Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH best friend offended me on holiday

105 replies

Babybirdaugust · 26/04/2025 12:15

We are on a camping holiday for a week with our friends (a couple with 2 kids same age as ours). Our children are age 3 and 1.
Anyone who’s experienced children of this age know it’s full on. Between the 4 of us we have been taking turns to look after the kids, set up the tent, do general housekeeping like laundry and washing up. My DH best friend said to my husband when me and his wife had taken the kids out to the beach and my husband was taking the awning down “What does your wife ever do for you? I always see you with the kids.”
I just can’t believe he said that! Literally I haven’t stopped all holiday either cleaning or looking after mine or sometimes their kids. If anyone has done the least amount of work it’s definitely him.
I feel so hurt that someone I considered a friend is trying to bad mouth me to my own husband.
Could it be his attitude towards male and female roles and how women are supposed to serve their husbands or some crap?
what should I do? Just forget it or say something?

OP posts:
godmum56 · 26/04/2025 13:14

I'd let it go but not holiday with them again.

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 26/04/2025 13:17

I take it as a lesson that he's a total shit stirrer and twat and that it would be the last holiday I'd be spending with him. At least you know now. It's not true, so don't worry about it. Pity his wife.

LadyKenya · 26/04/2025 13:18

ChompinCrocodiles · 26/04/2025 13:10

When someone tells you something nasty another person said about you, the first question you should ask is what was the motivation of the person who told you.

This. The Husband should have dealt with it, without needing to tell his Wife. There also is the possibility that he feels the same way. They are on holiday though, and it is hardly likely to lead to a harmonious atmosphere.

Original poster
Babybirdaugust · 26/04/2025 13:21

Luckily we have finished the holiday today, it was the last night that this was said. I am questioning whether we should go on holiday together again. It wasn’t very relaxing. not that I can think of a holiday that is with two small kids. All inclusive maybe?
The context of my husband telling me was because we were talking about them and their arguments when we were alone together last night.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 26/04/2025 13:23

LadyKenya · 26/04/2025 13:18

This. The Husband should have dealt with it, without needing to tell his Wife. There also is the possibility that he feels the same way. They are on holiday though, and it is hardly likely to lead to a harmonious atmosphere.

Show quote history

I dunno. My Husband would have been indignant on my behalf and said so to the bloke but also would have told me because he was indignant on my behalf.

mindutopia · 26/04/2025 13:25

I suspect what he was trying to say was, oi, I thought when I agreed to this ‘family camping trip’ it would mean the little women tending to the children and us men at the pub down the road, and that doesn’t seem to be happening. How come you seem to be an equal partner in parenting your children because this isn’t as fun as I thought it would be? Come on, ditch those kids so I can get out of doing anything too!

FindingNemosBall · 26/04/2025 13:26

I don't think he's having a go at you, i think he's trying to get your husband onboard with offloading the kids on you and his wife so they can have a beer without the kids around. That was my first thought anyway.

mnahmnah · 26/04/2025 13:28

Well I wouldn’t be able to stop myself saying something to be honest. As a parting word I would probably say ‘don’t take out your marital concerns in our marriage thanks’

GeorgianaM · 26/04/2025 13:29

Did he really say it or is your husband lying or twisting something he said?

WhyCantISayFork · 26/04/2025 13:30

I find a lot of people do this to deflect from themselves.

As if they think everyone around them is so stupid and easily led that if they say “I work really hard and X doesn’t seem to do much.” that’s all it will take for everyone else to see it that way.

Grammarnut · 26/04/2025 13:30

Men - some men, not all - see any time they have to spend on 'women's work' as a favour to women. Such men also see any help they give to their wives/partners as them being really, really nice, and want something in return. They also do not see the time women put into these caring roles as worthy of notice - it's just what women are supposed to do and it doesn't count in any way. They do not see the work women do because they do not recognise it as work. It's a misogynist outlook and needs challenging. But doing so may end your friendship with him and his DP.

tsmainsqueeze · 26/04/2025 13:31

Well clearly he is a knob but i think he and his wife aren't too happy together and he is trying to find 'faults' in your marriage to make him feel better with his own situation.
I don't think i could go on holiday with them again either .
Not sure about your husband telling you ,only you know him and your relationship dynamic enough to understand that.

olympicsrock · 26/04/2025 13:31

Holidays with friends are always fraught. If this was the worst thing about the trip count yourself lucky

pikkumyy77 · 26/04/2025 13:33

Babybirdaugust · 26/04/2025 13:21

Luckily we have finished the holiday today, it was the last night that this was said. I am questioning whether we should go on holiday together again. It wasn’t very relaxing. not that I can think of a holiday that is with two small kids. All inclusive maybe?
The context of my husband telling me was because we were talking about them and their arguments when we were alone together last night.

Of course you shouldn’t! Cripes. They argued, fussed at each other, were iut of balance, the work load was doubled not halved, and he tried to turn your dh against you. Just go on your own.

Lavenderandbrown · 26/04/2025 13:34

Op my DH and I would have shared this also. I like to know where I stand with people because this allows me to allocate my precious time accordingly. I’m much older than you and DH mentioned a restaurant owner seeming to “not care for me” now in the words of Michelle Pfeiffer in Tequila Sunrise ….i always order off the menu and tip well. I turned right to DH and said I really don’t give a fuck what a restaurant owner thinks of me. You and DH sound like you are working it out fine. Don’t let this guy create a problem and remind DH it’s not what “they” think it’s what the two of you think. With that…don’t vacation again with them and I would be quite frosty towards someone shit talking me to my spouse. And a MN rule….vacationing is parenting in a different location.

DaysEndConfused · 26/04/2025 13:41

Babybirdaugust · 26/04/2025 12:56

Thanks for the replies. Apparently he said something in response like “we don’t keep point scoring” or something like that. And I think he regrets telling me because of how annoyed I am, he said “I shouldn’t have told you”, but I think he did tell me because we do tell each other most things. My other theory was this dad doesn’t spend as much time with his kids and maybe wants my husband to be more like him so it makes him look less bad. But like some above comments it’s hard to trust him now because I don’t know why he’d try and turn DH against me. For background him and his own wife have been arguing a lot of the week. He’s quite similar to me on that he’s tidy neat freak and both our partners are messy so maybe he resents seeing me doing the washing up when his own wife never touches the washing up. I over head him asking her to wipe the baby’s highchair because he’d done two loads of washing up in the sink and she said “no because that’s part of the washing up and you’ve not finished in that case”, which I thought was a bit unfair of her. But then why come on the attack of me?

He sounds controlling. I would be wary of him. What you overheard between hi and his wife may not be the full picture, so I would discard that. He might be trying to groom your husband a la Andrew Tate type stuff. Now you have seen this side of him you may see more (or not). If you see more then you should both reconsider the friendship. Perhaps you should anyway, given that the has attempted to make trouble between you.

And I would echo other's question about why your husband told you. Is he just trying to make sense of it, or is he trying to get you to do more for him? Only time will tell.

I hope it works out the way that you want it to.

MellowCritic · 26/04/2025 13:42

Babybirdaugust · 26/04/2025 12:56

Thanks for the replies. Apparently he said something in response like “we don’t keep point scoring” or something like that. And I think he regrets telling me because of how annoyed I am, he said “I shouldn’t have told you”, but I think he did tell me because we do tell each other most things. My other theory was this dad doesn’t spend as much time with his kids and maybe wants my husband to be more like him so it makes him look less bad. But like some above comments it’s hard to trust him now because I don’t know why he’d try and turn DH against me. For background him and his own wife have been arguing a lot of the week. He’s quite similar to me on that he’s tidy neat freak and both our partners are messy so maybe he resents seeing me doing the washing up when his own wife never touches the washing up. I over head him asking her to wipe the baby’s highchair because he’d done two loads of washing up in the sink and she said “no because that’s part of the washing up and you’ve not finished in that case”, which I thought was a bit unfair of her. But then why come on the attack of me?

Op based on this update it sounds to me exactly what you said, he doesn't do as much with his kids so he wants everyone else to be the same.. to be honest im not too impressed with your hubbys response. We don't keep score implies maybe he does do more then you at times when actually based on what you said you do alot and did loads on the trip. So it's not about keeping score. actually mate my wife does loads for me.

Mumofteenandtween · 26/04/2025 13:49

I can recommend All Inclusive for holidays with little kids feeling more holiday like. Still not easy but definitely easier.

The thing that is nice about them is that you actually get to enjoy playing with the kids. I found when mine were little that so much of my time was spent meeting their needs that there was very little time left to actually enjoy them. When on AI someone else deals with all shopping, cooking and cleaning up afterwards which releases a load of time.

Flossflower · 26/04/2025 13:56

Perhaps this man thought this holiday would consist of you and his wife doing all the childcare while he and your husband went off to enjoy themselves.
I would not go on holiday with him again.
Camping is hard work.

LBFseBrom · 26/04/2025 13:59

He's a stupid, rude man. What did your husband say in response?

RunLikeTheWild · 26/04/2025 14:02

I think the comment says more about him and his relationship than anything.

I bet one of the arguments with the friend and his DW was the DW saying
"why can't you help me out and do more with the kids like op's DH"
and the friend defended himself by saying something like
"help you out? You should be helping me out. Anyway, he only has the kids all the time because op doesn't do anything"

ThatWildMintSloth · 26/04/2025 14:03

He's jealous!

I think as your DH did say something back, then I dont think you need to say anything to him. You just know to be wary of being around them and definitely not go away with them again

bibliotek · 26/04/2025 14:14

Babybirdaugust · 26/04/2025 13:21

Luckily we have finished the holiday today, it was the last night that this was said. I am questioning whether we should go on holiday together again. It wasn’t very relaxing. not that I can think of a holiday that is with two small kids. All inclusive maybe?
The context of my husband telling me was because we were talking about them and their arguments when we were alone together last night.

They sound like no fun. I won’t bother again.
That man was obvs expecting a little lads holiday for dads while you and thee other wife do the rest. He sounds insecure, so trying to rock your foundations. Don’t worry about it, but also don’t welcome it into your life by going on holiday with them.

pictoosh · 26/04/2025 14:22

Honestly? I think he was snipey and dejected because his wife was petty and argumentative over wiping down the high chair. He lashed out resentfully.
I think what he said is pretty ignorable. It's absolutely none of his business is it?

categorychaos · 26/04/2025 14:22

Are you sure the friend really said any of this? Could your DH be making it up? Not sure why he would but stranger things have happened! Might want to make himself look better or he may be saying what he thinks but suggesting it came from his friend