Full time job with young kids

[Calica1]

Current situation is I have a 13 month old little boy who I get to spend a lot of time with as I'm lucky to only have to work 2 nights a week in a supermarket for us to get by.

My partner is really keen for me to go back to full time work in order for us to have more money and improve our lives (bigger house and nice holidays)

Our son is going to nursery 2 part days a week just to get some socialisation but honestly I think he hates it and I'm keen to pull him out which is the opposite of what getting a full time job would entail as he would have to go in full time.

In order to go back to work I'd have to retrain for something else as I can't go back to retail management as the hours don't work with 2 parents in retail management and personally I just think my little boy is just too little to be made to go be with strangers all day and barely see his parents.

I appreciate the fact my partner wants to improve our lives and also that he doesn't like our current arrangement of never seeing each other as I work the 2 nights he doesn't but I feel like our son is the priority. I'll also add I'm keen to have a second baby soon which then means putting 2 young kids in nursery just to earn more money.

So am I being unreasonable to say I just want to focus on my kids until they are a lot older and it's okay if we are getting by on my part time wage?

I wouldn't want him to give up his career. I want more children so I'll be going on maternity leave and part time multiple times which would affect my ability to move up in retail.

I also wouldn't want my career over my partner having his as I care more about being with my children then a career so I'd rather he was the one building his career and moving up and my money is just additional.

He is also very good at helping out with housework and cooking etc considering I'm at home 5 days a week.

As for the part time. You can request flexible working but they don't have to agree if it doesn't meet business needs as is the case for my partners role. And I'm very unlikely to get hired as a retail manager requesting part time flexible working from day 1 vs someone willing to come in full time with full flexibility.

sure. Parents have to balance. But in this specific situation this woman is living in a substandard home with her ex partner, her current partner, and her baby - and some number of pets. They can’t afford to keep going unless something dramatic changes - even if the dramatic change is 2 years away, it won’t get any closer by ignoring it for 5 more years. It’s way past the scenario of ‘choosing’ things now, it’s just not sustainable.

And I don’t know if it’s just different where I live but the only person I know with young children who isn’t working at all is someone who retired early as her husband is super wealthy. Everyone else I know at the school, at work or socially is working. I know plenty of parents (not just mums) who work flexibly or part time, but it’s not crazy to think that children will have two working parents. And yes - the schools do not have 100% attendance at the many events they have, but actually our school has been mindful of this and in recent years has scaled back, given more notice ‘and’ the teachers always note that their parent or carer ’might’ come and have something fun for those kids who don’t have a parent there. It’s much more inclusive than even when my daughter started 10 years ago and it’s great to see.

Could you not speak to stepchange etc to consolidate your debts and pay a smaller amount? Entitled to all the benefits you can get?
Apologies if you've been over these qs
Could you maybe do a career change into a teaching assistant or something? School hours then

I understand i may have to work more than I would like if we can find something that pays enough to make it worthwhile.

‘I also don't agree with everyone that's fussing about pensions and holidays, blah blah blah. You don't get this time back with your children. These are some of the most important years in your child's life and will determine the person they become.’

Disagree with this statement above. As a mum of older children I can tell you that every year of your child’s life will be equally important and will need your influential involvement in different ways.

Your children will probably need you even more during secondary school when they are learning to navigate their peers and tricky situations than when they are two and wanting to play hide and seek. They won’t even remember if it was your playing it with them, or their nursery teacher or auntie by the time they are six.

Active parenting doesn’t end when your child goes to school and you will influence the person they become at every stage. Therefore , not working to focus on preschool is pretty pointless. When your child is 7 believe me, he’ll be embarrassed his home lacks ceilings. By 10 he’ll be too embarrassed to bring friends over. Put him in nursery longer and focus on paying the debt and repairing your home.

I know lots of families where both parents work fulltime in retail, there is no reason you had to quit your job, you’re also not limited to minimum wage, thats an odd limitation you have decided to set yourself. You say you could take a job if it improved finances, if that was true you wouldn’t have quit your job.

Yout partner is paying for a house your ex boyfriend owns, if he has any sense he would be paying £0 towards that mortgage. Not only that he is yours and your exs convenient housemate. He has zero housing security, the fact he is paying anything to a house he has no right to enter puts him in an incredibly vulnerable situation. On top of that you’re unwilling to work enough to pay for your own home.

You need to be paying your half of the mortgage and all of your debts, not bringing someone in to do that on your behalf, and then moaning when you’re expected to financially contribute.

What are your exes hours like? Maybe he could help with the childcare?

How many of those families live with their ex in a house with no ceiling?

Really? He has no choice but to live with them due to financial reasons, it would be incredibly wrong to expect him to look after their child. It will be bad enough for him already.

My partner earns too much for us to get any benefits besides child benefits.

I've had a look but because we have the money to be able to afford the debt payments plus money left over we can't lower them.

Career change when DS is of school age in 3 and half years could be an option. Doesn't benefit much now as would still have to pay childcare.

I taught Reception for a decade prior to having my own children. Despite me explaining not everyone could come to things, both myself and my TA ALWAYS had a handful of children holding our hands, sobbing and inconsolable after a class assembly/event because nobody was there. It absolutely does matter to the children, they would ask me why there Mummy wasn’t there, they are 4-5, of course they want them there! That is why I always knew I would never do that to my own children. Right decision for me 100%.

I was 100% joking! The whole situation is ridiculous.

Whilst my ex is very fond of my DS is think childcare takes the piss a bit 🙈 and he also works retail and odd hours.

Oh good! Sorry. You just never know on here. 😂

My previous role involved me working anywhere from 5am-11pm and I was often working 16 hour days and 6 days a week. Whilst my partner works 10pm - 7-7-30am.

How many childcare facilities do you know that cater for 4am drop offs or 11.30pm pick ups?

Also i had 2 seizures during my labour which lost me my licence so I didn't have a choice in quiting that particular job. Retail management hours are not set between childcare hours of 7.30-6.30 and unless you work night management like my partner they are not set shifts and days either.

I am glad you found something that works for you. I’ve never seen this situation and I’ve made it to probably 80% of the school events. I’m sorry these children had a rough time but please don’t make parents feel guilty for missing things when it’s unavoidable - there are plenty of stories of perfectly happy children coping with different experiences too.

the one time I missed some open classroom thing this year my son didn’t even notice as he was busy playing with his friend who also didn’t have a parent there. Totally unbothered. Am sure it happens but I am guessing your children don’t come home to some random ex partner in a house with no ceilings and parents arguing.

Opting out of the workforce is a privilege and it’s not a failure if you cannot make that work for your family.

From this update, your partner is right, you do need to get back into full time work. Being a stay at home mum is wonderful if you afford it, as a couple, but you two absolutely can’t, and your partner shouldn’t be expected to have the brunt of the pressure on his shoulders when you unilaterally made the decision to be a SAHM.

I think you need to get sensible and think about the longer term gains and plans with your head - as at the moment you are in the moment with a very young child and some confusing (illogical) thoughts about childcare.

As general comments both your financial and housing situation are really precarious.

Paying 1k a month on debt alone on
lowish salaries is awful - not surprising you guys can't afford to run a household without living with your ex ( who presumably is paying half the mortgage and bills?). - you cannot afford to work just 2 nights surely!

Then you say the house is run down and needs work?

You are very clear that you don't see nursery as having g any emotional benefits to your child but can't see that being raised in a household with you current partner and your ex might be rather confusing?

You talk about needing a full time minimum wage office job but have a background at management level retail? Why are you going backwards in your career and accepting a lesser role?

If it's the partner on perm nights then that's something to address too - can you look at both of you stil being retail managers but working opposite shifts as far as possible thus minimising the need for FT childcare. I'm sure you will come back to say why this isn't at all possible but i suspect is because u don't really want to do that.

And finally - it's very easy for the person working less hours and having more downtime at home to say they are happy to forgo holidays or any of lives niceties - but when you are the partner doing the hard graft it's much less appealing to accept!

I suggest you start wuyh getting back to retail mgt and work with your partner to look at shift structures.
Hammer away at the debt and clear it.
Then look at housing situation - buy your ex out or sell and move
Either ensure you are independently financially stable or get married asap- if you don't and carry on as you are then you are in an increasingly precarious situation

Kids get more expensive and it's beneficial to be able to afford for them to partake in hobbies, travel, experiences and things like driving lessons when older

In terms of adding another baby to this mix - well, think this is more about looking for an excuse not to work more! I would aim to get working arrangements sorted for both parties, debt paid off and housing stabilised before thinking about this - you do have time on your side! With some focus you could look at when eldest starts school.

And finally - stop thinking about strangers raising children! Parents raise children - you are not sending them to a care home, it's an environment where they can learn and engage and make relationships with others, this builds independence, resilience and confidence. And even if you don't accept that it doesn't damage in the slightest.

Most children have a daddy too. Where's daddy? and why is the expectation always on mummy?

The issue there is we need to stop making mothers the default parent. Daddy needs to be just as responsible for making some school events too.

The debt is all mine and my partners We consolidated some joint debt when we found out I was pregnant. We also took out a loan to he able to do some work on the house but unfortunately my partner lost his licence due to sleep apnea and had to go off work for 3-4 months which ate into a lot of the loan. He has a loan in his name, I have a loan in mine and then I've also got some credit cards in my name

He’s already paying half of the bills in the home when he really should be only paying third! I think asking him to do childcare would be taking the ultimate piss to be honest!!

It appears he has also taken out loans to fund improvements in her property too!

@Calica1 the more I read the more I think having a baby was a really stupid decision on your part, I’m sorry but it really was. No proper home and a shit ton of debt. People will say there’s no right time blah blah blah…but there’s wrong times to have a child and you chose one! I know you can’t change that now, you made your bed and all. But as I have said…don’t have another.

Thank you for your response.

My partner could stay in his current role and I could go get an office job but the finances don't make sense doing that due to the low wage.

I've been keeping eye out for retail management jobs but they all seem to involve cross over with my partners night hours and none have a set schedule to be able to book or arrange childcare (or involve weekends which there is no childcare) but I'm always keeping an eye out and there is a possibility something may come up.

I would have to accept a lesser role as the hours in retail (that I have been able to find) just don't work) obviously there is a chance something will come up with hours that work but that's a waiting game I guess.

People who are saying children will always need you whatever age. Of course they will, but teenagers/young adults are more likely to understand why you can't be there with them every second of the day, and they'll also appreciate you need to work and sets a good example to them.