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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t rearrange his holiday

553 replies

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 14:10

My best friend and I had planned a big holiday with 8 of our close friends in the summer to celebrate a number of significant events.

Unfortunately, the only time that is convenient for all of my friends is during the same week that my husband is going away. He could move his holiday forward or backward to accommodate me but has refused, and has become very insistent that he won’t move his dates because he booked his holiday first.

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).

My husband keeps pointing to this and has made it clear it’s my turn to rearrange my holiday. However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible. I feel he is being intentionally difficult and doing this on purpose, whilst my friend had an unforeseen emergency.

This disagreement has seeped into other areas of my life and we are constantly squabbling and arguing. I am worried where this might lead.
AIBU to ask him to rearrange his leave.

OP posts:
JHound · 27/04/2025 17:43

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 17:28

I am not stamping my foot, I am reading the comments. If this situation was reversed, I’d change my plans for him.

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You wouldn’t change your plans though would you?

You can change your plans now and are refusing to.

AthWat · 27/04/2025 17:43

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 17:28

I am not stamping my foot, I am reading the comments. If this situation was reversed, I’d change my plans for him.

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The irony! It burns!

ForZanyAquaViewer · 27/04/2025 17:43

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 17:30

It was so, so difficult to even get close to arranging a date for everyone. Most dates at least 2-3 had a problem with and this was the most suitable for everyone, and I was the only holdout. I agreed because it was the only way to get everyone to agree

Show quote history

I’ll repeat myself. So, two of your friends changing their plans is unthinkable. But, your husband, his dad and his brothers changing their plans is inconsequential?

What is wrong with you? How does a person get so self centred? Like, genuinely, how?

Bruisername · 27/04/2025 17:44

You’re being very flippant on saying there will be no inconvenience in him rearranging, especially given there are others involved.

it sounds like you’ve not really listened to him as I’m sure he has good reasons not to rearrange

and you agreeing to the dates when you knew he was away is foolish. How good are these friends really?

I'm surprised you haven’t suggested your DH take the kids camping just to really take the biscuit

Seventree · 27/04/2025 17:44

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 17:30

It was so, so difficult to even get close to arranging a date for everyone. Most dates at least 2-3 had a problem with and this was the most suitable for everyone, and I was the only holdout. I agreed because it was the only way to get everyone to agree

Show quote history

But it's not suitable for you because your husband already has a trip planned with his brother and dad. You are expecting all of them to jump to rearrange their plans because it suits your friends better.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/04/2025 17:45

RawBloomers · 27/04/2025 17:41

I see why you’re disappointed in him. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask. And I would be annoyed if my DH refused to change if it made no difference to him but…

Sounds to me like this is payback for your putting your friend first when he had the big event. I don’t think YABU this time but you may well have been that time, quite possibly a lot more unreasonable than he is being now, and your DH clearly harbors resentment from it. Might be easiest to suck it up this time and accept it. If this is just one of many annoying games played between the two of you, some counseling and a look at whether the marriage really works for you both would be in order.

Edited as just seen the update that the DH’s trip is a trip with others, not solo. In which case asking him to rearrange is unreasonable. It’s not just him you want to adjust so you can be with friends, it’s him and two others who he would have to ask to jump through hoops for you. You can expect some of this sort of flexibility from your spouse, you can’t expect it from others. It’s not reasonable to ask him to mess them around.

Edited

But he has already booked to go camping with his dad and his brothers. When OP was asked whether they would have booked annual leave for this, OP just said that her FIL was retired, so I assume that the brothers and her DH have already booked annual leave.

amicisimma · 27/04/2025 17:45

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 17:28

I am not stamping my foot, I am reading the comments. If this situation was reversed, I’d change my plans for him.

Show quote history

But you're not. You're not only refusing to change plans, you're insisting on making plans.

JHound · 27/04/2025 17:45

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 17:30

It was so, so difficult to even get close to arranging a date for everyone. Most dates at least 2-3 had a problem with and this was the most suitable for everyone, and I was the only holdout. I agreed because it was the only way to get everyone to agree

Show quote history

They can go away without you. Or you can do something next year / at a later date.

Your husband is also going away with people and you have no idea what their flexibility is.

You and your friends are massively disorganised and you are trying to make that your husband’s problem.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 27/04/2025 17:45

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 17:30

It was so, so difficult to even get close to arranging a date for everyone. Most dates at least 2-3 had a problem with and this was the most suitable for everyone, and I was the only holdout. I agreed because it was the only way to get everyone to agree

Show quote history

If it’s milestone birthdays why are you leaving it till April that’s why there were no dates you could all do …..you left it last minute and now yet again your DH has to change for your friends

HuffleMyPuffle · 27/04/2025 17:45

AthWat · 27/04/2025 17:43

The irony! It burns!

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Oof I'd missed that one from OP

No, OP, you wouldn't change plans because you've already made him cancel something MASSIVE for you

BreadInCaptivity · 27/04/2025 17:46

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 17:28

I am not stamping my foot, I am reading the comments. If this situation was reversed, I’d change my plans for him.

Show quote history

But it’s not just his plans you are asking to change is it?

It’s his father and brothers. So at least 3 people and no thought for the wider impact on their spouses.

The reality is you and your friends have been pretty lackadaisical in planning this “milestone” trip and are now making your lack of foresight a problem for other people.

Thats not fair. These birthdays were hardy a surprise to you all.

Yet from what you’ve posted you are persisting in needling him about this and do not seem to be developing any self awareness in light of the comments made here.

He did you a HUGE favour previously and yet you still think it’s on him to dig you and your friends out of a hole again.

If I was your DH I’d be sick the the back teeth of you and I absolutely wouldn’t be asking my family to pander to your selfishness and lack of planning.

The root of the problem here is that you and your friends have failed to get your act together. Ergo it’s up to you all find a solution. Options:

  1. delay the holiday
  2. go back to the group and see if anyone can re-arrange
  3. reduce the amount of time you are away so it’s easier to avoid clashes or plan a day/night out to celebrate this year and as per point 1 delay the “main event”
  4. one (or more of you) accept that you can’t go because there is no suitable date this summer where all of you can attend
Zanatdy · 27/04/2025 17:48

He booked first, so surely you should have made it clear to friends that you couldn’t travel that week.

namechangeGOT · 27/04/2025 17:49

Looks like you’ll just have to cancel your plans this year. Like your husband had to. Shame but life….

Winterwonders24 · 27/04/2025 17:50

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 17:30

It was so, so difficult to even get close to arranging a date for everyone. Most dates at least 2-3 had a problem with and this was the most suitable for everyone, and I was the only holdout. I agreed because it was the only way to get everyone to agree

Show quote history

Because it's then just your husband to browbeat?

Hercisback1 · 27/04/2025 17:50

Do his brothers not work? You're inconveniencing them too.

You're very unreasonable and seem to have no regard for your husband or his family.

legsekeven · 27/04/2025 17:50

You asked he said no. That’s fair enough. So now go back to your friends ans say “ sorry I can’t make that week, you guys go ahead and i will join you next time”
This will only cause problems in your marriage if you sulk about it.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 27/04/2025 17:51

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 17:28

I am not stamping my foot, I am reading the comments. If this situation was reversed, I’d change my plans for him.

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Ha ha ha, give over. I think the thing that shines through in all your posts on this thread is that you clearly put yourself way above your DH so I'd feel safe in saying that you absolutely wouldn't.

Couldyounot · 27/04/2025 17:51

The OP seems to want her husband to understand that her plans with her very busy and important friends (who are all very busy and important) will always take precedence, and seems mildly affronted that he doesn't view it that way.

BreadInCaptivity · 27/04/2025 17:52

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 17:30

It was so, so difficult to even get close to arranging a date for everyone. Most dates at least 2-3 had a problem with and this was the most suitable for everyone, and I was the only holdout. I agreed because it was the only way to get everyone to agree

Show quote history

Jesus wept.

Can you not see the problem?

You “agreed” to something with your friends that impacted your DH without consultation.

This wasn’t your gift to give and after last time you are already in a huge goodwill deficit.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 27/04/2025 17:52

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 17:28

I am not stamping my foot, I am reading the comments. If this situation was reversed, I’d change my plans for him.

Show quote history

Except it’s pretty clear, that no you wouldn’t. Because you won’t now.

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/04/2025 17:53

You just won’t be able to go OP, sometimes when you’re the only one who can’t make it you just have to suck it up.

Createausername1970 · 27/04/2025 17:56

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 16:48

My husband’s holiday is a camping trip which he takes with father and brothers…. He can take this anytime, it’s not going to be an inconvenience for him.

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But it might be an inconvenience for the father and brothers!

Ellie1015 · 27/04/2025 17:57

Your dh missed an event he waited years for because your friend had an emergency, i am sure there are other people who could have helped, or you could have helped with kids with you.

He probably thinks you should miss the trip. And why should he move his trip which has already been arranged, it is disrespectful to his father and brothers time to move them to accommodate you.

Yabvu.

TwistedWonder · 27/04/2025 17:57

This can not be real surely? No one is that entitled and unreasonable

You already got you DH to change his plans because your friend was a higher priority to you than his long planned trip and now you expect him to jump again to accommodate your friends.

The CFery is off the scale

meganorks · 27/04/2025 17:58

"For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9)."

Are we going to find out what this is?! Because honestly, I can't see how this would ever happen. No matter what had happened with your friend (bereavement, someone in hospital) I can't imagine stopping my husband going on holiday, especially for something planned years in advance. Surely you would help and support your friend as much as possible whilst also having your own kids? Or get someone at home to have your kids for a day or 2.