Husband objects to me reading romance novels with sex scenes

[Utterlyincandescently]

Firstly, I'm not reading the books for the sex scenes. I just like romance books and many of them happen to have a sex scene. I also read lots without sex scenes or "fade to black" scenes. Most of the time, I don't even know if the book has a sex scene, until I get to it, and then I skim over them because they're usually pretty cringe-worthy to read.

Anyway, my DH doesn't like them and gets in a huff when he sees me reading them. He thinks its adjacent to watching porn, which he doesn't do, and doesn't like the idea of me "lusting after fictional men"🙄. Imo, it's exactly the same as watching a movie, that happens to have a sex scene in, and we do that all the time.

I could just read romance without sex scenes, but that severely limits my choice. Sitting down with my coffee and reading my sappy books is honestly one of my favourite things to do and I'm reluctant to give it up. AIBU to want to continue reading my books?

doesn't like the idea of me "lusting after fictional men"

Is genuinely a pitch of unhinged jealousy I’ve never come across before. How do people become like this? And how do they manage to get and keep partners who tolerate it?

Every day, MN reveals a new facet of the human condition to me.

But there’s such a huge difference! Presumably you are not addicted/close to addicted to reading romance. (I’m sure you do get to that point when you want to get to the end but that’s not addiction)

And literally no one is getting violated in the production of romance novels. Or trafficked. Or anything. I actually find romance novels an excellent way to get in the mood because there is a back story rather than just straight into sex. (Big fan of virgin river over here - husband has worked out we have sex more post reading time so is keen!!!)

Yes, I completely agree. I think he thinks I'm reading it for the same reasons people watch porn so it makes him uncomfortable because of his issues.

And yes, it does get me in the mood but I don't think he's noticed that! Going to have another chat with him later. Definitely not going to stop reading my books.

This, with bells on.

The difference is you watch a film together, but you read a book on your own.ie he isn't part of it.

What a complete prat.

Tell him you are going to start reading gory horror books because horror turns you on more than sappy sex scenes.

( or maybe don't if you think he will try to reenact it for you )

That's a good point ^

He's judging you and your intentions, based on his own perception. He has a warped view of sex, in that respect. Romance novels about relationships are not the same as porn, so it's obvious that he has a way to go on his post addiction attitudes.

On the one hand, when women object to men watching porn one of the reasons is invariably because you shouldn't be thinking sexually about other people while in a relationship. It's disrespectful, demeaning, and will no doubt make your partner insecure. So in that respect, I get it.

But on the other hand, it's writing, you can't really police something you're unaware of until the words present themselves (it's not like 'knowing' porn will involve naked people), and you also can't police imagination.

He could make the argument that it's no different than a man reading the sex stories in the dirty mags from the newsagents, something people in here would no doubt call 'vile'.

Is it controlling?- somewhat. Would it kill you to adjust your genre slightly to make him feel less awkward about it?- probably not.

As a male who watches a lot more porn than he would ever care to admit to his wife, I can tell you now your DH is weird, he is in a very small minority of men who don’t watch porn and an even smaller minority of men who object to their wife’s watching porn, or in your case reading a sex scene which to most men wouldn’t even qualify as porn.

when women object to men watching porn one of the reasons is invariably because you shouldn't be thinking sexually about other people while in a relationship

Huh? I object to it because it's a shitty exploitative industry. People thinking is not the problem.

He's being pathetic then. I was just trying to think of some reasons that might explain from his point of view but even if they had been true, he's still massively in the wrong. I bet he'd blow up if you bought yourself a vibrator.

Absolutely. That whole industry is a sewer of greed, exploitation, violation and degradation.

There's no zealot like a reformed addict or a new convert.
He's now Mr Judgypants and wants you to give up what he was addicted to.

The odd thing is that he's actually bought me a vibrator a couple of years ago!

Are you only "allowed" to use it with him though?

What? I’m always getting huge crushes on actors, DH seems to regard it as a hobby. He couldn’t care less what I watch or why I’m watching it, and we’ve watched some good stuff together on the back of me having a crush on X or Y.

But how does he know that it is a ‘sex scene’ unless you’ve have told him or he has read it himself?

Even if you were reading them to have a wank to the saucy scenes they conjured up in your head, that would be fine. You get that, right?

You are entitled to your own imagination and he doesn’t have the right to police your thoughts. If he’s jealous of imaginary men, then that’s an issue for which he should seek the proper professional assistance.

No, we've only used it together a couple of times. He knows I use it because he's seen it charging periodically 😅

To be fair I've told him I get turned on seeing him on screen. I wouldn't like it if he did the same to be fair to him and he did buy me something to do with him for my birthday. So he's not that bad about it. I'd rather watch him on my own anyway because he does get me very worked up.

I've answered this somewhere up thread. He read one over my shoulder once and now sometimes he asks if my books contain sex scenes.

Jeez, well my solution would be get a kindle and then he’ll never know what your reading or make a false dust jacket for the book you’re reading.

So, what's his problem with your reading matter?

I think this is the reason OP - he sees your reading material as equivalent to the porn he now denies himself, so he resents you enjoying it

Just buy a kindle