To not cook separate meals for partner’s diet

[SmithyCakeJun]

My partner has always been insecure about his weight. He used to be a semi-pro MMA fighter but now just does it as a hobby and naturally gained some weight when the intensity of his training decreased. He is borderline overweight but nothing awful, and he’s perfectly fit and did Ben Nevis last week perfectly fine. So he’s not critical that he loses weight.

However, we’re getting married shortly and so the concern about his weight increased and he went on a weird diet where he only ate between 12-4pm. This was a pain in the arse as I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and so the times he was eating I wouldn’t be around to cook, and he refuses to cook himself. he works long days 4 days a week but gets a 90 minute break at lunchtime so comes home.

Due to his eating time requirements, I had to spend the best part of my Sunday’s meal prepping and had a load of rules. It had to be a variety of meals but no cream, only certain types of carbs etc. Bloody nightmare. He’d request chimichurri sauce, garlic mayo etc (which he also wants me to make as apparently supermarket mayo causes insulin resistance)

He’s now announced that he wants to continue the dieting after the wedding and has a goal weight. He wants to eat only meat and veg until he reaches the goal weight but wants it in 4 smaller sized meals a day at very specific times. He got this from some random instagram video which I don’t think he’s bothered to fact check. My own weight is perfectly healthy as I portion my food for my needs, and this means that I don’t need to limit my food and love making pasta, homemade pizza, curries etc. cooking is a hobby for me and I enjoy it, so I want to continue cooking the food I like. I don’t want to join him on his diet.

He has said that it’s not that difficult for me to throw some meat and veg in the oven for him whilst I’m preparing a different meal for myself, and he doesn’t understand why I’m so against it. For me, the problem is the whole extra level of life admin that goes along. Altering the food shop, meal prepping, ensuring I’m available at certain times to ensure he can eat when he “needs to”. Etc etc.

AIBU?

Oh no OP. That's ridiculous. He is bqsically saying you have become his Mother.
And what doea he bring to the table. Where does he go above and beyond? Main bread winner and contributes massively to the income? What does he bring to the relationship that matches your effort?

Big red flag. My DH once had to be on a very specific diet for a few months. We discussed meal planning together to work out where there could be crossover to save us cooking two different things but he managed his own prepping and cooking.

Unless there is another chore that he fully takes over to balance e.g. of you're doing all cooking then he does all cleaning, and that is agreed among you two then tell him to do one. How is he as a partner in other aspects of daily living?

I stopped reading at "Due to his eating time requirements, I had to spend the best part of my Sunday’s meal prepping and had a load of rules."
OP do you want this to be your life?

What have I just read!

he won’t cook! Tough shit. He wants to follow crackpot diets he cooks for himself, end of discussion

He drives you so feels you owe him and as payment he demands you cater to his dietary whims? You should start a spread sheet so that neither of you ever feels you did something for the other without equal payment in kind. This does not sound like the foundation for a happy marriage.

You are prepared to cook for him but not turn meal prep into a new time consuming hobby. Tell him to bugger off and sort his own food out.

I'll bet cooking isn't the only skill he's lost since he met you and there are probably more that will disappear upon marriage.

I'd think very carefully about whether you want your life to be one of meeting increasing demands from a piss taking partner. You need to assert this boundary now.

If you’ve already worked out a “Driving for Cooking” relationship then actually it is a little bit unfair of you to stop long what he has asked for.
However -
He is expecting far too much as a part of that deal at the moment!
So no, you’re not being the unreasonable one here.

How often and why does he drive you to places? Like every day to work and back? Occasionally?

If he drives you to work then imo that's facilitating you being able to earn to equally contribute finance wise, so he'd be told to swivel on my middle finger with his ridiculous demands.

If he drives you everywhere a lot including places jist for you (dunno, meeting pals etc) then MAYBE I'd be inclined to boil some veg for him a few times a week as a favour but again he'd have to sing for his home made mayo.

So I guess either way he's either a massive entitled prick, or a small one.

Can you get a bike? I hate cycling but would be that petty to get one so he couldn't hold the driving thing over me.

Then probably chuck him back in the sea.

Wow, I thought this would be a ‘my DH is gluten free vegan and wants me to make a GF plant based version of our family dinners when it’s my turn to cook’

but your fiance is incredibly unreasonable demanding you spend your weekends batch cooking special meals that he’s going to eat by himself while you are at work.

Don’t do it. He can get off his arse and batch cook his meals while you batch cook your meals. Or you can take turns doing both of yours but no way should this become 100% your job.

Why on earth are you marrying this man who you clearly resent, hate being around and spending time with? Nothing about this makes any sense.

He's so entitled and treating you like a slave - I doubt very much this behaviour is restricted to just food. Have an objective look at your relationship - is he like this in other areas? Are you planning on having kids with him - you might end up with doing all the work there is a partnership vibe missing.

Can you talk us through why he refuses to cook, gives you instructions, you spend your free time meal prepping when he won’t, yet you’re STILL getting married?

If I were you I'd be relieved that I found out about this side of him before the wedding. I don't think driving and food is comparable at all , you can't drive due to adhd , he is perfectly able to cook.

How many other weird diets will you have to cater to? I would not want to live like this.

Is he difficult in other ways? This might be the tip of the iceberg.

This. Show him how to cook five basic meals or find him 5 relevant recipes to cook himself.

FFS What did his last slave die of? 🙄

Or show him how to Google 😬

You're going into this with eyes open OP. He expects your life to revolve around him.

The difference with the driving is that you can’t help it.

I’d explain how you feel to him, give him ONE chance, then not marry him if he doesn’t sort out his ridiculous diet himself.

I am wondering a bit if he has an eating disorder. Most fitness devotees are fine cooking and being around food. He has such an obsession with controlling his food, that it could be masking anorexia.
“For instance, women with anorexia want to be thin while men are hoping to be lean and muscular.7Perhaps, as a result, men with anorexia are more likely to fast and exercise excessively while women are more likely to abuse laxatives and force themselves to vomit.”
full article at
https://www.verywellmind.com/anorexia-in-men-5443089

I think he should just eat what you cook and stick to that if your weight is fine and you make balanced meals anyway.

Failing that, he could have done a whole load of learning how to cook by following these silly diets.

@Meadowfinch he clearly thinks that having a potential wife means that he doesn't have to do things anymore. Why have a dog and bark yourself?

This is mental. If he wants to follow some bizarre diet then go ahead. You don’t need to facilitate it though!!! He isn’t a baby despite sounding like one. Leave him to it.

The difference between him and a tiny baby with a feeding schedule is that a baby isn't choosing to be helpless, and will grow out of it and become a competent human like most of us.

This oaf is choosing, as a fully grown adult, to treat you as staff. This is how it will always be.

Think hard about your choices at this point.

I agree with those who say don’t marry him. This isn’t going to get better, he is probably going to jump on a series of strange bandwagons and expect you to accommodate them all. And imagine having kids with him!

If you don’t want to break up I would at least try to get him to explore counseling. It sounds like he has an eating disorder that he needs help with.

Since when did you become his personal slave? Absolutely not!
“I will cook a normal meal at a normal time each day and you can reheat/eat whenever you want it. I will not spend my weekends meal prepping to your specific demands.”
Driving you places (probably often when he’d be going there too) does not make up for this.

I’d be carefully considering if marrying him is what you really want given the attitude he has displayed towards you.

I was all set to say you should help support him in his dieting but, bloody hell, that’s batshit!
I wouldn’t put in that level of food prep for my own diet, and I’ve lost over 4 stone. I also wouldn’t expect anyone else to put the amount of work in that I do for myself.
I absolutely wouldn’t do what he’s expecting of you, unless it was for a life or death health condition.

This x 100!