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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t rearrange his holiday

553 replies

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 14:10

My best friend and I had planned a big holiday with 8 of our close friends in the summer to celebrate a number of significant events.

Unfortunately, the only time that is convenient for all of my friends is during the same week that my husband is going away. He could move his holiday forward or backward to accommodate me but has refused, and has become very insistent that he won’t move his dates because he booked his holiday first.

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).

My husband keeps pointing to this and has made it clear it’s my turn to rearrange my holiday. However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible. I feel he is being intentionally difficult and doing this on purpose, whilst my friend had an unforeseen emergency.

This disagreement has seeped into other areas of my life and we are constantly squabbling and arguing. I am worried where this might lead.
AIBU to ask him to rearrange his leave.

OP posts:
HuffleMyPuffle · 27/04/2025 21:35

Houseplantsaresoothing · 27/04/2025 20:19

I thought marriage was supposed to be about spouses being " nice" to each other - although tbh on MN marriages where spouses even like each other seem to be rare.

Yes it was good of him to sacrifice his event last time. But does that mean because he was good to OP on that occasion his good deed for the duration of the marriage is fulfilled and he doesn't have to do anything good for her again? Especially as this time he wouldn't be making a sacrifice.

And we have no idea of how many sacrifices and nice things OP does for her H on a regular basis do we? I bet she doesn't make a song and dance over things she does for her H as he is doing over the holiday situation. You talk as though being vindictive in a marriage is normal.

Edited
Show quote history

He's not being vindictive

He missed something so important it was arranged YEARS in advanced because she had to rush to a friend

He now has plans with his FAMILY, again booked in advance, and he's expected to drop everything again for her friends because they want to book last minute

SheilaFentiman · 27/04/2025 21:35

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 21:26

No more comments please, I accept i have been unreasonable.

Fair enough - but I would hide the thread now!

Houseplantsaresoothing · 27/04/2025 21:36

ThDanielDay · 27/04/2025 21:26

"My husband’s holiday is a camping trip which he takes with father and brothers…. He can take this anytime, it’s not going to be an inconvenience for him."

That's pretty dismissive of a trip involving at least 3 other people when her own dilemma arises out of a group of people being able to find a date that suits all of them.

Maybe the brothers and father are single and self employed and as such have flexibility, but they might also have partners who did the reasonable thing and coordinated their holidays prior to booking them so there wasn't a clash. So actually brothers 1 and 2 (at least) can't just drop everything because they can't actually swap their annual leave due to work rotas or their own partners going on milestone birthdays with 9 friend that they organized a year ago like anyone sane would do

Show quote history

I'm assuming she said what she did about his family because she knows his father and the brothers: how they are fixed as regards changing plans etc etc.

I'm sorry I'm not getting drawn into putting the boot into OP becsuse, as I've said a couple of times we don't know enough about her marriage to say so definitely, as so many posters are doing, that her H has right on his side.

25a · 27/04/2025 21:38

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 21:26

No more comments please, I accept i have been unreasonable.

I agree with you, OP. In the same circumstances, (if I were your DH), I would re-arrange my plans and I honestly have no idea why everyone else seems to be so against you.

ThDanielDay · 27/04/2025 21:44

Houseplantsaresoothing · 27/04/2025 21:36

I'm assuming she said what she did about his family because she knows his father and the brothers: how they are fixed as regards changing plans etc etc.

I'm sorry I'm not getting drawn into putting the boot into OP becsuse, as I've said a couple of times we don't know enough about her marriage to say so definitely, as so many posters are doing, that her H has right on his side.

Show quote history

I'm not looking to argue with you about her circumstances, just saying that it's easy to see why it comes across as dismissive from what the op's own version is. She also only said it wouldn't inconvenience him, no mention of his companions.

You're giving her the benefit of the doubt and that's completely fair, hopefully your interpretation is right.

TheScentOfElonMusk · 27/04/2025 21:48

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 17:28

I am not stamping my foot, I am reading the comments. If this situation was reversed, I’d change my plans for him.

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The situation literally is reversed and you won’t change your plans for him.
Are you desperate to be in this friendship group? Are you insecure about your position in it? Are you an extreme people pleaser? Are they all more successful/richer than you and you’re trying to keep up?

Salad666 · 27/04/2025 21:48

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 16:48

My husband’s holiday is a camping trip which he takes with father and brothers…. He can take this anytime, it’s not going to be an inconvenience for him.

Show quote history

"it won't inconvenience him to change it" but you did already inconvenience him by asking him to not go to an important thing that was booked years in advance which he did.

Honestly, I think he should LTB.

"No more comments please"

Good luck with that.

BlondiePortz · 27/04/2025 21:55

It's not up to you to decide what he does it is up to him

scotstars · 27/04/2025 21:56

There isn't really enough info here to say for sure. When you won't say what the scenario was that led to his previous trip be cancelled after being booked years in advance I'm wondering if in hindsight you realised this was a mistake did you ask him to cancel that time or tell him? Also only you know if his brothers have to book annual leave or maybe their partners have trips planned other weeks and its the only time that suits them all

ThisIsItNowOrNever · 27/04/2025 22:09

You sound utterly selfish and entitled.
Your husband sacrificed a once-in-a-lifetime event for you, yet you can't even show basic respect in return.
You’re treating his loyalty like an inconvenience while demanding the world bend to your plans.
It’s shameful how little gratitude or fairness you display toward someone who clearly deserved better.

Minnie798 · 27/04/2025 22:11

You aren't available that week, so you and your friends will need to look at dates again.

Cabinqueen · 27/04/2025 22:13

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 21:26

No more comments please, I accept i have been unreasonable.

Ummmm..... Okay....

HuffleMyPuffle · 27/04/2025 22:15

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 21:26

No more comments please, I accept i have been unreasonable.

You haven't

And you're fobbing off about the reason for the event suggests that it wasn't really that important actually

Notknots · 27/04/2025 22:18

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 21:26

No more comments please, I accept i have been unreasonable.

So you mean for this current situation or making your DH cancel his long held booking for your bestie?
Have you updated and apologised to your husband?

DorothyStorm · 27/04/2025 22:19

HuffleMyPuffle · 27/04/2025 22:15

You haven't

And you're fobbing off about the reason for the event suggests that it wasn't really that important actually

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Quite.

go apologise to your husband. Years in advance? I think id have divorced your Precious ass.

HeartyViper · 27/04/2025 22:20

OP, you sound so selfish.
The way it reads, you seem to think that his plans with his family are unimportant and he should do exactly as you ask because it doesn’t matter because it won’t inconvenience him.
He is expected to change his plans he has made in advance and booked to suit you and your friends, and frankly in his place, I would pack, go, leave you behind, and have a really bloody good time ON THE HOLIDAY HE HAS ALREADY PLANNED.

NeverHadHaveHas · 27/04/2025 22:21

I can’t believe you asked him to cancel his holiday when he had booked tickets to something special just so that you could deal with a friend’s issue. Were you required by her 24/7 for the whole period he would have been away??

SummerIce · 27/04/2025 22:26

Just because he’s a man we’re not going to side with you OP. You are being unbelievably unreasonable that at first I believed this must be a reverse!

ChesterDrawz · 27/04/2025 22:28

@ThisPearlCritic

"I am absolutely not controlling..."

"No more comments please"

🤔

thing47 · 27/04/2025 22:44

Here we operate on the basis of the first commitment\booking taking priority. His holiday is in the diary, and yours isnt so his takes precedence.

That would only be overridden by a second event coming up that was so urgent or so important that no reasonable person would deny that it needed to take priority. A holiday with friends wouldn't meet this criterion - you are not free on the dates you want.

Squigglesandgiggles · 27/04/2025 22:45

He’s probably sick to death of his plans revolving around your pals

Cornishclio · 27/04/2025 22:46

YABU when you asked him to cancel his previous holiday after him waiting so long to go to this event. Whilst I get you wanted to be there for your friend that does not trump your husbands plans then or now. Even if you feel it won’t inconvenience him I don’t blame him for being angry about his previous holiday.

Trying to find mutually convenient dates between a large group is difficult but you are basically saying your husbands plans don’t matter and he has to always fit in with you. Just try again to find a suitable date with your friends.

2thumbs · 27/04/2025 23:09

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 16:49

I cannot, these are significant birthdays and milestones events for me and my friends. We won’t have that next year.

Show quote history

If only there was a way of predicting when significant birthdays and milestone events might occur, so that plans could be made well in advance, avoiding any potential clashes…

herbalteabag · 27/04/2025 23:16

Surely someone else could rearrange something if it's so simple?
I would not be up for changing something I'd already booked.

EndlessTreadmill · 27/04/2025 23:17

Gustavo1 · 27/04/2025 21:07

Without knowing what the family emergency was, I can’t say whether I think it was right that your DH had to cancel his plans. I can’t think of many situations where a friend’s needs would trump my DH.

I think, it’s reasonable of you to ask whether he could swap dates but it’s entirely unreasonable to demand that he changes his plans to suit yours. Essentially, you aren’t free on those dates so can’t make the plans with friends. That might suck for you but that the way it is.

This. I think the main issue is the previous holiday that was cancelled, not this one. I can't think of any situation bar my own close family having a huge emergency (eg my parents / siblings dying or being serious ill) which would have made me force my DP to cancel a long booked important holiday like you did.
I you really needed to see your friend, you could have made some sort of childcare arrangement on your side, not involving him.

So after that no I am not surprised he is not bending over backwards for you. He should have stood his ground then TBH

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