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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH best friend offended me on holiday

105 replies

Babybirdaugust · 26/04/2025 12:15

We are on a camping holiday for a week with our friends (a couple with 2 kids same age as ours). Our children are age 3 and 1.
Anyone who’s experienced children of this age know it’s full on. Between the 4 of us we have been taking turns to look after the kids, set up the tent, do general housekeeping like laundry and washing up. My DH best friend said to my husband when me and his wife had taken the kids out to the beach and my husband was taking the awning down “What does your wife ever do for you? I always see you with the kids.”
I just can’t believe he said that! Literally I haven’t stopped all holiday either cleaning or looking after mine or sometimes their kids. If anyone has done the least amount of work it’s definitely him.
I feel so hurt that someone I considered a friend is trying to bad mouth me to my own husband.
Could it be his attitude towards male and female roles and how women are supposed to serve their husbands or some crap?
what should I do? Just forget it or say something?

OP posts:
Cherrytree86 · 27/04/2025 10:25

why were you doing so much cleaning and laundry on holiday Op? @Babybirdaugust presumably you were in a tent?

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 27/04/2025 10:28

Babybirdaugust · 26/04/2025 13:21

Luckily we have finished the holiday today, it was the last night that this was said. I am questioning whether we should go on holiday together again. It wasn’t very relaxing. not that I can think of a holiday that is with two small kids. All inclusive maybe?
The context of my husband telling me was because we were talking about them and their arguments when we were alone together last night.

You know the answer to whether you should go on holiday together again.
They both don’t sound like very nice people. She sounds very mean towards her husband, he sounds like a trouble stirrer.

The most important thing for you is how your husband behaves and if he presents you as a family unit.

It’s ok if one partner is a bit messy and the other tidy, as long as you accept it of each other and help each other out. Having a family is a joint effort.

TinyFlamingo · 27/04/2025 13:57

Babybirdaugust · 26/04/2025 12:56

Thanks for the replies. Apparently he said something in response like “we don’t keep point scoring” or something like that. And I think he regrets telling me because of how annoyed I am, he said “I shouldn’t have told you”, but I think he did tell me because we do tell each other most things. My other theory was this dad doesn’t spend as much time with his kids and maybe wants my husband to be more like him so it makes him look less bad. But like some above comments it’s hard to trust him now because I don’t know why he’d try and turn DH against me. For background him and his own wife have been arguing a lot of the week. He’s quite similar to me on that he’s tidy neat freak and both our partners are messy so maybe he resents seeing me doing the washing up when his own wife never touches the washing up. I over head him asking her to wipe the baby’s highchair because he’d done two loads of washing up in the sink and she said “no because that’s part of the washing up and you’ve not finished in that case”, which I thought was a bit unfair of her. But then why come on the attack of me?

It's easier to throw stones on others than look at yourself.
He's hands off dad and your husband is mucking in, instead of saying "oh I should step up" he wants to encourage yours to step down!

But also if he's seen you do all that washing up and high standards and his wife isn't like that he's got to make you look bad to make her look better, to you all and to himself.

Finally, if their fighting he's point scoring to make it look like you've got problems to so he and his wife aren't "that couple" who are miserable and fight all the time.

It's a really sad way to be, see things and live in the world. Incredibly ungrateful as well!

Hopefully hubby says something a bit less passive of he ever mentions similar again!

TinyFlamingo · 27/04/2025 13:58

All inclusive with a kids club when they are a tiny bit bigger?

I'd not go again.

CustardySergeant · 27/04/2025 14:06

JorgyPorgy · 26/04/2025 18:23

The guy shouldn’t be allowed to drive again without further training
this could have been so much worse
totally unacceptable

What? Who said anything about driving? 😕

JorgyPorgy · 27/04/2025 14:15

CustardySergeant · 27/04/2025 14:06

What? Who said anything about driving? 😕

Show quote history

Oops wrong thread 😂 some driver ran over a kids foot

GiveDogBone · 27/04/2025 18:18

Babybirdaugust · 26/04/2025 12:56

Thanks for the replies. Apparently he said something in response like “we don’t keep point scoring” or something like that. And I think he regrets telling me because of how annoyed I am, he said “I shouldn’t have told you”, but I think he did tell me because we do tell each other most things. My other theory was this dad doesn’t spend as much time with his kids and maybe wants my husband to be more like him so it makes him look less bad. But like some above comments it’s hard to trust him now because I don’t know why he’d try and turn DH against me. For background him and his own wife have been arguing a lot of the week. He’s quite similar to me on that he’s tidy neat freak and both our partners are messy so maybe he resents seeing me doing the washing up when his own wife never touches the washing up. I over head him asking her to wipe the baby’s highchair because he’d done two loads of washing up in the sink and she said “no because that’s part of the washing up and you’ve not finished in that case”, which I thought was a bit unfair of her. But then why come on the attack of me?

Ok, it’s nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own wife’s behaviour. Ignore and move on.

Julimia · 27/04/2025 18:35

Oh do get a grip! Your husband must have had a reason for telling you what he said....ot perhaps he's just thoughtless. Forget it, have a good holiday.

HeyCooper · 27/04/2025 18:50

I wouldn’t take this personally, he’s really making a statement about his own wife, not you.

Sillyname63 · 27/04/2025 19:53

Have you been on holiday with them before? Did he expect your DH to be going out drinking with him, but knew it he asked outright your DH would say no, so he thought he would wind him up and get him to go , thinking he "deserved" some man time. I wouldn't let it bother me but I also wouldn't rush to go away with them again.

LAMPS1 · 28/04/2025 04:21

He was embarrassed. I bet the high chair comment to him from his wife, said in front of you, made him smart with humiliation.
Being in such close quarters meant his marriage was under scrutiny as was yours of course but yours was running smoothly, whereas he felt he was falling short in terms of happy team work with his wife. He probably wanted to get that comment in, to mitigate any comment your DH might have made to make him feel even worse.
All a bit sad really. But a camping holiday really does throw the spotlight on how happily (or otherwise) a family manage the work load between them all.

Be happy and confident OP, that you two at least, can communicate and have things worked out very well between you.

notsureyetcertain · 28/04/2025 06:35

It was unhelpful for your dh to tell you, is he trying to make a point ? Clearly the ‘mate’ is a let the women do the hard work kind of guy - leave him to it, he’s his wife’s problem. But no I wouldn’t be keen on going away again with someone who likes to poke at my marriage. I wonder if this is his first comment?

NeurospicyMummy · 28/04/2025 06:59

Tackle this head on OP. Otherwise resentment will build, you’ll resent his friendship with DH and always wonder what he’s been saying. This is the kind of thing that festers over time.

just send him a text saying “we really enjoyed the holiday and hope you and DW did too. DH mentioned your comment about what I do for him. We are happy with the division of labour and are supportive team mates, should this become an issue we will address it together. Please refrain from trying to insert yourself into our marriage, as we refrain from commenting on yours. Many thanks”

You will feel so much better after this, trust me. It’ll pay off in the long run.

NeurospicyMummy · 28/04/2025 07:02

NeurospicyMummy · 28/04/2025 06:59

Tackle this head on OP. Otherwise resentment will build, you’ll resent his friendship with DH and always wonder what he’s been saying. This is the kind of thing that festers over time.

just send him a text saying “we really enjoyed the holiday and hope you and DW did too. DH mentioned your comment about what I do for him. We are happy with the division of labour and are supportive team mates, should this become an issue we will address it together. Please refrain from trying to insert yourself into our marriage, as we refrain from commenting on yours. Many thanks”

You will feel so much better after this, trust me. It’ll pay off in the long run.

just to add - be careful of falling into the same trap by starting to criticise his wife. We only get a peek into people’s relationships and she may spend her life “finishing” his jobs and is setting a boundary that she will not any more. You just don’t know.

Dogsbreath7 · 28/04/2025 07:42

Ask your friend about her dickhead husband. Does she know he talks like this?

Retiredfromearlyyears · 28/04/2025 07:56

Oooooft! Camping holidays are too much like hard work to begin with .Nightmare with a 1year old and a 3 year old. Maybe do something less stressful next year and just to be on the 'safe side' do it without freinds and neighbours. You and your DH seem to have a fair division of labour. I would ignore the neighbours unasked for input, but , tell DH you are willing to listen to any suggestions on how to rejig duties around children,cleaning,cooking,shopping etc. If he thinks their is a better way.

MayaPinion · 28/04/2025 08:04

Are you sure he said it and it wasn’t just your husband saying it so he’d get to do less work? I can’t imagine any of my friend’s husbands saying anything like that, at least not to mine or my partner’s faces. It’s a really inappropriate and shit stirry thing to say.

LoafofSellotape · 28/04/2025 08:06

GoodQueenBess · 26/04/2025 12:22

No need to be hurt about what a dickhead said, @Babybirdaugust . Shoot the messenger.

I agree, why did your dh tell you what he'd said instead of defend you? Unless he agreed with him.

Wildefish · 28/04/2025 08:39

Babybirdaugust · 26/04/2025 12:15

We are on a camping holiday for a week with our friends (a couple with 2 kids same age as ours). Our children are age 3 and 1.
Anyone who’s experienced children of this age know it’s full on. Between the 4 of us we have been taking turns to look after the kids, set up the tent, do general housekeeping like laundry and washing up. My DH best friend said to my husband when me and his wife had taken the kids out to the beach and my husband was taking the awning down “What does your wife ever do for you? I always see you with the kids.”
I just can’t believe he said that! Literally I haven’t stopped all holiday either cleaning or looking after mine or sometimes their kids. If anyone has done the least amount of work it’s definitely him.
I feel so hurt that someone I considered a friend is trying to bad mouth me to my own husband.
Could it be his attitude towards male and female roles and how women are supposed to serve their husbands or some crap?
what should I do? Just forget it or say something?

This is more about your friend than you. He’s projecting onto your husband. He wants your husband to do less parenting like him, so as he doesn’t feel so bad.

Ilovecleaning · 28/04/2025 15:14

FWIW, last year had long weekend hol in a lodge with stepson DIL and 2 kids. Omg I hadn’t realised how bloody lazy she was! Stepson was up each morning, seeing to the kids, getting breakfast, helping with meals, tidying. She did absolutely nothing and was constantly on her phone. I would love to have said to stepson “My god I didn’t realise X was so lazy!” I wouldn’t dare of course.
OPs mate has got some bottle coming out with that.
None of this means DHs mate isn’t talking crap of course. Take a step back from this friendship,OP.

Littlejellyuk · 30/04/2025 08:07

Just read all the threads and the dickhead sounds like he is projecting, as he steps up with cleaning (neat freak) but not with his own childcare duties. Their division of labour maybe different to yours, and he's a prick by the sounds of it.
We went away with friends, who have different parenting styles, but stayed in separate cabins on either side of a camp (centre parcs) and met up every other day. It was great, as we weren't tripping over each other and we got to spend time together and enjoy it.
In a seperate event, my husband one time had a comment from a shirking dad of 'you always seem to have your son' and he snapped back, "we didn't have a child, just for someone else to look after him" 😀 I honestly beamed 😀

AlmostSummer25 · 30/04/2025 08:13

Indyschoolq · 26/04/2025 12:30

Firstly, I think it is a hugely POSITIVE sign that your husband shared this with you! It demonstrates a level of honesty and respect that some spouses don’t have. You’re clearly a good team if he immediately told you this. Anyone implying otherwise, or that he should have kept it from you, is of the type of marriage that keeps secrets (not great for modern relationships).

As for his friend- I would consider that a direct attack. Why try and get your husband to think badly of you? Does he think DH should go find someone ‘better’? The motive is unclear but, for me, it would mean I do not trust that man again.

That's not being honest, there was absolutely no need for him to tell her that.

CountryQueen · 01/05/2025 07:53

Ilovecleaning · 28/04/2025 15:14

FWIW, last year had long weekend hol in a lodge with stepson DIL and 2 kids. Omg I hadn’t realised how bloody lazy she was! Stepson was up each morning, seeing to the kids, getting breakfast, helping with meals, tidying. She did absolutely nothing and was constantly on her phone. I would love to have said to stepson “My god I didn’t realise X was so lazy!” I wouldn’t dare of course.
OPs mate has got some bottle coming out with that.
None of this means DHs mate isn’t talking crap of course. Take a step back from this friendship,OP.

Edited

She probably agreed to come on holiday with his Dad and family as long as she got an actual break. She’s on holiday with the judgey stepmum who can’t stop for a moment to consider that maybe they’ve role swapped for the “holiday”. Bet she was on her phone venting to MN

Ilovecleaning · 01/05/2025 08:00

CountryQueen · 01/05/2025 07:53

She probably agreed to come on holiday with his Dad and family as long as she got an actual break. She’s on holiday with the judgey stepmum who can’t stop for a moment to consider that maybe they’ve role swapped for the “holiday”. Bet she was on her phone venting to MN

Edited
Show quote history

That’s a nice fantasy you’ve woven 🤪

PassingStranger · 01/05/2025 10:07

mnahmnah · 26/04/2025 13:28

Well I wouldn’t be able to stop myself saying something to be honest. As a parting word I would probably say ‘don’t take out your marital concerns in our marriage thanks’

That would be the end of the friendship then wouldn't it

Don't react just don't go away again
Why do people always want the last word verbally.