Full time job with young kids

[Calica1]

Current situation is I have a 13 month old little boy who I get to spend a lot of time with as I'm lucky to only have to work 2 nights a week in a supermarket for us to get by.

My partner is really keen for me to go back to full time work in order for us to have more money and improve our lives (bigger house and nice holidays)

Our son is going to nursery 2 part days a week just to get some socialisation but honestly I think he hates it and I'm keen to pull him out which is the opposite of what getting a full time job would entail as he would have to go in full time.

In order to go back to work I'd have to retrain for something else as I can't go back to retail management as the hours don't work with 2 parents in retail management and personally I just think my little boy is just too little to be made to go be with strangers all day and barely see his parents.

I appreciate the fact my partner wants to improve our lives and also that he doesn't like our current arrangement of never seeing each other as I work the 2 nights he doesn't but I feel like our son is the priority. I'll also add I'm keen to have a second baby soon which then means putting 2 young kids in nursery just to earn more money.

So am I being unreasonable to say I just want to focus on my kids until they are a lot older and it's okay if we are getting by on my part time wage?

So you live with your ex, in a house that is falling down, and your new partner is expected to earn the majority of the household income to repair this house, while allowing you to be a SAHM?

Some very confusing choices here.

He's allowing me to work part time yes as financially this is the most logical after taking out childcare and travel expenses from a full time minimum wage job.

The house isn't falling down it's just not fully renovated. So no downstairs ceilings as they were taken down years ago to redo electrics. An incomplete but functional kitchen due to a wall being removed years ago. But yes he technically funds this as he earns 90% of our income.

Yes I am aware of this and I didn't mean to cause offense. And perhaps if me having a full time job would improve my household income to provide my son with more then I would consider it worthwhile. But when the childcare and travel costs balance out to the same as I'm earning now I don't agree he should be 'looked after' by other people all week rather than his mum.

There's a lot of judgement on this post.

I just want to say that I think it's perfectly reasonable that you want to be around to take care of your own child rather than put them in nursery. No one is saying that nursery is going to damage your child, but the best place for a child to be is with a loving parent. That's where you should be.

It sounds like you have a good partner. You need to find a way that this situation works for you both. But that doesn't mean just going back to work full time, if that doesn't make sense financially. Have you sat down with your partner to look at the minutiae of the finances if you went back to work? You're totally right - very often it doesn't make sense to go back to work full time for minimum wage when you are paying for childcare. Maybe instead of just agreeing to go back full time for minimum wage, you work out exactly what wage you would need to earn to make it financially beneficial and then agree to start looking for a job (maybe that's not even full time, but something that works with the 30 free hours) that fits, hours, wage etc. I feel, in your situation, this is perfectly reasonable.

I also don't agree with everyone that's fussing about pensions and holidays, blah blah blah. You don't get this time back with your children. These are some of the most important years in your child's life and will determine the person they become. The best place for your child to be is with you. It's not possible for everyone but if you can make it work (and not cause resentment in your relationship, as a father and a happy home are also important!) then good for you! The holidays, the home repairs, the pension - that's something you can worry about when they get older. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Thank you so much for such a kind response. I think I'm going to sit down and do all the maths and then sit down and go through it with him so he understands it all and hopefully we can then make a logical plan together.

You can change things now. Like how having another baby is a terrible idea.

There’s no right or wrong answer when it comes to staying at home vs working but if you expect someone else to support you and the family then that really needs to be a joint decision. I think your financial situation does have an impact too tbh, it sounds like you desperately in need of more income; 1k a month on debts is pretty wild.

you need to run the numbers with your OH and work out the benefit of you going back to work and come to a compromise.

Feel very sorry for your ex. Poor thing having no choice but to live with your lack of common sense (more sense of entitlement). No way should he be paying 50/50 if you’re using 2 of the 3 bedrooms. Can’t even imagine living with my ex, her new boyfriend and their child. Awful.

She’s not being naive actually. It gives some families far greater flexibility having a parent at home, especially given they work in retail (or any job where you can’t work flexibly/remotely).

Mine have been back at school for 3 days. I already have a phonics check meeting and Reception parent information date coming up which were given with 1 week’s notice and both within the school day. Similarly, I have already popped in for a poetry performance, World Book Day event, phonics demo (all of these were on random days and times within the school day). Oh and my children are different ages, so all of their Christmas performances and sports days are on different dates/times. I also pop in by school invitation for 10-30 mins every Friday with my DD (who does pre-school mornings).

Most families here have a SAHM or very part-time parent. Those who both work full-time often both miss these things, or send a GP. I have seen some of their children alone and upset at these events, I know because I am always there, my son also noticed and we decided to include them and read to them so they weren’t sat there alone watching the others with their Mums. This may be inconvenient for some to hear, but it is the absolute truth.

OP there is nothing wrong with wanting to be be present for your own children, or wanting to spend time with your DH instead of you both working shifts and never seeing each other!

Possibly. But equally it just delays how long it is until I can potentially go back to full time work?

It's not something we have agreed on or set in stone I've just made it clear I'm keen for another one soon but not set on it.

If you wait until your finances are better and you are working a bit more plus you don't have two in nursery at the same time then it won't need to delay anything.

Having a baby now will delay what you can do. Also, how will your ex feel about another baby in the house?

1k a month in debt is very wild i won't disagree with that!

We definitely need to discuss things and work out what's best for us.

Work out the numbers for different working patterns. I found working 3 days per week had the best financial balance in terms of wages coming in versus childcare costs.

I did this up until a few months before my youngest started school, when a great full time opportunity came up and I took it as I would have been looking for f/t when he started school anyway.

We agreed 50/50 as he will be entitled to 50% of the equity when I buy him out and it seemed the fairest way.

I feel sorry for him as well but he doesn't have any other options unfortunately.

Whose debts are they?
yours or his or both? And if both what is the split?

I think you’re burying your head in the sand a bit. Your dh isn’t a massive earner and you only work very part time. Your house is in a bad state. He’s clearly unhappy with how things are at the moment. Your pension pot must be tiny also. I’m still very close to ds(4) even when I had to go back to work full time with the less flexible job than my dh. It’s perfectly doable. He won’t even remember this time in a few years.

Gosh I can see your DHs side here. I’d hate to be working full time and still not even have a ceiling or fully functioning kitchen let alone a holiday. Sounds depressing.

I think you need to forget number 2 for now, there’s no need to have a small age gap. Focus on clearing debts and getting the house to a livable standard first. I genuinely think your relationship is at risk if bring another baby into your current set up.

So you’re going to take advantage of his lack of options and keep him in this awful situation? Your morals need looking at.

Also, your ex could force a sale when he gets really sick of this. He could get a new partner tomorrow and decide enough is enough. You’re building air castles in quick sand.

I totally get what you are saying. But if say I delayed having another baby. That's 3-4 year of being in our current situation and then once my son started school our finances would be in a better position as the debt would likely be gone so I'd then be having another baby and then that's another 4-5 years of not working full time. So that's 8-9 years of not working full time anyway. So I guess in my mind I could have another sooner and it wouldn't really make much difference to us?

But yes perhaps I'm naive and should have the big age gap.

100% aware he could force a sale and to be honest that would benefit us as it would allow us to pay off our debt with the equity. But my ex doesn't want to rehome all the animals which is the reason he doesn't want to sell.

It's not about lack of morals. He doesn't want to sell the house and rehome all the pets so we agreed we would stay here and split costs.

There are no jobs in retail that don’t allow part time - that’s breaking the law.

yes of course he doesn’t want parenting and housework to impact his career , but he’s happy for it to impact YOUR career. Think about that. Then think again, really hard . Think what ut will be like for you and your kids if your marriage is one of the 50% which break down and you are left supporting your kids alone on your wages.

He wants equality in some ways but not others . He wants you to earn more money, you to magically find a new job that will earn good money but also you to do everything in the house and with your child.

He can’t have it both ways.

You’ve already affected your career by taking maternity leave and going PT, taking a hit on your pension. Now it’s his turn to take the hit .

Don’t have another baby with him until he is doing 50% of the childcare and housework .

My pension is non existent. Think I have £1600 but that wouldn't change much from a full time job. Currently put in 35 a month. Full time job would be 50 a month so not much in it.

If I could find a job that pays enough to actually improve our finances (not equal the same as I'm earning now after childcare and travel expenses) then I would consider it. But entry level office jobs all seem to be minimum wage but I'll keep an eye out for something entry level that pays better.

You need to come to terms with the fact that you will likely need to work more than you would ideally like to, especially if you want another child or maybe decide to stay as you are for now but accept having one child.

You live with your ex
You have no ceiling
You are in debt

Your head is definitely in the sand. Why would you bring another baby in to this mess?