Demanding parents abroad wanting to see grandchild ALL the time!!

[Reallyinneedofadvice]

I really need some advice please. I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible. I moved to the UK about 12 years ago, during this time me and my husband tried numerous times to move back to my home country, mainly to be nearer my family. For various reasons, especially that we couldn't find suitable jobs, we stayed here. We now also have a DC and I really do try to go and see my parents as often as any possible, it's beautiful where they live and we get on very well. This year for example we went for Christmas, then in February half term, now for my mum's big birthday in May and then again the entire summer holidays (!). I personally think that's plenty. Anyways, on Friday my mum calls me and is being absolutely furious that "you didn't make it clear that there's a half term at the end of may, we could have celebrated the birthday then and we'd have been able to see the grandchild for two days longer". I really snapped at that point but gave in so now we're going at the end of May as well! I'm so annoyed though - I feel constantly guilty we live so far away from them but I go there literally every couple of months at the least, and we talk every morning before school. AIBU to put some boundaries in place from now on? I've thought it over so much that I really don't know anymore who's being unreasonable!!

I'd sit down and look at when I want to fly back and stick to it. Don't give in to manipulation tactics.

@Reallyinneedofadvice just bite the bullet and tell her she will have to travel if she wants to see your child (does she not want to see you at all). she can suck it up.

It's the before school daily phone call that would do my head in.

Your parents spend more time with their grandchildren than I (an involved GP with the DGCs 40 minutes away) do, when you add it all up!

And seriously, before school is a ridiculous time to have that call. If you call every day, what on earth do you find to talk about? And it's the busiest part of the day. Surely your kids get bored of having to perform on the phone when getting ready for school?

This will never stop Op. I get it that you enjoy going there and it’s also convenient to have the childcare while you wfh - but you need to set some boundaries!

A few times a year is plenty to visit. If they want to see you more then they can come and visit you (if you want that!). Be clear with your dates and if they ask about other school holidays just say sorry we’ve got other plans then!

@op you’re not from a country near Mediterranean are you? I have same problem , it’s a culture thing I am afraid 😣

Your mums crying thing is classic, mine was using “my heart hurts” 🙄

you don’t need to keep on discussing with them, actions speak louder. Minimise the trips

good luck I empathise x

Ok so you just say I can’t make it half term but we will see you when originally planned for your birthday, You do have a right to spend time how you want but your not asserting it so that’s on you

I would also go home after your summer holiday instead of spending the rest of the summer with them. Just spend a weekend and then go home citing a work or house emergency. See if you can change your flights now without too much hassle.

Start making excuses. There are so many white lies you can tell. Ok, they know you can work from home but start saying you need to spend more time in the office. Start saying you have plans with your in laws, Start saying you have friends visiting.
I can't believe you're just doing what they want.

With respect, she gets to see her grandchild every 8 weeks and for weeks on end in the summer . I think she gets to see them a lot more than many others.

I won't be lying to them, I think that's not necessary and they would see right through me anyways

Yes I have the feeling as well that it went don't sit down and have a chat, things are going to escalate very soon....the question is, how best to go about it!

Aww thank you so much. Not quite the med but yes from a country nearby where most people never move anywhere! I find it suffocating. Lots of people actually live in multi generational setups but I'm unsure I could do that. Xx

Yes- this needs nipping in the bud, and soon. That's what I find most annoying as well and it's pointless as there's nothing to talk about and my DC is often not in the mood.

Why?

Thanks all- I've got to pop out for a while but will get back to everyone later!

Because they don't get to see their Grandchild as much as they want....

In fairness, most children probably like Disneyland, it doesn't mean they get to go several times a year.
You're an adult with your own family - be assertive with your parents and their histrionics

No, I mean why do you feel so obligated to do whatever they want you to

My parents can be a bit like yours and I found that it was easier and more effective not to have a big confrontation but more do it one thing at a time and to keep focus on when I would be seeing them, keeping it bright and breezy and not emotional.

So I would go with "sorry we can't come to you May half term but looking forward to the summer" rather than "mum, we cannot always come to you every holiday" and similarly "sorry can't speak tomorrow morning, speak at the weekend"

How is it affordable to keep traveling at almost every opportunity rather than be at home? I find even when traveling to relatives there are costs. It is not sustainable. Doesn’t your DH also resent it? It is every holiday spent either with your family or without you if he doesn’t come.

Do you have much time together just you, your husband and your child without other family (his and yours)?

Feelings aren’t facts! They are playing on your guilt. Between guilt and resentment choose guilt every time.

you don’t owe them anything. That’s not how it works.

Why are they more important than you? What do you want?

Too frightened to get on a plane so you have to do ALL the travelling ...

Angry you did something on a school holiday that wasn't all about her ...

Crying to get her own way ...

Your mum's an emotionally manipulative controller, OP. She's got you rushing about, spending how much on travelling, with no actual holiday time that's just about YOUR family. Me me me.

Stop being the obliging kid running yourself ragged trying to please. You're the mum, now. Time to be the adult.

Totally.
My gran was very similar. She used to emotionally manipulate my mum ALL the time. She would pretend to be a shaky little old lady when she was a rock hard, perfectly healthy person. We once caught her sitting in her armchair with her eyes shut whimpering and not talking to anyone- and quickly stopping and opening an eye to check people were looking. Loved her to bits, but she was very sly.

You are an adult and can live wherever you choose, circumstances permitting. The same applies to seeing or not seeing your parents, or anyone else.