cause a divide by trying to get you to guilt trip your sister. Encourage them to contact her themselves and make plans to meet up.
But you should stay well out of it.

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They didn’t want me to speak to her, I asked them if they wanted me to and they said ‘No, don’t do that’ they sounded very serious about it, I think they just wanted to confide about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Plottingmyescape · 27/04/2025 20:00

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 27/04/2025 19:55

That’s fine, but it doesn’t answer the question.

I’m not sure if they don’t and Dsis just said that, my Dm is quite passive and feels like she’s imposing on her I think.

This is a more relevant answer, it seems like your mum just sits back and waits for things to happen without putting any effort into it. That’s a valid way to live. But you don’t get to moan about it.

Show quote history

This is true

OP posts:
Original poster
Plottingmyescape · 27/04/2025 20:02

Cynic17 · 27/04/2025 19:56

You don't need to speak to your sister. It is her choice not to visit, just as it is your choice to live abroad. All good - neither of you should feel guilty. Ideally, you will just ignore your parents' emotional blackmail.

Who are they blackmailing though?

OP posts:
CoralOP · 27/04/2025 20:06

My dad told my sister I never see him but the truth is I don't have much of a relationship with him.
He has never ever made an effort with me or my son then when he retired started turning up unannounced to just sit in my house whilst I had 1000 things to do.
If your mum isn't or hasn't been making an effort when i guess they are retired with little responsibilities theres no reason for your sister to go out of her way.

Zucker · 27/04/2025 20:12

Plottingmyescape · 27/04/2025 20:02

Who are they blackmailing though?

Show quote history

They're trying to get you to say something to your sister, so you'd be the one putting the pressure on your sister to visit more.

IdleIdleIdle · 27/04/2025 20:13

If they don't contact her or her DC or travel the short distance to see her, she may think they aren't very interested.

CaptainFuture · 27/04/2025 20:16

Zucker · 27/04/2025 20:12

They're trying to get you to say something to your sister, so you'd be the one putting the pressure on your sister to visit more.

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Oh yes, and then if dsis does say anything they can go all wide eyed....'oh we don't know what's got into @Plottingmyescape .... of course we've no issues with how often you visit....🥺🥺🥺

Bologneselove · 27/04/2025 20:17

My mum and I don’t have a great relationship. She never calls me or visits me but does both with my younger sister repeatedly each day. My mum does all sorts for my sister, whilst does nothing for me. I’m expected to sort all my mum’s problems out, I did loads for her recently as her home was a mess. Afterwards she didn’t bother with me as was back with my sister. All my sister does is take mum shopping occasionally, they live 2 minutes walk from each other, whereas I’m a 10 minute drive away. My sister recently told me mum isn’t happy because I don’t help mum. Annoying and made me think my sister is stirring, although I know it’s true. My view is don’t get involved as a relationship takes two.

Zucker · 27/04/2025 20:20

Take a step back @Bologneselove , you'll never be able to do enough for someone that doesn't appreciate what you do.

Original poster
Plottingmyescape · 27/04/2025 20:21

Zucker · 27/04/2025 20:12

They're trying to get you to say something to your sister, so you'd be the one putting the pressure on your sister to visit more.

Show quote history

No. I asked if I should talk to her and they quickly said ‘No, definitely not’

OP posts:
Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 27/04/2025 20:22

CaptainFuture · 27/04/2025 19:44

Leave it. Your parents sound manipulative and martyrdom whingy...

Really!! Didn't come across that way to me.

Zucker · 27/04/2025 20:22

Ok that's fair enough they've said don't talk to her. But a seed has been planted though!

Original poster
Plottingmyescape · 27/04/2025 20:33

Zucker · 27/04/2025 20:22

Ok that's fair enough they've said don't talk to her. But a seed has been planted though!

What do you mean?

OP posts:
beetr00 · 27/04/2025 20:34

Plottingmyescape · 27/04/2025 20:02

Who are they blackmailing though?

Show quote history

You, possibly @Plottingmyescape

they are "inadvertently" roping you in as their "flying monkey"

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 20:45

Op I think this is more about you feeling bad because you live so far away and can't just go round for a cup of tea, and talk it over- is that possible? I'm saying that as I live away from my family too and I feel terrible whenever there's an issue and I can't step in...

ItsDrActually · 27/04/2025 20:49

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 27/04/2025 19:47

My gran used to tell my dad no-one ever visited her. My aunt went in to see her in the morning. My uncle would visit every week. It was her way of maintaining control. So, tread carefully. Maybe ask your sister what's going on

I've had relatives like this too.
Granny: No-one ever visits me!
Me: but Aunty Jo was here on Wednesday. And I'm here today.
Granny: See?! No-one comes to see me! Only you and Aunty Jo.
Me: Do we not count as visitors?
Granny: You always come. I know you'll come. See? I don't get visitors.
Me: gives up and pours more tea

So it could be a perceptual thing, that going once a week or fortnight isn't enough.
@Plottingmyescape I would stay well out of it. Maybe your sister doesn't visit as much as when the children were younger, especially if they have busy schedules with clubs etc.

brombatz · 27/04/2025 20:53

Stay out of it.

It's up to them to manage their relationship with your sister.

kitchenplans · 27/04/2025 20:54

If they, the (presumably) retired people with lots of free time, want to see your DSIS (the busy working person) more, then maybe they should get off their lazy arses, make plans, and go and see her.

Very,very clear manipulative behaviour at play here.

BlueTitShark · 27/04/2025 20:55

Look I’ve had a grandparent doing that.
’oh you never come and see us’ and ‘oh you never ring’. Whilst never bothering to actually make the effort themselves

The guilt tripping, the assumption that it’s the younger generation who should make the effort, playing the victim, putting pressure using other people (in this case YOU. In my case, grandfather was going through my dad).
Enough!
Don’t be your parents messenger. Your mum can talk to her dd!
Stop playing the game. They’re in their 70s and live only 10 mins away. They can ring and organise to meet up at your sister’s house
And please don’t move back to please your mum.

BlueTitShark · 27/04/2025 20:57

Plottingmyescape · 27/04/2025 20:21

No. I asked if I should talk to her and they quickly said ‘No, definitely not’

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And yet…you are here wondering if you speak to her, whether your sister is right and if you should be moving back…..

tinygingermum · 27/04/2025 21:01

My Grandmother always complains that none of the family visit her and she’s always alone. The truth is she has at least one of us visit everyday and some days more than one of us. She just likes to play the victim and has always been like this.

Laiste · 27/04/2025 21:04

Re: adult kids; I don't think it's good form to moan about one DC to another.

3 of my 4 are in their 20s now and i wouldn't do it.

I'd express concern, ie: i'm worried about your sister because of x, y, z what do you think. But not moan about visiting. It's laying unnecessary stuff at your door OP.

The very fact you've made this thread is the proof and the reason why it's bad form.

Brefugee · 27/04/2025 21:05

Plottingmyescape · 27/04/2025 19:53

Dsis used to see them lots when they looked after her Dc’s

My dad is more open and just sort of invites themselves to her house, if he didn’t she wouldn’t invite them

Well she doesn't need them so they need to get used to it.

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 27/04/2025 21:14

Plottingmyescape · 27/04/2025 20:21

No. I asked if I should talk to her and they quickly said ‘No, definitely not’

Show quote history

Yeah they said that, but you're here asking if you should talk to her. It's called manipulation op. They know that you're likely to talk to sis anyway because you're obviously feeling like mum is sad and hurt, and you want to fix that. They knew exactly which buttons to press. My mum is 74 and lives just over 60 miles away from me. She comes to us roughly once every six weeks and spends a few days, because, as she says, our lives are busier than hers and it's easier for her to travel than all of us. If your mum is that bothered she's quite capable of changing it.