Demanding parents abroad wanting to see grandchild ALL the time!!

[Reallyinneedofadvice]

I really need some advice please. I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible. I moved to the UK about 12 years ago, during this time me and my husband tried numerous times to move back to my home country, mainly to be nearer my family. For various reasons, especially that we couldn't find suitable jobs, we stayed here. We now also have a DC and I really do try to go and see my parents as often as any possible, it's beautiful where they live and we get on very well. This year for example we went for Christmas, then in February half term, now for my mum's big birthday in May and then again the entire summer holidays (!). I personally think that's plenty. Anyways, on Friday my mum calls me and is being absolutely furious that "you didn't make it clear that there's a half term at the end of may, we could have celebrated the birthday then and we'd have been able to see the grandchild for two days longer". I really snapped at that point but gave in so now we're going at the end of May as well! I'm so annoyed though - I feel constantly guilty we live so far away from them but I go there literally every couple of months at the least, and we talk every morning before school. AIBU to put some boundaries in place from now on? I've thought it over so much that I really don't know anymore who's being unreasonable!!

Take it from me who had a similar set up to you and then had to navigate a family fall out. It's not good to be so co-dependent on anyone especially as it's not giving you an opportunity to build friendships & networks here.

I've built some friendships now but earlier when I used to visit my family regularly, I didn't know anybody here. It was easier to visit family but dc need to build their own networks now. My family situation has changed and I can't rely on them like I used to.

You don't "owe" them anything, OP. Just keep saying no.
Once a year would be plenty, and more often than for many overseas grandparents.

”ok mum we will come at the end of may instead and celebrate your birthday then”

we could have celebrated the birthday then and we'd have been able to see the grandchild for two days longer". I really snapped at that point but gave in so now we're going at the end of May as well!

Your mum didn’t ask for both she said you all could of celebrated the birthday in the half term

Ahh I’m jealous, we moved closer to
mine about 18 months ago, lots of chat about helping out before we moved, doing school runs. The reality is they have zero interest in any of that. We’ve seen them twice this year, they are 9 miles away

Put a stop to your mother's emotional manipulation.

It's not fair that your husband and kid are brought on international guilt trips every couple of months.

That's not possible as it's long been arranged and there's other people coming too. My point is that I have a right to spend my holidays as I see fit and don't have to spend every single half term there

Nooo way!! I cannot believe that. I'm so sorry. I hope at least it's a nice area you moved to and that you're happy there

You and your DH seem to get masses of holiday leave, OP - or do you teach?

But you don’t seem to believe you have that right. Because you’ve given in and booked May too!

I think you are totally right. It's a kind of codependency that I didn't really realise until now

that’s a lot of time with grandparents. My kids live 4 miles from their Granny and Grandpa and saw them for one day this Easter hols. In Summer we might see them 7-8 days max and not staying over etc. I think you’re spending more time with them than most people would with their parents/grandparents.

I think so, because in your posts you’re totally conflicted between being frustrated by the situation and defending it.

Sit down with your husband and work out what would actually work best for you. Then communicate that to your mum. She won’t like it, she will cry, and at some point I think you’ll really see that the way she is acting is not ok.

Absolutely

And quit the daily phone calls too!

You go a LOT. And when you do visit they probably get to constantly see their grandchild in that time, so a lot of quality time. Far more than many!
I lived in the same country as both my grandparents but lived 4 hrs away from both. We only saw them 2-3 times a year for a few days at a time.

But is it what your DH wants to do every summer for his whole life?

Or does he maybe sometimes want to go somewhere else, do something else, maybe see some friends or go away with his own family?

Bit harsh!

My sister lives abroad, my parents wish she lived nearer and would be upset if she only bothered to visit once a year. However, they don't make any demands on her.

Its understandable for parents to feel sad their adult children live far from them.

OP mum feels like she is missing out, and frankly yes she is.

All those flights must be costing you a fortune.
You are allowing your parents to emotionally manipulate you for their benefit. This is very unhealthy, it's time to sort this out and lay some boundaries. Do it sooner rather than later before there is a falling out.

You're a grown up adult human, you can live where you like. They can visit you?

I'm glad you've seen it for what it is now and can plan accordingly for the next school holidays. I would slowly wean her off the expectation of seeing you every holiday. Plan to be in the UK for October half term & then see your family at Christmas. As you're seeing them in the summer, you don't need to see them in October.

Then do the same by not seeing your family at next Feb half term but at Easter instead. As your dc grow older, they'll have more parties, hobbies and play dates. You have work, hobbies and life admin to process so you can't travel all the time.

Are they always like this? What I mean is, do they express love through tears, emotion and high drama? If they do, then just accept that that's what they are like. My mum is like that, if sainsburys is out of milk she'd be out of her mind.

How old are your kids? My in-laws live abroad and were like this when my children were younger. They seemed to expect us to spend all school holidays with them (like the entire time for each holiday!).
I pointed out to them that I also had family that wanted to see the children!!
We gradually lowered their expectations by going for shorter periods each time.
Do you work? I wasn't working before so in their mind i could spend weeks there but now I am, I can use the (true) excuse of having limited annual leave. So now they understand three things that limit the time we can spend there:

1. we have to work
2. I also have family that live far away and like to see us
3. the children are now teenagers and have busy social lives. They don't want to spend every minute of their free time with grandparents.

I felt guilty for a long time but then realised my family travelled all over the world & visited other people but not me. The expectation was I moved out so I should visit them. That's when the scales fell from my eyes plus other stuff I won't bore you with.

You need to prioritise you and your little family first. You'll find out soon enough that your mum will prioritise herself too at your expense.

Sorry OP if I needed it but how old are your kids?

I assume very litter.

When they get older they will probably not like this at all. Especially if they have activities like Brownies or football etc.

They are going to have to miss fun trips, competitions and fun time with their friends. You need to set boundaries now with your parents, as it will be harder 5 or 6 years down the line.

Sorry about the spelling mistakes but can't be assed logging onto the website to edit!

Hopefully it makes sense.

You don't OWE them a damn thing.

Your life is your life.

You need to work on yourself, and your guilt.