Page 10 | Full time job with young kids

Calica1 · 2025-04-26T18:18:50+00:00

Current situation is I have a 13 month old little boy who I get to spend a lot of time with as I'm lucky to only have to work 2 nights a week in a supermarket for us to get by. My partner is really keen for me to go back to full time work in order for us to have more money and improve our lives (bigger house and nice holidays) Our son is going to nursery 2 part days a week just to get some socialisation but honestly I think he hates it and I'm keen to pull him out which is the opposite of what getting a full time job would entail as he would have to go in full time. In order to go back to work I'd have to retrain for something else as I can't go back to retail management as the hours don't work with 2 parents in retail management and personally I just think my little boy is just too little to be made to go be with strangers all day and barely see his parents. I appreciate the fact my partner wants to improve our lives and also that he doesn't like our current arrangement of never seeing each other as I work the 2 nights he doesn't but I feel like our son is the priority. I'll also add I'm keen to have a second baby soon which then means putting 2 young kids in nursery just to earn more money. So am I being unreasonable to say I just want to focus on my kids until they are a lot older and it's okay if we are getting by on my part time wage?

smileymileysmiley · 27/04/2025 09:02

Coolasfeck · 27/04/2025 08:34

‘I also don't agree with everyone that's fussing about pensions and holidays, blah blah blah. You don't get this time back with your children. These are some of the most important years in your child's life and will determine the person they become.’

Disagree with this statement above. As a mum of older children I can tell you that every year of your child’s life will be equally important and will need your influential involvement in different ways.

Your children will probably need you even more during secondary school when they are learning to navigate their peers and tricky situations than when they are two and wanting to play hide and seek. They won’t even remember if it was your playing it with them, or their nursery teacher or auntie by the time they are six.

Active parenting doesn’t end when your child goes to school and you will influence the person they become at every stage. Therefore , not working to focus on preschool is pretty pointless. When your child is 7 believe me, he’ll be embarrassed his home lacks ceilings. By 10 he’ll be too embarrassed to bring friends over. Put him in nursery longer and focus on paying the debt and repairing your home.

absolutely this! By teenager time it would mortifying and then try to explain why mums ex and current partner are sharing a house! I'm actually sure OP is a joke at this point

Original poster

Calica1 · 27/04/2025 09:03

Upsetbetty · 27/04/2025 09:01

@Calica1 the more I read the more I think having a baby was a really stupid decision on your part, I’m sorry but it really was. No proper home and a shit ton of debt. People will say there’s no right time blah blah blah…but there’s wrong times to have a child and you chose one! I know you can’t change that now, you made your bed and all. But as I have said…don’t have another.

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Quite possibly it was a stupid decision. But it's a decision I can't change and also not something I regret.

OP posts:

smileymileysmiley · 27/04/2025 09:05

Calica1 · 27/04/2025 09:02

Thank you for your response.

My partner could stay in his current role and I could go get an office job but the finances don't make sense doing that due to the low wage.

I've been keeping eye out for retail management jobs but they all seem to involve cross over with my partners night hours and none have a set schedule to be able to book or arrange childcare (or involve weekends which there is no childcare) but I'm always keeping an eye out and there is a possibility something may come up.

I would have to accept a lesser role as the hours in retail (that I have been able to find) just don't work) obviously there is a chance something will come up with hours that work but that's a waiting game I guess.

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you totally miss the point about your partner needing to amend his hours as well. This is a joint problem needing a joint solution

Upsetbetty · 27/04/2025 09:05

OutandAboutMum1821 · 27/04/2025 08:44

I taught Reception for a decade prior to having my own children. Despite me explaining not everyone could come to things, both myself and my TA ALWAYS had a handful of children holding our hands, sobbing and inconsolable after a class assembly/event because nobody was there. It absolutely does matter to the children, they would ask me why there Mummy wasn’t there, they are 4-5, of course they want them there! That is why I always knew I would never do that to my own children. Right decision for me 100%.

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Her partner works nights so is available during the day to go to the school for shows etc. not ideal as he would be tired but better than nothing.

Original poster

Calica1 · 27/04/2025 09:06

smileymileysmiley · 27/04/2025 09:02

absolutely this! By teenager time it would mortifying and then try to explain why mums ex and current partner are sharing a house! I'm actually sure OP is a joke at this point

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Once the debt is gone we will be able to buy ex out so my son won't be a teenager living with my ex.

We also have £400 left a month so the house will slowly get done up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Calica1 · 27/04/2025 09:09

smileymileysmiley · 27/04/2025 09:05

you totally miss the point about your partner needing to amend his hours as well. This is a joint problem needing a joint solution

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Yes but that is easier said than done as would also involve a paycut to him. And if we both did daytime retail management we would likely both end up working weekends as well as potential crossover with shifts. 2 people working varying shifts isn't something that allows for easy childcare planning. Not to mention the lack of childcare on a weekend.

But yes I can see that the only logical option for me to work and earn enough for it to be beneficial would be retail management so I will have to keep an eye out for vacancies which will allow set shifts monday-friday with no early starts or late finishes.

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OutandAboutMum1821 · 27/04/2025 09:10

PurpleThistle7 · 27/04/2025 08:56

I am glad you found something that works for you. I’ve never seen this situation and I’ve made it to probably 80% of the school events. I’m sorry these children had a rough time but please don’t make parents feel guilty for missing things when it’s unavoidable - there are plenty of stories of perfectly happy children coping with different experiences too.

the one time I missed some open classroom thing this year my son didn’t even notice as he was busy playing with his friend who also didn’t have a parent there. Totally unbothered. Am sure it happens but I am guessing your children don’t come home to some random ex partner in a house with no ceilings and parents arguing.

Opting out of the workforce is a privilege and it’s not a failure if you cannot make that work for your family.

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It’s absolutely not a failure of any individual or family (there is a cost of living crisis after all), it is a catastrophic failure of society and several governments, who have completely devalued and disregarded any positives of having either 1 parent or both working part-time being able to afford to fully focus on their home and family. It used to be easily achievable, and absolutely should be a choice for anybody with children.

Moonnstars · 27/04/2025 09:11

Calica1 · 27/04/2025 08:10

Possibly. But equally it just delays how long it is until I can potentially go back to full time work?

It's not something we have agreed on or set in stone I've just made it clear I'm keen for another one soon but not set on it.

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But you seem very deluded about your current situation. You don't properly have a house with your partner - I am surprised he pays towards the mortgage and covers any cost as he has no rights to this.

Where would another baby go in the house? You are already taking up an extra bedroom compared to your ex who you ultimately own the house with. What if he does meet someone and they have a child they want to move in? How would you decide who gets the spare room if your DS is already in it as you both share the house equally?
Based on the speed you moved on from your ex (new partner, immediately have a baby) he seems very understanding to have you all living in the same house. Likewise I don't think I would want to be living with my partner, having sex with them, being a family with a new child knowing my ex of just a year is also living in the same house!

My priorities would be to sell the house and make a life with your partner rather than having another child.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 27/04/2025 09:13

Upsetbetty · 27/04/2025 09:05

Her partner works nights so is available during the day to go to the school for shows etc. not ideal as he would be tired but better than nothing.

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Genuinely why do people want to live like this? Sleep is really important. It would be better, it’s always better if somebody is there, but why are families expected to run themselves into the ground? Work all hours, meet school expectations, sacrifice their sleep? The cost of living crisis is appalling. It is OK as a human to want to sleep, rest, heaven forbid have time for a hobby, without feeling as if they cannot survive day to day financially 🥲

notacooldad · 27/04/2025 09:13

‘I also don't agree with everyone that's fussing about pensions and holidays, blah blah blah. You don't get this time back with your children. These are some of the most important years in your child's life and will determine the person they become.’

Disagree with this statement above. As a mum of older children I can tell you that every year of your child’s life will be equally important and will need your influential involvement in different ways.

I agree with children needing you even more during the secondary years. There are more pressures on teens from cyber bullying negative peer pressure, their own insecurities, exam pressures, the list goes on.

While they are still at primary they are pretty much contained and influenced by parents and immediate family. That control goes once they are in high school ( generally speaking of course) Having teens took more of my time as I wanted to be involved with them and also to be out of the house with them so they didn't become indoor kids addicted to gaming or worse.
The teen years are the years where I think the relationship between parent and child is tested the most and you need to put the work in to have a successfully outcome.

Simonjt · 27/04/2025 09:15

OutandAboutMum1821 · 27/04/2025 09:13

Genuinely why do people want to live like this? Sleep is really important. It would be better, it’s always better if somebody is there, but why are families expected to run themselves into the ground? Work all hours, meet school expectations, sacrifice their sleep? The cost of living crisis is appalling. It is OK as a human to want to sleep, rest, heaven forbid have time for a hobby, without feeling as if they cannot survive day to day financially 🥲

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He currently has to live like this as his partner refuses to financially contribute to the family.

Original poster

Calica1 · 27/04/2025 09:15

Simonjt · 27/04/2025 08:35

I know lots of families where both parents work fulltime in retail, there is no reason you had to quit your job, you’re also not limited to minimum wage, thats an odd limitation you have decided to set yourself. You say you could take a job if it improved finances, if that was true you wouldn’t have quit your job.

Yout partner is paying for a house your ex boyfriend owns, if he has any sense he would be paying £0 towards that mortgage. Not only that he is yours and your exs convenient housemate. He has zero housing security, the fact he is paying anything to a house he has no right to enter puts him in an incredibly vulnerable situation. On top of that you’re unwilling to work enough to pay for your own home.

You need to be paying your half of the mortgage and all of your debts, not bringing someone in to do that on your behalf, and then moaning when you’re expected to financially contribute.

So in this case do I make my partner be a stay at home dad which he would hate or work part time giving up his career that he worked hard for and loves so that I can work full time management and be able to pay 'my bills'

So the result there is still no more income coming into the household, a partner who is miserable being a stay at home dad and the knowledge that he's given up his career and at some point I will be wanting more children so we then lose lots of money whilst I go on maternity and then he gets to continue to be a stay at home dad when he doesn't want to be whilst I'm doing a job where I have no desire to move upwards and take on more responsibility so our household income never increases?

Not sure that's the logical solution.

OP posts:

mewkins · 27/04/2025 09:18

Hi OP,

I think you need to embrace the fact that you do need to work more in order to get out of debt and give your house ceilings if nothing else! Then can you access some careers advice and get a plan together for retraining? You must have some transferable skills (people management, payroll etc). It doesn't mean you'll go into a minimum wage office job for full time hours. There are lots of different careers out there which you could be suitable for. Some will be office hours, some shift work etc.

Original poster

Calica1 · 27/04/2025 09:18

Simonjt · 27/04/2025 09:15

He currently has to live like this as his partner refuses to financially contribute to the family.

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You can't say in refuse to contribute when I work part time. The better phrase would be in refuse to work a minimum wage job to not bring home more money than I currently am after expenses or I'm currently unable to find a career in retail management which allows the flexibility to not need to work weekends or early or late.

If we were losing money every month and I refused to work at all I would 100% understand this comment. But I work the 2 nights my partner doesn't so that we can afford our bills and have a bit left to try and clear debt and improve the house. Which btw sucks that my son doesn't get time with both his parents together but it's what we had to do.

OP posts:

Upsetbetty · 27/04/2025 09:20

OutandAboutMum1821 · 27/04/2025 09:13

Genuinely why do people want to live like this? Sleep is really important. It would be better, it’s always better if somebody is there, but why are families expected to run themselves into the ground? Work all hours, meet school expectations, sacrifice their sleep? The cost of living crisis is appalling. It is OK as a human to want to sleep, rest, heaven forbid have time for a hobby, without feeling as if they cannot survive day to day financially 🥲

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Yeah it’s not how I would live…but that’s what they are choosing I suppose. So it’s an option

Simonjt · 27/04/2025 09:20

Calica1 · 27/04/2025 09:18

You can't say in refuse to contribute when I work part time. The better phrase would be in refuse to work a minimum wage job to not bring home more money than I currently am after expenses or I'm currently unable to find a career in retail management which allows the flexibility to not need to work weekends or early or late.

If we were losing money every month and I refused to work at all I would 100% understand this comment. But I work the 2 nights my partner doesn't so that we can afford our bills and have a bit left to try and clear debt and improve the house. Which btw sucks that my son doesn't get time with both his parents together but it's what we had to do.

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He is losing money every month as he is servicing your debts by paying your mortgage and paying for a loan taken out to improve your property.

Upsetbetty · 27/04/2025 09:22

If you’re partner made a post from his point of view @Calica1 he would have a resounding “leave her” opinion…believe me!

Keirawr · 27/04/2025 09:23

Calica1 · 27/04/2025 00:05

There wouldn't be any childcare for him to pick up as DS would have to be in nursery. He already helps with all the cooking etc anyway as he prefers cooking.

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So then you can work full time?

Upsetbetty · 27/04/2025 09:24

And if your ex made a post…well, it would be a mix of wtf!? and sell the house now!

Original poster

Calica1 · 27/04/2025 09:24

Moonnstars · 27/04/2025 09:11

But you seem very deluded about your current situation. You don't properly have a house with your partner - I am surprised he pays towards the mortgage and covers any cost as he has no rights to this.

Where would another baby go in the house? You are already taking up an extra bedroom compared to your ex who you ultimately own the house with. What if he does meet someone and they have a child they want to move in? How would you decide who gets the spare room if your DS is already in it as you both share the house equally?
Based on the speed you moved on from your ex (new partner, immediately have a baby) he seems very understanding to have you all living in the same house. Likewise I don't think I would want to be living with my partner, having sex with them, being a family with a new child knowing my ex of just a year is also living in the same house!

My priorities would be to sell the house and make a life with your partner rather than having another child.

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Me and my ex were split for 2 years before I met my partner. So we have been split for around 4 years but considering my ex was sleeping with someone else from 6 months into our relationship I use the word ex lightly. More like 2 friends sleeping together and buying a house.

My ex isn't willing to sell the house as we would have to rehome all of the animals. As we are not unhappy in our current situation me and my partner agreed we would all stay together until we could buy him out.

A second baby would be with us for the 1st year and then share with DS.

OP posts:

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/04/2025 09:25

Upsetbetty · 27/04/2025 09:22

If you’re partner made a post from his point of view @Calica1 he would have a resounding “leave her” opinion…believe me!

It would definitely be my opinion. As well as how crazy he is for paying for a house that isn't even his.

Original poster

Calica1 · 27/04/2025 09:26

Keirawr · 27/04/2025 09:23

So then you can work full time?

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If I worked full time in a minimum wage office job (which is realistically why I would have to do to work around partners hours) I would lose all the money I'm gaining to childcare plus the cost of getting and running a car which is just silly to work an extra 27 hours for a tiny monthly gain which will likely get eaten up by me having to tak3 time off when DS is sick.

OP posts:

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/04/2025 09:26

Calica1 · 27/04/2025 09:24

Me and my ex were split for 2 years before I met my partner. So we have been split for around 4 years but considering my ex was sleeping with someone else from 6 months into our relationship I use the word ex lightly. More like 2 friends sleeping together and buying a house.

My ex isn't willing to sell the house as we would have to rehome all of the animals. As we are not unhappy in our current situation me and my partner agreed we would all stay together until we could buy him out.

A second baby would be with us for the 1st year and then share with DS.

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Are the animals something else your partner pays for? Or does your ex pay for them?

Espresso25 · 27/04/2025 09:26

I think your OH is being naive if he thinks FT work will actually be all that profitable over the next few years. I did 3 days and nursey was 2/3 of my pretty decent take home salary. You aren’t likely to earn a fortune going from supermarket assistant to the next step FT. It will be an entry level job.

There’s definitely FT and FULL TIME, for example I can work 35 hours a week and be FT, my DH does no less than 60. 35 hours a week with small kids is realistic, a job where you need to sell your soul to climb the ladder isn’t.

Upsetbetty · 27/04/2025 09:27

🤣🤣🤣 actually the more I read this the more I think this is insane it can’t ACTUALLY be real @Calica1 i actually hope you’re a troll…I feel sorry for everyone involved here including this second child you are so intent on having! You seem so utterly deluded and selfish it’s unreal!