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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Demanding parents abroad wanting to see grandchild ALL the time!!

87 replies

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 08:34

I really need some advice please. I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible. I moved to the UK about 12 years ago, during this time me and my husband tried numerous times to move back to my home country, mainly to be nearer my family. For various reasons, especially that we couldn't find suitable jobs, we stayed here. We now also have a DC and I really do try to go and see my parents as often as any possible, it's beautiful where they live and we get on very well. This year for example we went for Christmas, then in February half term, now for my mum's big birthday in May and then again the entire summer holidays (!). I personally think that's plenty. Anyways, on Friday my mum calls me and is being absolutely furious that "you didn't make it clear that there's a half term at the end of may, we could have celebrated the birthday then and we'd have been able to see the grandchild for two days longer". I really snapped at that point but gave in so now we're going at the end of May as well! I'm so annoyed though - I feel constantly guilty we live so far away from them but I go there literally every couple of months at the least, and we talk every morning before school. AIBU to put some boundaries in place from now on? I've thought it over so much that I really don't know anymore who's being unreasonable!!

OP posts:
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/04/2025 08:43

This is a you problem - you need to learn to assert yourself and say no. They are doing thus as they know they will get their own way.

RedFatball · 27/04/2025 08:45

Won't you get annoyed long term at not being able to go on holiday anywhere else?

DrummingMousWife · 27/04/2025 08:45

Stop agreeing to things you don’t want. It’s hardly fair on everyone having to be back and forth all the time. Eventually your child will want to spend time with friends in the holidays, so you need to start as you mean to go on.

Sirzy · 27/04/2025 08:47

You need to say “no”

as nice as seeing family is it’s also nice for children to be able to enjoy being at home during the school holidays, or go away properly to different places.

Original poster
Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 08:47

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/04/2025 08:43

This is a you problem - you need to learn to assert yourself and say no. They are doing thus as they know they will get their own way.

But I feel bad that I live far away - I'm kind of thinking I owe them to go back and see them?

OP posts:
CuriousGeorge80 · 27/04/2025 08:47

Why don’t they visit you?!

Mischance · 27/04/2025 08:48

They are asking for rather a lot - an unreasonable amount. What do they expect you to do?- spend large chunks of your life jetting back and forth? - I don't think so! That is crazy!

Original poster
Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 08:48

DrummingMousWife · 27/04/2025 08:45

Stop agreeing to things you don’t want. It’s hardly fair on everyone having to be back and forth all the time. Eventually your child will want to spend time with friends in the holidays, so you need to start as you mean to go on.

In fairness, my child says "there's nothing better than being with grandma and grandpa" so he absolutely loves it....not to say this won't change in the future though!

OP posts:
JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 27/04/2025 08:48

Why have you caved?! This is the reason she is so demanding - because you give in and she gets her way. It's lovely that they like to see their grandchild, but that amount of travel is ridiculous. I have other things I like to do, I'm sure you do. Holidays, DIY, days out. You need to say no and mean it. It's suffocating.

user1471538275 · 27/04/2025 08:49

You are giving them far too much.

They cannot demand anything unless you choose to give it.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries - it will be very hard at first but it will get easier and your life will be better.

They are treating you like a child who must do as they are told - you are not, you are an adult, a mother and your child comes first, not your parent's demands.

alcoholnightmare · 27/04/2025 08:49

They can also hop on a plane!

I think you see them loads.

I also agree with a PP about you then not going on holiday to different places. Visiting family is just that, it’s not really a holiday.

Original poster
Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 08:49

CuriousGeorge80 · 27/04/2025 08:47

Why don’t they visit you?!

In one way I prefer going there as I still have some lovely friends there and their house is much bigger in terms of space for us all. But also my mum gets so nervous travelling that I almost don't want to expose her to this (it's only a 2 hour flight though)

OP posts:
TheyreThreeTheyreSixTheyreNineandTen · 27/04/2025 08:50

What about DH’s family? When do they get to see you all if your parents are monopolising all of your holiday time?

Kittyfluff · 27/04/2025 08:51

Your parents are trying, and succeeding, to claim all of your holidays for themselves. Not to mention your mornings before school. They are being incredibly selfish. You very much need to learn to say no. Threaten them with going no contact if all you are giving them is received with such ingratitude as they are showing. You have to be strong, if you ever want a break to yourselves.

Sauvin · 27/04/2025 08:51

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 08:47

But I feel bad that I live far away - I'm kind of thinking I owe them to go back and see them?

Show quote history

No, you’ve built your life in the UK and that’s nothing to feel guilty about. Sure, you want to maintain a good relationship but that doesn’t mean you have to cater to their every demand.

Surely you’ll want to visit other places and do other things in the school holidays, which would be totally normal.

And can’t they visit you? Are they a long way away?

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 27/04/2025 08:51

You don't owe them anything.
That sounds like something they've told your kid that s/he's repeating.
Learn to say 'no '.

'we have plans,.so maybe see you next year'
'no, that won't be possible. [Change subject]'

Since your parents seem the type to get angry, don't give them an audience. If they start making demands, end the conversation. Say you'll speak to them when they're less angry.

Original poster
Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 08:51

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 27/04/2025 08:48

Why have you caved?! This is the reason she is so demanding - because you give in and she gets her way. It's lovely that they like to see their grandchild, but that amount of travel is ridiculous. I have other things I like to do, I'm sure you do. Holidays, DIY, days out. You need to say no and mean it. It's suffocating.

Because my mum was crying and being so unhappy and I didn't even understand why - we're going there in 10 days time?! At the same time she's been saying "oh no, you can't come again so soon after, it will be too hard on your little boy" so I'm also really confused on what she actually wants me to do!

OP posts:
nomas · 27/04/2025 08:52

Children are allowed to fly the coop and launch their own lives.

Can you imagine behaving like if your own child moves abroad for work?

Sauvin · 27/04/2025 08:53

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 08:51

Because my mum was crying and being so unhappy and I didn't even understand why - we're going there in 10 days time?! At the same time she's been saying "oh no, you can't come again so soon after, it will be too hard on your little boy" so I'm also really confused on what she actually wants me to do!

Show quote history

Unfortunately you’re going to have to ignore this type of behaviour because it’s manipulative and unhealthy

Radra · 27/04/2025 08:54

Oh dear Lord, your mum sounds like a horror. You need to cut the cord for the sake of your own sanity

How dare she make you feel guilty?

And does your DH really want to spend every school holiday with his in laws? Or do you leave him at home?

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 27/04/2025 08:55

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 08:51

Because my mum was crying and being so unhappy and I didn't even understand why - we're going there in 10 days time?! At the same time she's been saying "oh no, you can't come again so soon after, it will be too hard on your little boy" so I'm also really confused on what she actually wants me to do!

Show quote history

She's a manipulator. The tears work. She's guilt tripping you. It's a horrible thing to do to someone - she's not being the lovely mum and granny you think she is. She's getting you to do exactly as she wants

Original poster
Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 08:55

TheyreThreeTheyreSixTheyreNineandTen · 27/04/2025 08:50

What about DH’s family? When do they get to see you all if your parents are monopolising all of your holiday time?

We see them quite a lot to be fair- DH dad and stepmother live close by and we see them weekly, his mum about every 3 weeks. Think going round for Sunday roast etc.
We were here for all of the Easter holidays as well so that was lovely.

What I didn't say and is very important - when I go "home", I often work and my mum looks after DC- so it's not essentially every holiday as I do work for some of that time!

OP posts:
Original poster
Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 08:56

Radra · 27/04/2025 08:54

Oh dear Lord, your mum sounds like a horror. You need to cut the cord for the sake of your own sanity

How dare she make you feel guilty?

And does your DH really want to spend every school holiday with his in laws? Or do you leave him at home?

How we usually do it is- me and DC go for the first 2 weeks, where I do work and mum looks after DC. Then DH arrives, we go away on holiday in central Europe for a couple of weeks, then come back. So it's not being there 24/7. Plus, my DH and my dad get on splendidly

OP posts:
Sauvin · 27/04/2025 08:59

Well, now you’re making it sound as if you’re happy to go. Make your mind up!

Your actual question was would you be unreasonable to put boundaries in place over this? I think everyone agrees the answer is no you wouldn’t.

Original poster
Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 09:04

Sauvin · 27/04/2025 08:59

Well, now you’re making it sound as if you’re happy to go. Make your mind up!

Your actual question was would you be unreasonable to put boundaries in place over this? I think everyone agrees the answer is no you wouldn’t.

Edited

What I meant is, I'm happy enough to go, and quite often. But the latest demand - having to tell her when exactly the half term is so she could have had her party then and we'd been able to stay longer - is the straw that broke the camels back for me.

OP posts:
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