Full time job with young kids

[Calica1]

Current situation is I have a 13 month old little boy who I get to spend a lot of time with as I'm lucky to only have to work 2 nights a week in a supermarket for us to get by.

My partner is really keen for me to go back to full time work in order for us to have more money and improve our lives (bigger house and nice holidays)

Our son is going to nursery 2 part days a week just to get some socialisation but honestly I think he hates it and I'm keen to pull him out which is the opposite of what getting a full time job would entail as he would have to go in full time.

In order to go back to work I'd have to retrain for something else as I can't go back to retail management as the hours don't work with 2 parents in retail management and personally I just think my little boy is just too little to be made to go be with strangers all day and barely see his parents.

I appreciate the fact my partner wants to improve our lives and also that he doesn't like our current arrangement of never seeing each other as I work the 2 nights he doesn't but I feel like our son is the priority. I'll also add I'm keen to have a second baby soon which then means putting 2 young kids in nursery just to earn more money.

So am I being unreasonable to say I just want to focus on my kids until they are a lot older and it's okay if we are getting by on my part time wage?

100% what my partner wants isn't unreasonable at all! He's amazing and most people couldn't cope in the situation we are in and would have walked away especially with the short time we have been together.

But it is the situation we are in and the solution isn't me working a full time minimum wage job with less than £100 extra pay per month which is likely to be eaten up by other things like time off when DS is sick.

Sorry this isn't a proper response to your problem, but just to say that your son might hate nursery because he only goes for two afternoons. If you did decide to work full time/more hours, and he went for 3-4 days, he'd likely settle better and enjoy it. I just did the same as you did with our first (hated nursery) but our second goes 4 days and absolutely loves it! Just in case this helps the decision either way ie stop nursery completely or go for the job route.

Oh OP, on Mumsnet it’s the rule you must put your kids in childcare and have to focus on your high flying career!

You are perfectly reasonable to want to maximise the time you spend bringing your child up, and it isn’t a choice you’d regret - there’s more to life than money.

If you have £400 left at the end of the month, why do you have no savings? Does it all go towards repaying your debts? How long do you have left on those?

Thankyou for calling this out. This really infuriates me.

We have a small bit of savings (we are saving to get the ceilings and plastering done) and some goes onto overpaying debt. Both loans have 4 years and then I've got some credit card debt too which is my priority for paying off. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel that in 4 years we will be 1k better off a month!

Sorry I really didn't mean to offended anyone with that comment!

Her DH needs to be in agreement though, and they need to have enough income to support a SAHM.

She can’t just unilaterally decide that’s what happening because it’s her preference, regardless of her DH’s view on it, leaving him to pick up the slack.

What’s your (including partners) overall take home versus expenses currently, @Calica1

£3664 bring home and around £3200-£3250 on expenses give or take depending on the food bill.

It's easy to say that there's more to life than money when you aren't the one who has to earn either all of it or the vast majority of it.

That’s a good take home considering you aren’t both FT, especially as you say you’ll have £1000 freed up in a few years!

I agree hence I got a 2 night a week job working the 2 nights he doesnt as we couldn't afford for me to be a SAHM.

But there is a difference between that which financially benefits us vs working full time which doesn't after the extra costs.

So I agree there has to be give and take but also some common sense?

So you think people who work and send their children to childcare do not raise their children? Not sure if you realised but earning and providing a home, food etc is part of raising a child.

I think you need to sort out a lot of stuff before considering a second child.

You and you're partner are currently living in a home mortgaged with your ex. That is crazy! Its no wonder your partner wants you to help earn more to surely sort out this weird situation and either buy the ex out or sell and move to your own place. How long will this arrangement last? How big is the house? Does your child have their own room? Does your ex have a partner? What if they have a child and want a claim on the house too? How does your partner contribute to this, do they pay rent? Is there a formal agreement as I can see this ending very messy.

You have debts which you aren't paying off. What is going on with the £400 you say you have left over each month? Could you not use this to bring the debt down? Or get the repairs on the house done. Also regarding the house maintenance, who is paying? If I was your partner I don't think I would be keen to contribute to a house that isn't mine. So again you need money to sort this with your ex.

You keep looking down on minimum wage jobs. I work a minimum wage job and over the years the way minimum wage has increased means my DH salaried job has actually reached the point of only just being above minimum wage as the sector he works in just doesn't give the pay rises you might get elsewhere. You have to get it out of your head that its beneath you because it's minimum wage and realise not everyone is living on these £60k plus jobs a lot of mumsnetters seem to find (which also include working from home looking after children).

Do you even like your partner? Part of me wonders if he isn't just a sperm donor to you as throughout all your posts you mention only ever wanting children and being with them, and you didn't know your partner long before getting pregnant.

Some retail pays quite well for its managers! That's why I feel like if we just sail the course and keep muddling through we will be in a much happier place in a few years time!

It only seems to be common sense when it is something you want anyway though. Where was this common sense when making some of the other decisions or the thought to add another baby to live with your ex?

Is your partner in his 20’s too. @Calica1 ?

Wow thank you for the long reply.

No my ex doesn't have a partner or any children. Its a 3 bed house and yes my son has his own room. Me and my partner put all our money together so there is no formal agreement. The mortgage and bills have been split in half so my ex pays half and we pay half. I don't disagree it's a very messy situation.

We are using the extra money jointly to put some money aside to do some of the work on the house and also try to start lowering the debt but it's a large amount of debt so it's going to take a while. As for repairs the aim is to split costs 50/50 between my ex and us but this isn't always possible as my ex has less spare than us.

Please don't think I'm looking down on minimum wage jobs! I have no issue with the fact the jobs themselves are minimum wage (entry level jobs should be minimum wage to them work upwards) it's more a case of the minimum wage job - the extra costs of childcare and extra vehicle mean my bring home is only 50-100 extra per month for 27 hours more work. That is where my issue lies not in the actual minimum wage job itself more the practicality of it after expenses.

I love and adore my partner and one of the hardest things for both of us is the fact we never see each other but no I won't deny my son takes priority over everything for me.

@Calica1 you could carry on working 2 nights a week but also work 2 days a week - the days your son is at nursery. It’s not fair on your husband.

He's 30

But you will have to compromise on time with your child. You don’t have the financial luxury to do any other. Same as many other people.
it’s crazy that you’re even considering having another child. You should have built a career and strong relationship to support yourself properly before having kids.
Did I read it correctly that you live with your ex but not your current partner?
Sounds like your desire for children is steam rollering over others’ lives: your poor ex who has to live with someone else’s baby, your current partner who you are using for money and your child in the middle.

I could work 1 of the days he's at nursery (the other is after my nightshift)

I'll have to keep an eye out for a 10-2 Monday only job.

My partner also lives with us but yes my ex still lives here as he also owns the house.

I will try to find a 10-2 job for the 1 day hes currently at nursery ontop of my 2 nights and then come September increase our funded hours and see if I can find a 10-2 job for a second day hes at nursery. It's a long shot to find but it would at least increase our income a bit.

Yes sometimes common sense isn't around when it should be but I can't change any of that.