DH best friend offended me on holiday

[Babybirdaugust]

We are on a camping holiday for a week with our friends (a couple with 2 kids same age as ours). Our children are age 3 and 1.
Anyone who’s experienced children of this age know it’s full on. Between the 4 of us we have been taking turns to look after the kids, set up the tent, do general housekeeping like laundry and washing up. My DH best friend said to my husband when me and his wife had taken the kids out to the beach and my husband was taking the awning down “What does your wife ever do for you? I always see you with the kids.”
I just can’t believe he said that! Literally I haven’t stopped all holiday either cleaning or looking after mine or sometimes their kids. If anyone has done the least amount of work it’s definitely him.
I feel so hurt that someone I considered a friend is trying to bad mouth me to my own husband.
Could it be his attitude towards male and female roles and how women are supposed to serve their husbands or some crap?
what should I do? Just forget it or say something?

There's a simple explanation for the friend saying that to your DH. He knows he's lazy and lets his wife do stuff, and she has probably said to him can you not be more like Mr @Babybirdaugust
He was trying to get your husband to side with him over being a lazy father and husband who doesn't pull his weight.
I think your DH probably told you in the context of 'and can you believe this?' rather than anything else.
Don't go on holiday again with them. Your set-up works. You don't want his lazy pal encouraging him to cause issues between you.

Your husband should have put him straight, but not said anything to you - why cause you this upset?

He’s projecting. If him and his wife have been arguing about tasks all holiday he obviously feels there is an unfair expectation on him (not saying he’s right to feel that way).

He would rather clean up and not have any of the childcare responsibilities whereas your H was happy to look after his kids. It makes the friend look bad and no doubt his wife has probably noticed and pulled him up on it. Easier to bash you and say you should be doing more rather than asking himself whether he should. It’s out of order but I wouldn’t take it to heart.

Perhaps don’t go away with them again until your children are older and self sufficient. We’ve learnt that we are not compatible holidaying with certain friends and their kids. Different parenting styles, relationship dynamics etc.

I too don’t understand why your H said that to you: there are both positive and negative possible reasons for your H doing so. From the information you’ve provided about your H positive reasons seem more likely.

If the friend does and says things (like what he’s done and said on your camping trip) that suggest he’s sexist, DH might want to consider spending less time with him.

I wouldn’t go on holiday with them again or spend much time with him.

Sounds like your DH’s friend wants your DH to be as miserable as he is, he is trying to make your DH question you

Misery likes company

Dh may have told you because that’s his own ie. Dh’s opinion. Or the friend did not say it and dh thinks it and said he said it.

However it is also possible that the friend has his role and thinks dh should be more like himself.

Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.

Why is this guy trying to stir up problems between you and your husband? Because that's exactly what he was doing, regardless of his reasons.

I wouldn't consider ever socializing with this man again, let alone taking a holiday with them.

I can't imagine that if your female friend had made the same comment to you that the response would be the same

This man made an observation to your husband who replies appropriately. That's all

This is why I used to do All Inclusive with young children.
the level of work described in your posts would stress me out and exhaust me!

This isn't even about what you were doing or not doing. It's about the audacity of someone to insert themselves into someone else's relationship and call it into question or comment on something that doesn't impact them.

He says: "What does your wife ever do for you?"

Answer: NONE OF YOUR EFFING BUSINESS.

What a prick.

Where were you camping with tiny kids in April?
You must be very hardy.

Other man is threatened by how much your DH contributes and is worried his wife will start comparing and tell him to step up.

I’m really sorry to go off topic, but how could anyone possibly consider this a holiday?

There is no way I’d go on holiday with them again UNLESS my dh was totally on board with performatively kicking him to parent- all ‘ok ladies off you go we’ve got the clean up’ ‘knob and I will take the kids to the pool’ etc etc etc.

Why are you hurt by this. Is there some truth in it? He just gave noticed an imbalance to comment

I think it’s far more likely he looked at the ops dh doing a perfectly normal amount of stuff for his kids and family and thought woah - he does a lot! (Compared to himself quite probably) without a single moments observation to notice that actually the op does a fuckload too, and this is what balanced looks like, it’s not actually the dad getting a decent set of breaks and then pitching in occasionally when he feels like it.
im not surprised the wife pointed out the detail of cleaning up. If my dh thought cleaning up dinner was doing the dishes and leaving a dirty table, benches, highchair and floor, I’d want to murder him. What kitchen fairy is going to come along and do the rest of the job every night while he pats himself on the back for doing it all?

It was a rude thing for the friend to have said, regardless of his reasons. He should mind his own business. Your husband probably shouldn't have told you about it, though I guess at least now you know that this friend is a shit-stirring jerk and know to be on your guard.

I'd probably not be in a hurry to spend so much time with that family again, especially if the holiday wasn't relaxing.

He’s projecting. I mean it’s as clear as day! He doesn’t think his wife is doing her bit (and what an insane thing to say that wiping the chair is part of cleaning so not her job that time). So he’s thinking maybe the same at your house, so he’s asking your husband how it works with you, or looking for a ‘brothers in arms’. So not so much denigrating you but maybe trying to see how your household division of labour compares to his.
And frankly, I’ve yet to see a group of women get together without at least a few minutes spent moaning about their husbands!

I don’t know why so many people are dissing the DH for telling OP. I can totally imagine my DH doing so. Not to make me feel bad, just because keeping it from me would be weirder, to him. And in terms of the DH’s response at the time, when someone catches you unawares, not everyone comes up with the perfect response.

To me, OP’s marriage seems like a genuine partnership and her DH a good guy. This ‘friend’ comes across as a dick, tbh, taking out his unhappiness in his own relationship on OP.

@mixedpeel , because we didn't learn the context until OP's subsequent post.
In context, her DH seems to be a good guy, but I didn't get that from the first post.

YABU to be "offended".

Why do you even care? Why do you think you have anything to prove to him?

Most husbands around me, mine included, are left to deal with all the kids for entire weekends when we go away with friend, every month or couple of months.

I find holidays with young kids relaxing ONLY when you book and plan a holiday around them first, only way to have time to enjoy yourself properly. Trying to replicate an adult holiday with kids is never going to work. Camping sounds like too much hard work to be ever relaxing

The guy shouldn’t be allowed to drive again without further training
this could have been so much worse
totally unacceptable

I think you’ve answered your own question in the OP. What does your wife ever do for you?! In his eyes, the man shouldn’t be doing anything because the woman looks after both kids and men. He’s not saying you’re not doing anything. He’s shocked a grown man has to look after himself some of the time and his kids at others.

is he the kind of person who has an opinion that matters to you? They’re arguing because he’s simply not up to the challenge.

Your husbands response was pretty rubbish and he should have squashed it there and then. It’s a tricky one as I would want to confront the friend but you didn’t hear it meaning he knows your husband has told you (which should be the case for marriages, no secrets)

Can you speak to him and ask what he meant by it because it’s really upset you. X

worker+ worker= happy marriage (like you have)
shirker+shirker = unhappy marriage, most especially on a camping holiday (his marriage)
shirker+worker = unhappy marriage (his view of your marriage because it suits his purposes of finding a fellow sufferer)

His view of your marriage is irrelevant